In the world but not of it

There is a fine line between being in the world but not being of it.  It is a line that I am conscience of daily.  I find my struggle with this no longer comes from the desire to be "of the world" as I no longer do, but my struggle comes from the internal heartache I feel as I watch the world around me.  Today I felt it as I was reading about the Grammy's and what society finds entertaining, it left me sick to my stomach.  I felt it as I read a recap on the State of the Union address that left me less than surprised but sad none the less.  I felt it as I perused FaceBook and and news apps and finally enough was enough, I wanted to crawl back in bed and pretend I was anywhere but here, even considered begging my husband to find another overseas job just so I could find distance, not that the rest of the world is in a much better state.  I reached out to my friend, who I believe God put in my life so that we could help each other stay strong in these very spiritual battle zones.  She responded exactly as I needed to hear which I know in my heart was God's provision.

In the darkness that seemed to surround me she reminded me that we are the light in this world.  God calls us to be the light for Him.  He is in control and he never promises it will be easy.  We are the light, and in a time when morality seems to be upside-down its hard to be the light and that is why he calls us to stand tall and firm in Him.

I have given them your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. (John 17:14 NKJV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9 NKJV)

As I sit here typing I won't say that they weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, some stronghold areas have been revealed, places where the devil is trying to discourage me have been brought to light and I am renewed in desire to push forward.  I know that living in this day and age I will find myself on the "wrong side of the worlds beliefs" most all of the time, but that is OK.  As long as I am on the right side of God I will not let the world change my mind.  I know what is right and I also know that I live in a world where God has been rejected more than embraced and I want to see that change, I want the lost to find their way into His arms.  I want the world to run to God because I know that there is amazing peace in the truth.  He can set us free from any bondage and forgives all sin.  I am far from perfect, in fact I have stated many times that there are very few sins that I have not engaged in to some degree.  I fall short daily and only by the grace of God and the shed blood of Jesus am I forgiven.  There is nothing I can do to make myself right in the eyes of God, Jesus paid the price and all I am required to do is accept this gift.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:  Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. (1Timothy 1:15-16 NIV)

My life belongs to him and he has called me to serve him completely.  I will continue to speak the truth, I will continue to pray for the lost and broken.  I will continue to fight for the unborn so that the their lives as well as their parents lives will be spared from the pain and scars of death.  I will speak up for the least of these, I will do what I have been called to do because my days are numbered and I spent 30 years of them serving myself, I intend to spend the rest of them serving God in every area he calls me to serve.

"You are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify you Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 NKJV)

The Roller Coaster

My days are often roller coaster from start to finish.  As I try to be obedient to what God has called me to I am met with so much much enemy resistance some days that all I want to do is cry.  Then God uplifts me in some amazing way and I am back on top.  I understand the battle I am in and I am not growing weary, but some days I wish it could be all up!

Today God blessed my family in a huge way, He provided where we needed provision and he gave me motivation for my tasks at hand.  It was also a hard day because fear, doubt, and frustration tried to barge in.  I am fairly familiar with their deception so I am for the most part able to hold them off, but sometimes that takes a lot of energy and leaves me where I am right now, tired.

God is so amazing and I fully understand the purpose of tests, I understand the trials and I appreciate them in a way for what they leave me with when the trial has ended.  A deeper understanding, a deepening of my faith, a resolve to keep on coarse.  I want to be the woman of God I know I can be and I know that I have much refining that needs to be done.  I accept that and I welcome the Holy Spirit to be at work in me always.

This week was a powerful week for the pro-life movement with so many walks for life going on all over the country.  I feel encouraged that hearts are being changed and lives are being saved.  My passion for life is not just for the unborn but for every single life.  I get discouraged when people accuse people who are pro-life of only caring for the unborn.  Not so, I give my time, my money, and my heart for people born and unborn.  It is a passion that is only growing daily as God works with me on the direction he has for me.  I love being a LIFE Runner and it is a blessing to lead my local chapter. I have so much yet to learn about serving people for God, and I welcome the learning!

Today Ryan returns back to work and there is always a bit of an empty feeling after he has been home for a week.  During that time I get off of my routine and the house turns into a good form of chaos.  When he leaves for that first night I have to shift back into my old routine.  Its kind of like having two lifestyles, the carefree family time, the lack of schedule or housework, Daddy taking over the night time routine with Ella Mae, all very great things.  When he leaves its back to the old routine which is good but not nearly as fun as when he is home.  So I suppose part of today's roller coaster has to do with him being gone after having such an emotionally charged week behind us.

Tonight after I started the massive cleaning project and fed Ella Mae I updated my prayer journal and gave attention to things I often neglect the week Ryan is home.  I know that by tomorrow I will be fully back into my routine.  I look forward to my quiet time before bed with God, something that is not quite the same when Ryan is home.  God is so amazingly good, I just can't even say that enough.  Without the lows of life how could we fully appreciate the highs!  I don't mind my roller coaster one bit because I know in my heart it equals growth and if the enemy is trying to push me away it only makes me push harder forward.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:5-6 NIV)

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NIV)

Worlds apart

I think one of the biggest transitions of coming back to the US from India was the financial transition.  While in India money was not a concern.  We had an abundance and we were able to enjoy family vacations and give our tithe to a brand new church to help them get their feet on the ground.  We lived a rather simple life in India and didn't feel the need to buy things.  We made more money than we needed and were able to save up to buy and remodel our house back in the US.  It was a time of plenty and we felt blessed.

About 6 months before God brought us back home he gave me a very clear vision.  One evening as I sat on the balcony of our India home I was praying and praising and God told me that he had brought us into a time of rest and plenty to give us our miracle child and to restore our broken marriage.  It was a time he had prepared for us to grow and to surrender to Him and now we were ready.  He told me that we were heading into a time of drought, that all we had to do was to trust him and he would provide.  That he had plans for us and that it wasn't going to be easy, but we needed to follow obediently.

The day God called us back to the US was amazing, it was like watching a miracle unfold as everything fell into place and suddenly we had one month to move our lives 8000 miles back home.  It was bittersweet and my heart was heavy but I appreciated that God had given me clear warning before it happened so we came home.  When we returned to the US we took over a 50% pay cut, making just barely enough money to survive as a single income family, and yet God reminded us to trust.  Since moving back I have been tempted repeatedly to return to the work force and every time God reminded us that his plan was for me to remain in the home, that he would provide.

I will tell you that when you are faithful to trust God to provide, and are obedient to his will, and you are faithful to tithe he will answer with provision.  I am not saying that you will get rich or that you will have more than you need, but he will provide!  I can not explain how we have made it this far other than to say that God has provided every step of the way.  We have virtually no debt outside of our home loan, and our savings account has been diminished, but we are making it.  Sometimes he has provided in direct ways and in other times of need he has brought amazing gifts from faithful people who helped us.

Looking back on the last 2 years I see that we struggled in the early transition and so we created some of our heartache.  We came home and felt we deserved to spend some of that hard earned money on "things" and so we did.  We spent and we spent and we spent like we were still making six figures.  Instead of coming home and continuing to live a simple life we were quickly swept up in the "buy" compulsion that drives this nation.  We felt that we needed things but we weren't listening to God and so he let us spend our savings down to nothing.  There are consequences to actions and our choice in consumerism over the simplicity that we had just spent the last 4 years living caused us great heartache.  Finally we are back to where we need to be, not at all concerned with fancy new cars, a TV for every room, or the latest new toy.  We have certain basic needs, food, shelter, and clothing on our backs.  Other than that we have really reevaluated how we should be living in this season.  I am thankful to God for his gentle chastisement and reminders that he wants what is best for us. What the world would have us think is best for us does not line up with his desire.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NIV)

Surrender

Today was an awesome day from start to finish, not awesome because of any one thing, but because I saw God work all day!

When I went to bed last night I was touched deeply by a verse in my devotional.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14 NIV)

I love this verse because it reminds me to live in the now, to not waste my time wallowing in the past or only dreaming of the future but to live in this very moment and wait on the Lord for His purpose and plan over my life.  There is nothing wrong with walking down memory lane, but I tend to get trapped there and of course planning for the future is great as long as you don't miss all that is going on in the present.  It was what I needed to read before I closed my eyes for the night and God knew that.

When I woke I was ready to go out and take my first 3 mile run since Thanksgiving.  I'll admit I have been nervous about this because the injury to my IT band has made running difficult.  I have given it rest, trained, and strengthened it and today was the day for me to put on my LIFE Runners "REMEMBER the Unborn Jer 1:5" gear and run with my faith in God to provide.  It was amazing, as I chose a busy street in my city to run those miles and I was listening to praise and worship talking to God along the way.  He carried me, he guided me, and he protected me.  I was able to run uphill and downhill with virtually no pain, I was also able to increase my pace which was incredible to me since I have not run in 2 months!  I realized that since I have surrendered my running to God and his purpose that He will take me where I need to go.  There may be times that He will ask me to slow down so I can be where I need to be when I need to be there, or to talk to someone along the way, and when it glorifies him for me to run He will carry me!  It was amazing!

I continued that amazing feeling through the day as we headed out.  I am almost always dressed in some form of LIFE Runners apparel and today was no different, what was different was that God was using me today in a big way.  I recruited new LIFE Runners everywhere I went, my Mom's doctors office, the grocery store, the ice rink.  Everywhere I turned someone wanted to know more about LIFE Runners.  God called me to this purpose, He will provide for me to serve Him and I am more than willing!

My morning prayer to God before I started my day was another piece of amazing scripture.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.  (Galatians 5:16-17 NIV)

The fact of the matter is that the world tells you to live as you please, to do what you want, and to put your desires ahead of all else.  I spent too much of my life believing this lie.  God calls us to die to our flesh, to turn away from fleshly desires, to pick up our cross and follow Him, and that is exactly what I intend to do for the remainder of my life.  I don't expect that I won't stumble and fall but I know that the Grace of God will lift me up and help me back on the path. I want to be his hands and feet, I want my life to reflect the love of Jesus.  I surrender completely to His will.

for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (Philippians 2:13 NIV)

We run as a prayer...

I woke up this morning and my body began to shake as I wrote out the staggering numbers concerning the devastation abortion has brought on our Nation.  Today is the 41st anniversary of Roe v Wade and as thousands of Pro Life supporters converge in Washington DC for the annual March for Life I am in prayer over them.  I find it sad that very few news networks will give this amazing event much pause, that people will not see the thousands of people standing up for life, that only a few will know the amazing unity that will take place amongst them.

I watch as my friends and teammates post updates about their travel and the impending weather and I feel in the depth of me a tingle as I see how spiritual this whole event is.

3 months ago a large group of LIFE Runners made the journey to South Dakota to run as a team in the Run Crazy Horse marathon.  We were united in prayer and ready to stand boldly for the Unborn and the enemy attacked.  We were hit by Winter storm Atlas that caused chaos in the surrounding area.  Many LIFE Runners made it to the area only to be stuck in hotels for the duration of the weekend as feet of snow dropped and power was lost to much of the area for almost all of the weekend.  The damage was catastrophic to our region, and my daughter and I personally were stuck without power and heat for nearly a week.  The race was canceled but our spirits found renewal during this time of team fellowship and camaraderie, even I felt close to everyone while following them on social media.  It was clear that we would not race together, but in the next few weeks many of us found alternative races and ran boldly for the Unborn.

Now as these LIFE Runners and other Pro-Life groups march in DC they are met again with a winter weather, and all I know is that the enemy is scared and we are winning.  I find it to be no coincidence that again the weather tries to silence us, but we will not be silenced.  I can only lift my teammates up in prayer but there is power in prayer, amazing power! I know that the message won't be silenced, if anything maybe the weather will give them the media attention that this rally deserves.  There is one scripture that I offer up as a prayer for my fellow teammates for LIFE, the scripture that reminds us that we are not only fighting against the world but it is a spiritual battle that rages on and we have the enemy scared.

Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV)
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Here are the facts:
In America, 23% of pregnancies end in abortion (that is nearly 1 in every 4).
35% of women have had an abortion.
4,000 children die every day from abortion (that's more dying every day than those lost on Sept 11)
Over 1 million babies are killed each year (a number that far out weighs the deaths of the holocaust in the 41 years since Roe v Wade)
64% of post abortion women say they were coerced and 84% felt they had no other choice.
Every successful abortion ends a human life...

Physically Fit to Spiritually Fit and Everything in Between

I find it interesting the things in this world we can worship, I never thought for a minute that fitness could be the thing that I would put before God.  Like most women, weight is a struggle for me.  Even now as I sit in a very healthy and fit weight class I am not satisfied, but let me go back to the beginning.

My journey with fitness began 3 years ago.  After I gave birth to Ella Mae I weighed about 180 lbs.  I am 5'9" so for me that is not excessively big, none the less I was overweight and truly bothered by it. I decided that it was time to change my life and so I did.  I began cooking healthy, counting calories and exercising 3-4 times a week.  The 3-4 times a week quickly turned to 6-7 days a week as I shed 20 lbs with ease.  I was excited to see the results and was proud of myself for coming down from a size 16 jeans to a size 10.  When we moved home I backslid a bit but in the first year back I made it down to 145 and finally fit a size 6, I was hooked.

Then the plateau hit, followed by some backsliding and I stabilized out between 150-145, but I wanted to be 140 desperately, and so my fitness addiction grew and I was now working out 6 days a week minimum for about 2 hours a day sometimes 2 times a day.  No matter what I did I could not get the scale to budge which only darkened my mood, I had come so far, lost over 30 lbs and here I couldn't lose the last 5!  I was running half marathons and riding my bike between 25-40 miles 3 times a week, I was strong, I was healthy but I could not meet the number.

It was shortly after my first marathon that I realized that my motivation had become obsession which then became my "worship."  My fitness and weight loss goal was far more important to me than most anything, but certainly more important than my desire for God.  It was a brutal wake up call for me, I was worshiping fitness and I would never find satisfaction no matter what goal I met, because my eyes were fixed on something temporal, not something eternal.  God brought me back to reality in the best way ever, he introduced me to redemptive running through an amazing ministry, LIFE Runners.

I realized in the moment that I joined LIFE Runners that God wanted me to use my ability to run and ride for him, He wanted my attention and I knew then and there it was time for me to submit and so I did.  I surrendered my fitness to Him.  Amazing things have happened as I serve Him in this ministry and only a few months ago I was asked to lead our local chapter. I will say that I now weigh between 150-155 and God has put me here for a reason.  Although I no longer run or ride for myself, but for Gods glory I was still hanging on to an arbitrary weight goal, keeping my worldly attachment to God's calling for me.  It can consume me and has the power to destroy me.  When the scale doesn't cooperate I lose my way and then end up giving in to my bingeful urges.  I let food control me, I let my weight determine my daily self esteem.

Only just recently have I realized how much I need to give this to God, that I need to let go of the worldly view I am putting on myself because it is toxic in my life.  My body is His temple and so it is important that I care for it, and I do.  I am healthy, I am fit, and I can do all things through Him.  When I worship a jean size so much that it dictates my life, when the number on the scale is so important that I can't function and eat myself into oblivion then there is a problem, it is my idolatry.

So here I sit, saying God I give it all back to you again.  I will no longer let the scale dictate my life, in fact the scale is going to have to be put away.  He called me to serve Him through the amazing ministry of being a LIFE Runner and I let the enemy side track me.  Well I can see clearly now.  Tomorrow I will again train my body, because I have a duty to fulfill as a LIFE Runner, but I will not do it with the hope that I will lose weight.  I will train my body so that I can run for His purpose.  I will train so that every footstep brings Him glory.  I will train because I run as a prayer to raise awareness for the Unborn.  I run to raise money for my local Crisis Pregnancy Center, Care Net.  I run because God has given me the ability in my body to serve Him in this ministry.  I will no longer try to be what society considers to be ideal because this body is temporary and my reward is in Heaven.

Today is the day I reaffirm my dedication to God to run and to cycle for His purpose and only His purpose.  I am a LIFE Runner and I am His hands and feet.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us


**LIFE Runners are the world's largest Pro-Life running/walking Team. We race together and witness for Life. LIFE Runners pray, fundraise, and run/walk as a Team until we Cross the finish line that ends abortion…All In Christ for Pro-Life! http://liferunners.org

The things you learn in children's books

Yesterday I tried with all of my might, but my number one problem is the tone in which I speak to my family when I am stressed.  One of my favorite songs is "Speak Life" by TobyMac, because this is the area I struggle in.  When I am tired, frustrated, or stressed my tone does not hide the fact even though I try really hard.

Throughout the day I kept hearing myself, but I could not break it.  I was praying to God to give me guidance and help me as I struggled through but I just couldn't seem to get it right.  I was however reminded by the Holy Spirit and my husband that I was not being very nice.

By the end of the day I felt done, I just wanted to go to bed.  I was reading Ella Mae her Bible and her  Veggie Tale devotionals and there it was.  God speaks, he seriously has been speaking to me every single day!  It was incredible.  Her devotional was about thinking before we speak, being careful not to say unkind things.  Here is was teaching my daughter about something I had struggled with all day.  I prayed that we would only speak life with our words and for God to help us.  I was humbled as I kissed her goodnight.

Matthew 12:34 (NIV)
For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Out of the overflow of the the heart, what was my heart overflowing with yesterday, clearly not love or life.  I was overflowing with stress, worry, frustration, all things that I needed to give to God.  Again I chose to hold them and let them steal my day, my joy, my quiet.  Thank you God for never giving up on us!  Its amazing how many times we can fall into the same trap over and over and still not see it clearly.

When I read the Old Testament I often think of Israel and wonder how they could have continued to stray with all that God was doing for them and then I take a look at my own life.  Just found the plank in my own eye, thank you very much, sorry for mentioning your speck!  Humble, that is the word of the day.  I am humble and thankful that God loves me enough to keep showing me the things I need to change even though it seems to be the same thing over again!

Luke 6:45 (NLT)
A good person produces good deeds from a good heart, an evil person produces evil deeds from and evil heart.  Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.

He is my strength

Today I woke up knowing today was different somehow, different because my fast was over and now was the time to put my “money where my mouth is.”  I prayed and read before getting up as usual, but I did allow myself some FaceBook time, mostly because I had to get caught up with all the messages that had been left for me.

It was a busy day of cleaning and I tried to keep my focus still on the important things, stop and look at what Ella Mae is trying to show you, put down the phone when Ryan is trying to explain something he is excited over, don't drop everything simply because you have notification on your phone.  So far, so good.

Its easy to keep that bounce in your step when everything is good, easy to not be discouraged when you are at the top of the mountain, but then life hits you and that is when I have to turn to God and trust him.

Today I read an email that made my heart hit the floor, it broke me to pieces and I cried out to God immediately praying for his grace over the situation.  I am trying to not feel helpless, because I have all of the power I need over the situation, I have my heavenly Father to cast this burden to.  As I have continued through my day, my mind still ever conscious of the news I received I was comforted by a scripture that I had honestly never taken note of.  What is fantastic is the way that God led me to the scripture.  I was hanging a special painting that a very dear friend painted in my great room.  It is a painting of a tree, and that makes two tree painting from the same artist in the room.  I was looking at the two and thinking fondly of my very dear friend who is so far away and instantly I thought that I should see about a scripture pertaining to being planted.  What I was led to was absolute perfection.  God is so good...

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.  They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

It began with a fast

Day 1

This morning as I woke up, before my eyes even opened I began talking to God, something I don’t do as often as I should but truly the best way to start my day.  I gave God my “first fruits” this morning as I prayed, read a devotional, and read some scripture before my feet ever touched the floor.  The realization that I crave social connection to the world far more than I should and reach for God far less than I should was sobering.  Very rarely am I sitting doing nothing when the thought crosses my mind, “I should talk with God.” All to often as I sit idly I feel that I need to connect and see what the world around me is doing.  Almost as if social networking may perish without my presence.  So here I sit, day one of my fast not desiring food nearly as much as I thought I might, although I am only fasting a meal a day and caffeine, but feeling old habits wanting me to return.  I have hid my FaceBook app inside an arbitrary folder on my iPhone and turned off all forms of notification.

I want to desire time with God the way I desire to connect socially.  I want Him to be my first rising thought and my last goodnight.  These are the desires of my heart and now the only coarse of action is to give Him the first and best of me.  He deserves my heart in a way that I can not even comprehend.  He is the answer to all of my hopes, dreams, and desires and I pray His will over my life, my marriage, my family, and my heart.

Today I moved slowly through my morning knowing that this was going to be a week of prayer, family, and growth and wanting to give my attention to Him and that desire.  I have found that my life very selfishly revolves around me.  This morning instead of putting me first I put me last.  I took care of Ella Mae after I was finally up and moving, getting her dressed, teeth brushed, hair done and being sure she ate the food that Daddy prepared.  Then I allowed myself some me time and worked out.  After that I spent more time with Ella Mae helping her learn how to use scissors and working on writing and other preschool activities, then I read to her.  I am ashamed to say that other than bedtime I have really not been reading to her as much as she deserves.  It was nice just sitting with her and sharing a couple of books.

Ryan has joined me on this social media fast, although for him it will be more of a gaming fast since social media is not so much his thing.  Listening to him upstairs practicing his guitar, perfecting a gift God has given him for praise and worship, I feel blessed.  I am blessed to have a man of God as my partner, as the head of this household, as the father of my child.  I am blessed, God chose wisely for me and he has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

Today I will allow myself some bits of time to be idle, but my intention is to spend as much as possible pouring into my family and seeking the face of God.  I know that this week will grow challenging for me both with the physical fast, the emotional fast, and with probable enemy attack, but I know that I will come out of this week with a new perspective and a better picture of what God is asking of me.

As this day draws near to a close I realize that today what God wanted to show me was the need to slow things down.  To make time for the important things like Him and family.  I admit I spend most of my days hustling through life and taking very little time to slow down.  In India my life was simple and slow and during my time there I was able to grow in my relationship with my family and God.  Coming back to a 1st world country has sped my life up and I realize now that all of my struggles can be attributed to an unwillingness to be still.  Today I want to thank God for showing me what I have been missing, the blessings that I have quickly passed over while trying to move at warp speed.  I pray that this new eye opening experience will keep me grounded as I attempt to change my focus.  Tomorrow I expect He will reveal something else to me and I am excited to see what it may be.

The most profound piece of scripture I read today was one that I have read before but my eyes were opened to the magnitude of it.  It is a prayer Jesus prayed for all believers, a prayer specifically prayed for me before he gave his life willingly on the cross to insure my place in heaven.  I was so humbled and touched by the fact that my very own savior prayed this prayer to my Heavenly Father specifically for me over 2000 years ago!  Reading these verses sent chills through my body.  He knew all the times I would turn my back on Him, all the times I would tell Him I didn’t need Him, all the times I would sin willingly and knowingly and all the times my sin caught me by surprise.  Even with all of this knowledge He still offered up a prayer, for me, before He was sacrificed.....

John 17:20-26 (NIV)

“My prayer is not for them alone.  I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.  May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.  I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:  I in them and you in me.  May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

“Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me.  I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

Day 2

This morning I spent time reading and in prayer again before I started my day.  Last night before I fell asleep God gave me an answer I was really needing to hear and this morning was no different.  I am reading the book “In the Eye of the Storm” by Max Lucado and the chapter I read today spoke volumes to me.  I realized that I am missing the “journey”!  Far to often Ryan and Ella Mae are playing and being silly when I am worrying or stressing over something going on in our lives.  Their carefree fun and silliness even becomes annoying to me as I worry for all of us.  I am missing the journey big time!  Truth be told, I do worry and stress far less now than I used to but i have not fully let go.  Ryan worries about very little and that is evident in his carefree spirit.  Ella Mae of course really worries about nothing and she is always happy and silly!  I am content, but very rarely carefree or silly.  

As I started my day I tried very hard to not rush Ella Mae, I let her put on her boots in her backwards kid manner that took 3 times as long as it should have but I watched her be silly and I let myself enjoy it.  The world would not stop turning if we were late to gymnastics and I felt far less stressed as we headed out the door.  It was awesome!  Now I don’t expect this to change over night, but as I drove down the road I reminded myself that no amount of worry was going to fix anything.  Worrying wouldn’t pay “that bill” or fix “that problem” all worry was doing was robbing me of the journey.  Then the scripture I have read a thousand times glowed at me with new meaning.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I have read this before but never has it hit me so deeply, God doesn’t want me to carry these worries, he wants to take them for me, he wants me to put my eyes on him and follow him.  He will not burden me, but will teach me and guide me through my life.  He absolutely wants to take the “weight of the world” off of me.  So I will give it to him, all my worries as well as my praises, all of my concerns and my thanks, all of my fears and my triumphs, I give them all to him so that He can guide my journey.

I want to be silly and carefree and not let things of this world burden me.  I'm not saying that God doesn’t have serious and difficult things for me to do, because he does, but there is much to be learned from seeing the rainbow no matter how heavy the storm.  Truth be told, no amount of worry will fix my problems anyways so I will instead trust in Him to provide and while I rest in him i will enjoy all that he has and is doing on this amazing journey!

Day 3

Last night as I was reading and praying I realized that what I miss most about India is something that I can have here, if i am willing to step outside of the flow of first world living.  My craving is for simplicity, a quieter life.  In India rarely did we ever step out of our routine, except when we vacationed our lives were simple, predictable.

This routine life kept me very focused on the things most dear to me, my family.  I normally only left our apartment to go into the city once a week.  Since we have been home there is never much of a plan and most of the time is go, go, go.  This week as I have fasted I have tried hard to stay close to home.  Too much activity is firstly counter productive to me spending time in the Bible, in study, and in prayer.  It is also physically taxing as I am hungry and drained from my partial food fast.  When I am at home focused on the Kingdom I am drawing nearer to God and my family, when I head out into the world I am distracted from what this week is about.

Obviously I have a family to care for, and that means I can’t spend all of my time at home praying and seeking God, but it would be nice if I would slow my life down and make more time for Him.  I know that my eyes have been opened and that from now on I hope to keep vigilant when the world starts to creep in and occupy all of my time.  There is a distance that grows in my life when I get swept up by the world and now I know what I need to do.

I am also learning to listen better, to not feel the need to interject my opinion upon all conversations.  It is nice to sit and be part of the conversation without feeling the need to take over the conversation.  I am also so much more conscience of my mood and tone.  I will admit that come about noon each day as I am deeper into my partial food fast, nearing the hour when I can eat my meal, I can be a bit edgy.  I am learning that I need to take that minute and breathe deeply before responding.  Also, FYI, I do believe it is mildly cruel to send someone to the grocery store with 3 year old in tow to buy food while fasting, but it was a gift of love, and taught me about putting others needs first, even if I did want to steal one of the yummy pastries I had to pick up.  Sometimes we just need to smile and be willing to do things for others that may be a bit challenging.

So today has truly been a test on my patience in more ways than I could even care to list, and I would love to say that I responded in kindness or patience each time but I wont lie.  I have failed, my tone has betrayed me, my mouth has uttered words that my heart knew better but it has shown me an area where I need to work and grow.  I know when things are easy I am able to bite my tongue, but when stressed I respond in a manner less becoming.  Each day new things have been revealed to me and I am awed by this whole process!

James 1:19-20

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Day 4

I will say that this whole fast has been very revealing to things that need to be changed in my life, but today was the day that God ignited my passion for the ministry he has called me to.  This morning as I was praying and reading the Bible before getting up out of bed my phone rang, and it was the phone call that would change everything for me.

I wont go into details because its not my story to tell, but I will tell you that I have a greater understanding of the way God intends to use me and I am ready to take the call.  Today was a call to action in my life, to take a giant leap and trust God to lead my way.  I know it wont be easy but I am ready.  I want my daughter to see that when God calls we answer, I want her to know that when you can stand against evil in this world you don’t run away because it is easier, you stand tall and defend the truth.

Almost immediately the enemy has tried to shut me down, to intimidate me but its not going to work, I am not going to back down.  My whole day was thrown into chaos after that call, but I turned to God and my faithful praying friends and I managed to get all accomplished that I needed to do while still maintaining my fast and my focus.  I also had to be willing at one point to accept I had fulfilled my role, in the current situation, and I would just have to trust God to take the rest for me.

One of my biggest lessons of the day, God doesn’t always call the equipped, but he always equips the called.

Hebrews 13:20-21

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Day 5

Today is my last day of my fast of 1 meal a day (no eating from 8pm until 2pm), caffeine, and social networking.  I can say that I am no longer addicted to caffeine, I no longer eat for pleasure and I honestly don’t miss FaceBook.  What is more remarkable than all these trivial side effects is the deep down “clean out” God has done to my soul over this week.  He has revealed not only things in my life that need adjusting but has also deepened my understanding of things I thought I knew and ignited my passion for the ministry he has put before me.  It has been a week that I hope to never lose sight of and I pray that I will follow through on these changes I know need to be made.  Some of the things he has called me to examine are scary and painful, but I am trusting in Him to guide me through the process.  This week I gave God more of me and even still it is less than He deserves.  I feel honored that the still small voice never leaves me, and that I know in my heart what things of the past I don’t want to repeat.  Those things have grown me and changed me in many ways and I know that God can use all things for His glory. 

Tomorrow I will be able to eat again and I will get back on FaceBook.  I don’t know yet if I will even bother consuming caffeine but I probably will.  I do know that I will start my day with Him, I will fellowship with Him during the day and He will be the last person I will talk to before I close my eyes.  This is a change that is here to stay, and I will do my best to make all of the other changes He has laid before me.  By the Grace of God I know I can do it.

This is the point in my life where I will take up His banner with new fervor, I’m asking Him to set my spirit ablaze and give me a heart and mind only to serve Him.  This is my “rebranding” if you will, and so this is when my blog will take a new direction, a new purpose, a new name.  I have been called to be bold and unafraid and I intend to answer that call.  Not too many years ago, before I left for India my heart had become hard and I had let myself be blinded from the truth, they are some of the darkest years of my life and I will never turn away from God again the way I did in those broken years.  Left in their wake are many painful memories, and a sinful life that is shameful. My hope is that my life has only reflected His passion and love from that moment he brought me back into the fold some 5 years ago.  I am a sinner and I mess up more than I care to admit, there aren’t many sins I have not shared a piece in and for that I am truly sorry, but I am redeemed, set free by the Grace of God and the shed blood of my savior Jesus Christ.  I will live for Him and Him alone, now and forever.  This is where my new journey begins, the journey of a woman who is seeking the face of God with a new passion for this next chapter in my life.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me