Fullness of Joy

It is very rare in my life to stumble upon coincidence.  Maybe its because I truly believe in my heart that there is no such thing.  Since I have surrendered my life to God and asked him to direct my path, I fully understand that is exactly what he is doing.  There is peace and joy when we truly embrace this concept and allow God to lead.  Unfortunately during this process trials are expected and often come in wave upon wave, but I also know that these trials are meant to strengthen not to destroy.  God wants to refine us, to break down the flesh that stands against him and he wants us to draw deeper into him and his perfect will every single day.  I certainly try for this, but I'm very willing to admit that I fail more than I succeed.  Praise God he never gives up on me, but is actually the one who picks me up, dusts me off, and sets me back on the right path.

The two weeks Ryan was away at training were tough.  I found out about a visa problem that I didn't know existed right before he left, leaving me with no way to fix the problem except to have faith that it was being dealt with.  God was very aware of the issue and encouraged me along the way as I trusted in him.  Its hard for me to let go, a foreign concept for this control freak but I am learning piece by piece.  Then I hit a bus, which was only compounded by my husband being out of country.  Yes, everyone was fine, the bus was parked and I was being "bullied" by a big truck and I got to close to the bus.  Not the end of the world but still frustrating.  Then Ella Mae got very sick, twice, and my overwhelmed limit was nearing max, but in the end God provided and our health insurance came through.  Then Ryan was unable to come home due to flight cancellation and a family trip we had planned had to be postponed, not life ending but disappointing.  I made it through, sanity still intact, and my awesome hubby passed his base check and is now rated for his new plane!




We packed up and headed on our vacation.  It was going to be great and it was everything we hoped it would be.  A few days before we left my daily devotionals switched gear to "joy" and "restoring lost joy," my pastor even talked a bit about joy.  I know that when a theme like this starts building that it is in fact God talking to me and most often preparing me for a trial.  I was ready, no one was going to steal the joy that God had provided.  I understood that joy, the kind of joy that God provides for his people cannot come from my emotions, it can't be linked to how I feel, it has to be rooted in God.  I was about to get a real lesson on how little I really had accepted this concept, and now I know that I need to adjust my thinking.

As we headed out of town our full tank of gas stopped registering.  We were going to be driving a long distance to a place we had never been so the gas gauge was important.  I prayed, Ryan pulled over and restarted the car and it was fixed.  Back on the road again we enjoyed each others company and made it to the resort without problems.

We had the most amazing time, we had nothing but the sand, the ocean, and our family.  No TV, no Internet, just us and all the time in the world.  We took an awesome picnic lunch excursion where the hotel packed us a cooler full of food and water, drove us by boat to a nearby island that had an abandoned resort on it and a beautiful stretch of pristine beach surrounded by gorgeous coral reef.  They left us, alone, on this deserted piece of Gods beautiful planet and we were able to just relax and let go as a family.  Ella Mae played in the sand and had her adventures while Ryan fished and I snorkeled and explored the reef.  Although the visibility was not the best (incoming tide) it was still spectacular by the worlds standards and I just couldn't get over how many fish there were.  I have spent a bit of time exploring the reefs of Fiji and this one was outstanding and right off the beach.  Ryan even caught a juvenile Trevally.

By the time the boat came back to get us we were all completely enveloped in paradise.  I spent much of my time talking to God and thanking him for this much needed time away.  My joy was overflowing, not because I was surrounded by the worlds beauty, although that helped, but because God had given my family just what it had needed, some quiet time away.  Sometimes living in paradise you get so busy in daily life that you forget how amazing it is, and it is truly a must to step out of the day to day and be reminded of how blessed we are.  One day God will call us out of Fiji and take us somewhere new and I want to soak in this gift of time while we are here.  I love spending time an energy with the ministry God has placed on my heart, I love serving him in my daily life, and I am very thankful for these gifts he gives us when he calls us to rest in him and gives us a chance to recharge our batteries.

When we returned back to the resort I had a nagging desire to check my email.  I was unable to get onto the email through my iPad and was not willing to pay for Internet.  God kept telling me to let it go and to spend this time away from it all.  The nagging need to check my email was growing and growing, and I really had to start praying for peace.  I could clearly hear God telling me that if I checked my email that my joy would be stolen.  This of course made me worry what about my email might steel my joy.  God told me to trust him.  I was on my way to pay for Internet and I surrendered to God.  He was walking me through a trial that was keeping me from a bigger trial.  A day later I would see the big picture of it all.  So I trusted God, and placed my hope and joy back where it belonged, in my relationship with God and not my circumstances.

We ended the trip the next day and it was a flawless time of family and fellowship.

When we returned home I tried to check my email but we had no Internet.  I was finally able to load my email on my iPad and found 3 notices of no payment received for our Internet and that it was to be shut down.  I immediately got upset because I had payed the Internet on the 1st and so I went into my usual panic mode (joy gone) and we rushed to Nadi to fix the problem.  I never once stopped to pray, and I wish I had.  As we were driving I finally got through to the Internet company on the phone and they explained that it was a mistake and they reset my account.  We were able to turn the car around and head home.  As we drove home I reflected on it all.  If I had opened that email in Rakiraki it would have ruined my whole day because I would not have been able to call and would have been worried over it until we returned home.  God asked me to trust him by not falling for the bait, by not checking my email.  In the end I still didn't quite handle it the way that I should have, because I should have remained calm and trusted God, but I am a work in progress.  Because I trusted God at the resort I was able to avoid the drama.  I did see clearly that some of my "joy" is still linked to things of this world, my emotions, and circumstances.  Now I know that those are things I need to let God work on in me.  I love how he never stops working and revealing things.  One day I truly hope to have my fullness of joy come only from God and then it will be unshakable because God never fails us, he never leaves us, he never lets us down.

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;  you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

My hope, my joy, my peace all must come from being eternally focused.  If we are focused on things of this world, or put our joy and hope in people we will eventually be let down.  To find true joy in God is to accept the gift he has given.  In salvation we find peace and freedom.  When we live our lives in the purpose he has given us then we can truly know joy because it comes from service.  Not in things we get or places we go, but in God and in His plan for our lives.  I don't know that I have ever actually known true joy until now, but I am starting to get a glimpse of it and I can tell you that I want more, because it is powerful when you find that your very purpose is in God and the service he calls you to.  Joy comes with closeness to God, the further you are from God the easier it is to lose your joy.  I want to draw as near to God as I can because I want joy!

Romans 14:17
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit

Forget Karma, Find Forgiveness

Karma
:the force created by a person's actions that is believed in Hinduism and Buddhism to determine what that person's next life will be like

: the force created by a person's actions that some people believe causes good or bad things to happen to that person

I was pondering karma the other day.  I would say that 99% of the time when I hear people speak of karma they are referring to the hope that someone that wronged them gets what they deserve. Some people ascribe to karma as a type of moral code, hoping that if they live well they will get their reward in this life or the next.  As a Christian there is no room in my life to believe in such things as karma. I believe in the moral code passed down by God and praise God he doesn't ascribe to karma or we would all be doomed!  We do reap what we sow, we have the choice to spend our lives serving and honoring God, and there are rewards for that in this life and in heaven, or we can reject God and spend eternity separated from him.  Our salvation has nothing to do with our works.  No matter how good we think we are we will never be good enough to deserve eternity in heaven.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord

Let all of that sink in for a moment.  When we play the karma card hoping that someone who hurt us will be punished, someone that did wrong we feel deserves to get what they have coming.  Then think that because we are "good" people that our karma is good we totally deceive ourselves.  Praise God he doesn't use karma against us, we would all have miserable lives!  The truth is that even on our best day we still all fall short, we are all sinners.  We cant measure up to the standard put forth by God.  I certainly don't want my past mistakes to determine the rest of my life.  I have wronged people that I love, I have wronged strangers, if I were to be a believer in karma I would curl up in a ball right now and give up because I have a lot of punishment coming my way!  I am so thankful that God knew we would fall short, that we would sin, that we would fail, and he responded with love by offering his Son to pay the price for our sin on the cross.  This, however,  does not excuse the believer to act how ever we please.

Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.  And what does the LORD require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

We are to live according to the guidelines set forth in the Bible, to try our very best to stay on His right path.  We will fall from time to time, but the question is how we recover from the fall.  Do we get up, seek forgiveness and run back to God or do we let the failing pull us away.  Our lives should be lived trying each and every day to draw nearer to the Lord, to seek His will over our lives, to become the person we were meant to be as we strip away the flesh and put on the new man he has made us.  God is jealous for us and He is also patient because he loves us and doesn't want to lose a single one of us to eternity apart from him.  That is truly what hell is, is the absence of God, it is the absence of love, it is the absence of good.  In hell the lost will know that God exists, if they questioned that in this life, and they will know that he is all they ever wanted but they will spend eternity apart from him.  There are no words to describe what that will be like, but in God giving us free will to decide if we choose Him or not he will honor that even to the grave.  He will never force us to be near to him if we choose not to be.  Hell is a personal choice, you either want fellowship with God for eternity or you don't.  God wants every single one of us to choose him.

2 Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

God loves us, even while we are sinners.  He wants us to return to him and so he sent his Son to die for each and every one of us.  Even those who reject him.  We must choose if we will accept the free gift of salvation.  Before I truly understood it all, I thought that salvation was simply saying a prayer asking the Lord into my heart and I was set for life.  Past, present, and future sins forgiven.  I then carried on in my own desires resting in this false understanding.  I love the way my pastor put it this Sunday, I will paraphrase. 

The debate is not "once saved always saved" vs "once saved salvation can be lost."  The answer is once TRULY saved always saved.

That is it right there.  The truth is that when you truly come to salvation, when you truly understand that giving your heart to Jesus means giving up your life.  It means a total surrender to his will.  It means freedom from sin, not freedom to sin.  It means that you let the Holy Spirit guide you and change you.  It means that when you feel conviction you need to seek repentance and make the changes necessary to remove more and more of your "flesh" so that you can become the person God meant for you to be.  When you truly come to salvation it becomes impossible to stay in your sin.  The truth is revealed to you and you have to choose to either reject the sinful desires or reject God.  If you are truly saved the idea of rejecting God becomes unthinkable and leaves you only the option to reject sin.  When God got a hold of me, when he really opened my eyes to the salvation he was offering there was simply no way I could do anything but run to him.  I had to change everything about my life, I had to turn my back on all of my sin.  I had to choose Gods will over my life and I had to trust him to make beauty out of the ashes I had left behind.  It wasn't easy, it still isn't easy, but I can tell you that I am never going to go back to the person I once was.  God didn't leave me on the path of destruction, he chased me, tackled me, pinned me down until I repented, and then he carried me.  He still carries me when I struggle, he still walks with me when the trials hit, he is never far from me.

Ephesians 2:8

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast.

Praise God, karma is not a real principal on which we are judged.  Praise God, nothing we can do in this life can separate us from his love. Praise God, he loves us enough to wait for us and he offers us forgiveness we don't deserve if only we will repent.

Romans 8:38

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Forget karma, find forgiveness.  Offer forgiveness.  When you hold onto hurt that another has caused you, when you refuse to forgive you only hurt yourself.  Forgiveness if your way of saying that wrong done to you will not have any power over you.  We need to be quick to forgive if we also want to be forgiven.  Forgiveness does not excuse the actions of other, but it does set you free from the bondage unforgiveness can cause in your own life. I have an easy time forgiving others because I understand that we are all human and make mistakes.  This is easy for me mostly because I've made a lot of mistakes and needed a lot of forgiveness.  I do, however, have a hard time forgiving myself, and that is an area of forgiveness that God is teaching me about.  It is equally important to forgive yourself when you mess up because that is the only way to move forward.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Psalms 103:12

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Daniel 9:9

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. "

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

God Speaks

I was planning on going back to the US the first week in December.  I was planning to spend some time with my sister and let my kiddo have some much needed cousin time.  I was trying to restock the things that we can't find here, most importantly my hormone therapy.  I was trying to not be here in Fiji while Ryan was gone to the SIM in Singapore.  All of this seemed like a good plan, and then.....

Ryan and I were watching a movie the night before I was going to buy tickets and the thought came from out of nowhere, well nowhere is not accurate, the thought came directly from God.  "I wonder if Ella Mae can travel on less than 6 months validity on her passport?"  I tend to have issues with worry, but am learning to pass those fears on to God when I can't do anything about them.  I started to investigate and found that Fiji required 6 months validity upon reentry and I did the math in my head, nope that was only 5 months.  I mentioned it to Ryan and we discussed if the special immigration letter I would be traveling with would supersede this rule.  We decided Ryan would go to immigration the next day before he bought the tickets.  That was it, we would see what happened, no biggie if I had to wait until we renewed her passport, I could get that done in December and go in January.  Inconvenient, yes, a big deal, no.

Then the phone call came.  The details are not worth stating but as the words came out of my very upset husbands mouth over the phone my initial reaction was not panic or outrage, my initial thought was "wow God, if you hadn't put the first thought into my head this could have ended up being a disaster."  Of course my calm demeanor did not last as the stress of the situation piled on, but in the end I was able to give it all up to God and put my trust in him.

Long story short, due to some confusion over a visa application, if Ella Mae and I had left the Country next week when we tried to return we would have not been admitted back into Fiji for a whole year!  I don't even want to think about how upsetting that would have been for my family! A year apart, away from Ryan, our home, her things, her school, our friends......

God speaks to us, he really does.  He doesn't just speak to us about things you would expect.  Never even for a minute did I have any reason to wonder about Ella Mae being able to travel on less than 6 months of a passport.  I don't even know why I would think of something like that except for God.  I had no reason to have that thought and because of me listening to that one thought we were able to find out a problem that we didn't even know existed.

Now I won't say that I didn't become discouraged by it all.  It means I cannot leave the country until it is sorted, which is being worked on but may take some time.  I did get upset, I did break down, but the more upset I got the more God reminded me that He was taking care of this.  He had pointed it out in the first place.  I finally went for a run and spent my time thanking God and giving the details to Him and now I have peace.  Thats crazy for me, God has changed me so much.  I used to live my life one crisis to the next in a constant state of panic and fear.  Then I truly met God, embraced His peace and my life was forever changed.  See, being a Christian doesn't mean that I don't have trials, actually I probably have more as I am tested and refined.  My relationship with Christ does not keep me from struggle, it just means that I never have to face a struggle alone.

I expect that there will be days that I want to pull my hair out concerning the visa issue.  I expect it may take months for us to finally get our health insurance.  I expect that I may never be able to get my medication here and may have to face menopause at 36.  I know there are more trials headed my way than I can even imagine, but I also know that each trial is an opportunity for me to grow in faith and for God to show me how he can make miracles out of the impossible.

Psalms 3:3
But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.

Step into the light

In the light there is not room to hide, there is no place that truth cannot reach.  When truth brings light so many amazing things can happen.  As we partner with our church and embark on this pro-life journey with LIFE Runners here in Fiji, one of the big things that stands out is the lack of "truth."  In discussions with our new LIFE Runners, the question has been raised, how women can have abortions and act like it means nothing, how they can talk of seeing the dead body of a fetus and act like it doesn't matter.  The answer is, until they are led to the truth they are in the dark morally.  They don't see it as being wrong because no one has helped them grasp the gravity of it, that taking another life for any reason is wrong.  The manner of a child's conception does not determine the value of that unique and individual life.  The unborn child has as much right to live as every single one of us.  It is wrong, not just because God says it is wrong, but because we have a moral responsibility to each other to protect the weak and voiceless.

Amazing healing comes with light.  When you are brought to the truth only then can you come to a place of conviction, which leads to repentance, which leads to forgiveness, which ends in peace in salvation.  Women who have had an abortion need to go through this, they need to feel it and let God heal them. They need to know that what they chose was wrong, but there is forgiveness in Christ Jesus.  They need to know that we all sin, and their sin is no different.  All sin requires repentance and a turning from.  All sin requires a debt to be paid and praise God Jesus paid that debt on the cross!

Before someone knows God they may not feel like their life choices are wrong.  They are living by their own moral standard which is guided by emotions.

2 Corinthians 4:3-4
But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them.

We are the light, as followers of Christ it is our job to speak truth.  Often times people confuse this truth speaking with judgement.  It is not judgment, we are called to speak the truth, the Holy Spirit convicts our hearts, only the enemy condemns.  God wants us to be convicted, for us to feel what we are doing is wrong so that we can come to him, ask forgiveness, turn from our path and move towards his perfect plan and will.  As a Christian it is my deep love for the lost that I speak the hard truth, not out of judgment.  If someone feels judged they need to look within themselves and see if that isn't their own guilt, and seek God for the answers.  I won't stop speaking the truth, I cant!  Even if I were to loose every friend I have, I have a deeper obligation to be obedient to God, and that goes beyond friends and family.  I seek God daily on a personal level to do this very same spiritual housecleaning in my own life, I ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any sin in my life, ask forgiveness, and turn from it.  It doesn't stop, its something I must do daily for the rest of my life.  I too struggle with sin just like everyone, it is part of being human in a fallen world.  My job, however, is to continue being a light in the dark world.

Matthew 5:14-16
"You are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

John 1:5
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

I love the illustration of a lit candle against a wall.  All objects but the actual flame cast a shadow.  Pure light casts no shadows, there is no darkness in it, nothing is hidden or can hide it.  Its beautiful really.  Light is powerful, it is comforting, it is a basic need.  We are drawn to it, and rightfully so, we are meant to be children of the light!

As a follower of Christ I have had my eyes opened to the truth.  I can no longer claim to not know my sin and so I confess it and turn from it so that I can stay in fellowship with God.  Christianity is not a religion for me, it is who I am.  My relationship in Christ determines everything that I do.  I make no decision without seeking God first.  My life is held to a higher standard, a standard set by God.  That means that there is no part of my life that is separate from this relationship.  I live for God first and foremost and so my life is no longer my own, I am not who I was.

Ephesians 4:23
and be renewed in the spirit of your mind and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The unbelievers eyes are still veiled and they may be unaware of damaging sin in their lives.  As Christians we need to be the light and share the truth.  It is not our place to change their minds, but it is our job to speak the truth and let God do the heart work.  Salvation is for everyone.  God wants all of his children to gather to him.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Forgiveness

Today as I rode my 30 mile stretch to Latoka I was seeking God on what He wanted me to speak to the women's group this week.  It took over half of the ride for me to completely see the picture he had placed in front of me.  I love the way God talks to me, and the way He confirms what He speaks.

Here in Fiji all livestock are free range in the sense that there are no fences.  All livestock have a very long rope tied around their necks, some are left to wonder while others are restrained by being tied to a tree or post.  When a rancher needs to capture his livestock he simply steps on the long rope as they walk away.

When we come into salvation, when we ask the Lord into our hearts a couple of things happen.  First, we become much like these animals, we have lush green pastures as far as the eye can see.  It is a gift given to us, our eternity bought and paid for.  Some of us make the transition easily, are able to turn from our lives of sin and run to lives of redemption and service for the Lord.  Some are like the livestock tied to a tree.  They see the gift, they can smell it, they can taste it but they are still restrained by the sin that remains in their lives.  That last bit of sin, that for whatever reason we have, we hold onto.  But I was most struck by the other kind, the kind that has the long rope still tied to their neck.  For me God revealed this as the group that struggles with forgiveness.

We are forgiven for everything if we come truly repentant and are willing to turn from sin, so then why are we so unforgiving.  We hold onto grudges, we store up an account of hurts and wrongs, we refuse to let it go.  I don't even want to think of how lost and broken we would be if God did that.  When we refuse to forgive someone we are dragging a long rope behind us, and any time the enemy wants to trip us up all he has to do is step on the rope.  We allow this un-forgiveness to keep us from the freedom of the plentiful pasture given to us.

I think for me I struggle more with forgiving myself, I do not have a hard time forgiving others, but forgiving myself is a different story.  Every time God calls me to boldness the enemy tries to trip me up by stepping on the rope I drag, the rope of un-forgiveness.  It can be anything really, another failure that I just cant believe I lost battle with.  The way I spoke to a loved one.  Maybe I caught myself entertaining gossip.  Whatever it may be, I find it easy for me to quickly come to the Lord for forgiveness as soon as I realize what I am doing, but I realized that I have not been forgiving myself, I have been storing up my failures and keeping an account and that has made me weak.

Today as I tackled the hardest stretch of rode I prayed with joy as I forgave myself, accepted Gods grace, and committed to no longer carrying that rope around.  I am now free to serve the Lord because I will not hold myself in un-forgiveness.  I pray for anyone who struggles with forgiveness, I pray that they would see that when you forgive, be it yourself or others, that you are setting yourself free form the wrong done.

Let Gods grace an mercy be accepted in your life by embracing it and believing in it.  Salvation is for all and it is a free gift given to those who believe and call upon the name of Jesus.

Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men of their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;  the old has gone, the new has come!

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Drawing lines in the sand

It is time for God fearing Christians to seek God diligently on the current state of our society.

I believe, because it is Biblical, that all leaders are appointed for a purpose.  God is all knowing, all seeing, and therefore is not surprised by anything that is happening in our world, grieved yes, surprised no.  We have come into a season that has greatly divided the Church.  This has been a time of struggle for me mostly because I cant wrap my mind around the things I am watching unfold.  As I spoke to a group of Christian women a few days ago, one said something that really opened my eyes.  She said that maybe the American Christians are facing these troubling times because it is a call to awaken the Church, to remind us that we need to stand for Christ and the truth even when that means we have to go against everything society is telling us.

I spent the better part my 20's allowing the lusts of my flesh to throw me into utter destruction.  I married a man that God clearly told me not to, but I loved him and I wanted him.  Sometimes what our heart wants is not what God wants and as an obedient Christian that means we have to deny our flesh and trust in God.  I didn't do that, I ignored God and I chose to follow my flesh right into the arms of a man I was never meant to marry.  See "love" is not an excuse to go against what God tells you, occasionally we are blinded by what we think is love only to find out that it lead us far from every truth we ever knew.  From there I spiraled out of control, and after my divorce there was no end to my sinfulness.  I let my flesh carry me lower than I ever dreamed it could.  I destroyed myself instead of trusting that God knew better.  It was only when I finally married the man God chose for me, surrendered my life to God, and turned away from my flesh that my life began to fall into place.

Our generation of Christians have lost sight of the truth.  We find churches that appease our "itching ears." We want affirmation that our sin is acceptable, that we can choose to follow our hearts when God tells us to follow Him instead.  We have so many churches and pastors indulging our itching ears, and as Christians we are leading each other astray.  We are being taught from some pulpits that these things are OK, but if you open the Bible you will find that there is no proof of that.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is acceptable between the same sex couple.  It clearly states that marriage is a union between man and women, I can find that in the Bible easily, but as much as society wants everyone to climb on board and accept gay marriage, if you are a Bible believing Christian then you cannot.  There is also no place in the Bible that says that homosexual sex is OK.  I can find many places in the Bible where it says that it is immoral, but not one place where it is said to be OK.  To simplify it, God says that sex is reserved for marriage (defined as a union between a man and a woman), so pre-marital sex of ANY kind is sinful (homosexual or heterosexual.)  We stopped talking about that long ago, we just accepted that people were going to have sex outside of marriage and that is where we opened the door to such a big problem in our faith walks.  See we don't get to pick and choose what we believe, as a Christian it is pretty clear, there are standards set up for us to follow.  I attempted in my younger years to pick and choose and it led to destruction.  God set these standards for us, not to harm us but to protect us.  I believe that God reserved sex for marriage because the union between one man and one women is the perfect union.  It is a gift for us, and it is meant to be shared only between one couple.

I am concerned when I hear Christians saying that God would change with the times, and when I hear this I wonder what god they are serving.  Certainly not the God I know, the God I serve created the Heavens and the Earth.  He is all knowing, all seeing.  He is the beginning and the end.  There is no time in our history that he has not seen, there is nothing He doesn't know about.  The Bible stands just as much in truth today is it did yesterday.  To say that God would now change His mind on homosexuality, or any of the sins that we want to participate in, is to say that we know more than God and that is foolish.  I understand that we want our loved ones, our friends, our families to be happy, and our homosexual loved ones are no exception, but I care less about happiness and more about their eternity so I will not indulge this new line of thinking.  I believe that we all struggle with our flesh, I also believe that some are called to celibacy because God wants their full attention, he wants to be what fills them and makes them complete.  I also know that many homosexuals have been delivered from their same sex desires when they have given their heart to Jesus, and denied their flesh as we are all called to do. I personally believe that some of the people who struggle with homosexuality may be some of the greatest servants of God of our time, if only they would take up the cross laid before them, deny their flesh, and follow Jesus.  I think that we have forgotten that sex is not everything, and if anything sex is the biggest tool the enemy uses to derail us on our mission for God.  I know that God has big plans of my life and I know that is why so many of my years were spent wrestling with my flesh.  Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with sin, I don't know anyone who doesn't, but the difference for me now is that I see it clearly and I reach for God when it attempts to infiltrate my mind.  For 10 years I followed the moral code of ME and it did not serve me well, now I serve the moral code of God and its harder, and it takes daily discipline in every area of my life, but in the end I want to have served God well.  I know that when I finally gave myself completely to God that it was impossible for me to continue in habitual sin, God convicted me and led me from it.  I know that this is true for all believers that desire to hear the Lord, if their ears are open the truth will be evident.

It is time for the Church to draw lines in the sand, to stand against popularity of the times and to be unwavering.  I do not only speak of same sex marriage.  Our Government has legalized abortion which is contrary to the Christian faith, as we know that we are commanded to not kill.  Our rights to serve God freely hang in the balance, and anyone who does not see that needs to step back and really look at what is going on in America today.  I have been blessed to see the US from a worldly angle and I can tell you that the world is watching and the view is not pretty.  We are crumbling into moral decay and confusion and although I believe that every season has its purpose I believe if the Christian community does not stand up for truth now, we will lose our right to truth later.

2 Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

Isaiah 30:9-11
For these are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instruction.  They say to the seers, "see no more visions!" and to the prophets,  "Give us no more visions of what is right!  Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions.  Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

Diving into the Unknown

One of the truly awesome things about living in Fiji is the amazing reefs and islands that surround the main island.  To experience Fiji in all of its glory you really need a boat, so we bought a boat that we co-own with a friend.  The water here is a color I can't describe and the reefs are healthy and teeming with life.  Fiji is made up of 322 islands, of which 106 are inhabited.  These islands are graced with beautiful white sand beaches, surrounded by gorgeous coral reefs and pristine azure waters.

Now, for the real meat of this post....I am terrified of being on the open ocean in the boat.  I have no idea why, nothing bad has ever happened to me in a boat, but when we get out there and there are any kind of waves or weather my body goes into total fight or flight mode and I start to panic.  This has been really upsetting for me because I want to be able to go out with all of our friends and enjoy our new investment.  Ryan loves the boat, he wants to fish and explore and I want to be a part of that.  The last few times we have tried to go out the weather has not been in our favor and so we have not had much fun.  Yesterday was a turning point.

The weather looked good and a few of our friends also had the day off so we left early morning for a last minute boat trip.  When we got out on the water it was nearly glass and as I thanked God I could hear him say, "this trip is my gift to you, enjoy it and trust in me that I am taking care of you."

I was enjoying the beautiful water all around us, the schools of game fish that we kept finding, as we headed out to Malolo island which is farther away than I would like.  I kept finding myself scanning the sky for danger as the cloud cover increased.  Every time I would start to let fear take over God would remind me that nothing was going to happen, that it was going to be OK.  After a short ride, thanks to perfect weather, we arrived at the reef.  At first I was hoping we would just keep going on to the island, knowing that if we stopped to snorkel we wouldn't get home until later in the day when the "chop" was supposed to increase.  At the reef I found peace again as the sky cleared.  There was just no way I was going to miss the opportunity to jump into this crystal clear water!  The reef was gorgeous and we swam around and explored, fished, and just spent time together for about an hour before pressing on to the island for some lunch.

The moment we came to the far side of the island I was struck by the sheer beauty of this place, it was incredible and impossible to explain.  Sandbars rising up in the middle of the ocean changing the water from deep blue to tan and every shade in between.  This was the side of Fiji that some people save their whole lives to be able to come visit, and this is my backyard!  Again as we pulled into port I started to worry that if we stayed to long the water may get rough, but God reminded me again to enjoy my day, and walking along the beach and taking in the sites, that's what I did.  I realized as we ate that sometimes I feel like I am in a movie here because this life is something out of a movie.  The places that we are seeing are so incredible and I can't even express how blessed I am that God gave us this time here.

When we finally headed back out to sea and left the far side of the island we were met with the chop increase that had been forecast.  There were some decent swells but Ryan piloted his boat perfectly and made our way back towards our port.  During the hour long ride home I sought God as the fear was trying to overtake, but I was finally able to rest in him.  To trust him completely and to shut down the fear.  I prayed during most of the ride, and I just talked through what I was feeling and as I did I was able to release it to Him.  We made it safely home, everyone reflecting on what an awesome day it was.

Later that night as I thought about it all I realized that I nearly missed my blessing because I was too scared to trust God and dive in.  If I had stayed home I would have missed the entire day!  If I had not jumped in at the reef I would have missed some of the prettiest reef I have seen yet.  If I had not been willing to go to Malolo for lunch I would have never seen a side of paradise that is beyond what I imagined.  Had I not been willing to turn my fear over to God on the ride back I would not have the confidence I now have to try again.

This was a great faith lesson for me!  How many times in my life have I robbed myself of the blessing that was right on the other side of something scary or hard?  A moment where God asked me to trust Him and fear won out?  I wonder what I missed out on...

I hope that this is a lesson I carry with me always.  Sometimes God asks us to do something that is downright scary, outside of our comfort zone, and doesn't make sense.  If we can find the courage rooted in our faith in Him and we jump in head first who knows the blessing that is waiting on the other side!  I for one hope to never rob myself of a blessing just because I am scared!

Be the Light

I honestly can't wrap my mind around this, logically it just doesn't make sense to me...

The other day I watched this video of this women who walked into a restaurant and began talking and crying about her little girl who was abused, held captive, and so on and so forth and in the end she made her talking point by announcing that the restaurant the people were dining in was the cause, because her little girl was a chicken and the eggs and meat the customers were consuming was causing the murder and abuse.  OK, I get it, some chicken farms are not great places and many animals are not treated properly and you know what that is sad and it needs to be changed, but man I wish society could have this much passion about our own unborn.

What caught me during her emotional speech was her claim that they needed to stop eating the eggs.  This then turned my mind back to the protected turtle egg nests that if you disturb you can face jail time and a hefty fine, again my mind is spinning. Look, I'm an animal lover, I hate to see animals hurting and abused and I have helped and donated where I can to some of these very important causes, but I think we need a reality check.

If this woman can see that a chicken egg is life, if the law can see that a turtle egg is life, then how do we turn a blind eye to our very own unborn's life.  Our babies are being killed buy the thousands daily yet we don't even get upset about it, no we applaud these mothers killing their children for exercising their rights.  Well this leaves me curious, if a woman has a right to murder her unborn baby simply because they share the same body, then is it OK for a conjoined twin to murder her sibling because they share a body?  I'm pretty sure that is unthinkable to us, that it would be called murder.  I am blown away that we as women somehow think that the laws that God passed down don't apply to us, that we somehow get a special pass on this one law, thou shall not kill.  Murder your toddler, bad, murder your 24 week old unborn baby, not bad.  That's insane and the fact that we don't see the wrong in that shows how fallen we truly are.

Lets get real, If the Pro-abortion movement spent half as much energy tending to the needs of these scared mothers as they do trying to push the agenda of death we might actually see the need for abortion diminish. The key is to walk side by side with these mothers and eliminate the crisis not the life of a precious child.  The manner of conception does not determine someones worth.  If your are genetically perfect or flawed it does not change your value.  We can hide behind all the reasons that we dig up but truth is truth.  Life begins at conception so this lump of cells concept is just a way to ease a guilty conscience.  Women's rights?  How about the fact that abortion leaves women in destruction, broken, hurting and no one willing to pick up the pieces because after an abortion these women have paid their money and are tossed away.  The only ones who truly care about them are the ones begging them to keep their babies.  It has nothing to do with wanting to force someone into doing something they don't want to do, it has to do with slowing down life long enough for the mother to really think about what she is doing and if she can live with that.  Statistically women choose life if reached out to by just one person willing to help.  Planned parenthood won't show a mother the ultrasound of their baby because they know once a mother sees that tiny miracle bouncing around they largely choose life.  Yes, there are some women out there who walk away from abortion feeling proud of their choice, but I question the shape their heart is truly in.

I have heard some say that killing the baby that was conceived in rape gave the women power, but based on the responses of women who are surveyed the opposite has been proved.  In most cases women who kill the innocent baby conceived in rape actually walk away feeling more damaged and raped all over again, where as the women that choose to keep or give up these innocent children for adoption find healing in choosing good to conquer evil and do not regret their choice.  You wouldn't ask the judge to let you murder the 4 year old daughter of the man who raped you to get your revenge, and if you would, I strongly urge you to get help because there is something deeply broken in you.  The darkness can never be broken by more darkness, you need light for that!

I believe without a doubt that as more hearts are turned towards life, as more and more abortion mills shut their door forever, that we have a chance to change the fate for women.  I believe that for every abortion clinic that closes two Pregnancy Resource Centers need to be opened, that if we can surround our scared and hurting women with love, options, and compassion that the need for abortion will be eliminated.  The worst thing we can do is to shut down these life saving clinics when the abortion clinics close their doors.  We have an obligation to these women to offer them the love and support they need to keep choosing life, to keep seeking the truth, to give every child a chance to feel the warm sun on their face, to fill our broken land with laughter.  This requires us to step up and step out, to volunteer and make donations to these life saving clinics.  I believe as the tides change, which they are, that we will begin to heal as a nation when we truly begin to value life from conception...

My Dark Passenger

I'm fasting with the church this week and today as I took some time to study God's word I was brought to a deeper understanding of something I thought I already understood.

I have always had anger in me, I'm not sure when this anger started and I don't know why it manifests the way it does.  It is part of who I am, deeply ingrained into my very being.  When I get into a tirade I feel completely unable to stop the run away train that I have become and fighting against the way I feel seems wrong because it is the way I have always expressed myself.  Ryan used to tell me that I needed to get the way I spoke to him and my Mom under control, that it was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be tolerated.  I always responded that it was who I am, I was that way long before he knew me and he couldn't just expect me to change because we were married.  How wrong I was indeed.

When I get frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, or disappointed I lash out.  I'm not talking your typical anger, I'm talking about using my words to destroy.  It's not something I really want everyone to know about me, but now you do.  Mostly I lash out at my Mom, my short fuse is the worst with her and for that my heart breaks.  I then choose Ryan as my next victim, and my sister Kris would run a close third, but when I started seeing my tone nearing this destructive zone with Ella Mae I really started looking at what was going on in my heart.  I began praying over it, asking for the the Lord to give me more patience, a softer response, and to let my heart overflow with his love.  I prayed for the darkness, the anger to be removed, that I would be changed.  I started seeking this change many years ago, but only recently have I seen it for what it truly is.  SIN.  When I respond with shortness, when I lash out in anger, when I say hurtful things I am behaving sinfully.  As I fight this battle inside myself I sometimes hear the excuse "but it's who I am, it's who I have always been" and that makes me feel better as the lies of the enemy soothe me momentarily and relieve the guilt from this battle.  Then I speak with that hateful tone and realize that I don't want it to be who I am and that I will not let the enemy lie to me anymore.  This can and will be broken, this dark piece of my flesh that I have hung onto for far too long.

Matthew 15:18
But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.

That is a devastating passage for me, I don't want the harsh words that come from my mouth to be from my heart because I don't want my heart to be that dark.

I see clearly now that I have accepted a huge lie of the enemy, a lie that seems to be commonly accepted in many aspects of "fleshly" sin.  If I was born this way then how can it be wrong.....That is a lie, we are meant to crucify our flesh when we choose to follow Jesus.  This is true for the anger and harshness that I have spoken with for my entire life, it is true when we speak of homosexuality, it is true when we say that addiction runs in our family, these are all things that we could use the "born this way or it's hereditary (alcoholism)" as an excuse but it does not excuse our choice to keep acting sinfully.  I can choose to be conscious of the way I speak, to reject the way I used to respond, a homosexual can choose not to engage in sexual activity that is forbidden, an alcoholic can choose not to pick up that drink.  The choice to die to our fleshly desires is not easy and it always comes with sacrifice but it is what we are supposed to do.  I'm not going to debate these issues with anyone, but I urge any Christian who is living one of these lies of the enemy to take some time and seek God's will on the matter.

We are all called to take up our cross and follow Him, and that means we have to do some serious "flesh" house cleaning if we want to become who we are meant to be.  I have truly confessed to God that this part of me is sinful and that I do not want it to be a part of me.  I have asked God to help me make the changes that I need to make.  I know it may take a lifetime for me to change, but I want to change, because I want to be who God meant for me to be.  This is one of many areas of sin in my life that God has helped walk me through and I am thankful that He continues to reveal His truth to me on a daily basis.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

I am a new creation.  When I asked Jesus into my heart, when I came to Him and asked forgiveness for my sins and turned from the sinful choices I was making God kept his promise and made me brand new.  That means that I need to let go of the "old man" that I need to let Him mold me into the  new creation I am meant to be.  That is a daily commitment to trying to live how I am supposed to, to not going backwards or looking behind me but always pressing forward.  When I stumble or fall flat on my face, which I will, I will pick myself back up and ask God to help me start moving in the right direction again.  Many years ago I decided to live my life for God.  That means that I want to be who I am meant to be and that person is not the person I used to be.  We can either live for God or for ourselves but the simple fact is that we can't have it both ways.  God will direct us and will never lead us astray if we will just let Him lead us.  I choose His way, and that means that my life is not my own anymore.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

Isaiah 48:17
This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I and the LORD your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow.

These scars are beautiful

I am realistic, I get that the world view can't be changed by my one post on the subject.  I get that my 3 friends are going to read this post and probably agree with me but that's about where it will end.  I'm still going to post it, because I love my daughter and I love my fellow females.

The other day a radio hostess was talking about how some hollywood star was complaining that she gained weight because her sister is pregnant and she is so upset about it.  The radio hostess then went on to say that, first off, no one can tell that she gained 5 pounds and second off, there are so many people around the world that would give anything to have enough food to be able to gain a much needed 5 pounds.  There is a reality check.  Now I get it, most people have never had to really see hunger up close and personal.  I have had the privilege of living in 3rd world countries and seeing that starvation is real.  I'm thankful that I have had my eyes opened to the true poverty in the world because it is life changing, but that is not what I want to talk about right now.

I weigh 155 pounds right now.  I gained about 10lbs when I moved to Fiji and I was mortified that I now lived in a bikini country and I was back in the 160's.  Then I let Fiji sink in and I realized something.  Ryan and I went to the beach and I didn't feel uncomfortable in my bathing suit.  There were all body types on the beach but that is not why I felt comfortable, I felt comfortable because NO ONE CARES HERE.  Seriously, size does not matter here.  Women who are large are confident, a confidence I honestly have not seen in American women.  Its not our fault that we are so insecure about our size, we have been told by society, from birth that we are too big, or too small, but its never good enough.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and why are these women of the island so beautiful regardless of weight?  Because they are confident.  They are secure in the skin they are in, literally.  No one is trying to be light skinned or darker skinned, there isn't fairness cream and lotion with bronzer filling up the shelves.  Now yes, I am sure there are some women here who are insecure or unhappy, but it is not a societal driven thing and it is refreshing!  This tropical paradise is so far removed from the tiresome burdens of perfection that first world countries seem so overly obsessed with.  I want my daughter raised that way.  To understand that beauty is on the inside and that your body is not what makes you beautiful.

We were at a fire dance the other day and Rebecca and I couldn't stop talking about how refreshing it was to see these beautiful dancers with real bodies.  Bodies showing the wear of child birth, bodies that were healthy and strong, bodies that were soft.  These women wearing nothing but coconuts and skirts took my breath away because they knew they were beautiful even though western society would have told them otherwise.  I want their confidence and I am slowly starting to have it.  I wear my bathing suit and I don't feel gross or fat, because I am neither.  I may not be the size I wanted to be but I am healthy.  I ride my bike, I run races, I workout, but I also live, I'm a mother, I eat pizza, you get the point.

If there is one thing that I really want to help Ella Mae discover, other than the deep love of God, it is that she is beautiful and jean size has nothing to do with it!

God created me and I am just as I should be.  It is my job to care for my body, to treat it well and not abuse it.  That means it is my job to love my body and that is what I need to start doing.  To see it the way God sees it.  Thank you God for lungs that can carry me through a race, a heart that is strong and healthy, for legs that can run, arms that can hold my daughter, eyes that can see the beauty around me, a sound mind that can learn and grow, for the marks my body bears from carrying a child and giving birth, I pray that I can always see the beauty because God created me and I am beautiful.  The same goes for you who are reading these words.  You are BEAUTIFUL!

Did You Say Spider....

Once upon a time 2 women who didn't even know each other started an incredible journey together.  These American women found themselves living in India and discovered a friendship that would be filled with crazy memories.  Tonight I am reminded of something that really set the tone for our lives of travel and adventure.

It was a typical evening in Dream Valley (Hyderabad India) filled with scheduled power outages and  husbands who flew crazy schedules.  We were spending time together and the subject came up of a rat that had decided one of the bathrooms was its home.  Just then we heard the tell tale sounds of said rat nosing around.  The rats in India are only rat by breed, they are in fact the size of cats and totally terrifying.  Armed with brooms we entered the bathroom to find the carnage left by the rat who made hasty retreat into the floor drain, which we bravely covered with a bucket and something heavy to hold it there.  The next day the landlord fixed the drains and that ended our first 3rd world critter saga.  Although many more critter incidents occurred in India none stick with me like that one, where two women braved the unknown to chase out a rat.

Tonight, nearly 6 years later, we find ourselves again living in a 3rd world Country.  Fiji is infinitely better than India in my opinion, but tonight it gave me a run for my money.  What a blessing it was to able to call my dear friend over to help me.  Honestly, 6 years ago I had no idea that I was having my first crazy adventure with a lifetime friend.  That first adventure was followed by pregnancies and birth and raising babies in India.  What a blessing she has been to me and I am so happy that our families get to share in this chapter together.  Back to the critter adventure...

So I decided it was time to spray the perimeter of the house with ant spray since the ants have been becoming problematic.  I went to the store, purchased the poison, closed the windows and sprayed the entire perimeter. Nailed it!

Not much later I was reminded why I prefer not to do this as the trapped and dying monster bugs began to emerge.  First one giant cockroach followed by another and another.  I sucked it up, and I killed them.  I'll admit I was screaming inside the whole time, but it had to be done and Ryan was not home.  Already feeling like I probably wouldn't sleep tonight knowing that the crazy dying bugs were running rampant but nothing prepared me for what came next.  I had just given Ella Mae a shower and had taken one after her and was exiting the shower when a huge huntsman spider rounded the corner.  I took one look at this huge scary spider in my house and decided NO WAY, I was not going to be able to handle this.  I called Becca and said "I can't do this."  Her response without asking any details was "I'll be right down."  That is the sign of a true friend.  She had no idea what I couldn't do but she was going to come and help me do whatever it was.  What followed next is probably going to be one of my favorite memories.

Becca was here, we were both armed with brooms ready for the spider stand off.  I was in a towel, too scared to change and possibly loose the spiders position.  Becca whacked it and it ran into the bathroom, we both began to scream and we whacked it again but then it was gone, where did it go.  I was certain I was going to have to move because I would never again be able to use the bathroom or any part of my house knowing this giant spider was hiding somewhere.  I suggest you look up the Huntsman Spider, they are ambush spiders and they jump (totally harmless of course but scary none the less).  That is my worst nightmare!

With some more screaming we found him in the trash can so somehow I mustered courage, tied off the bag and threw it in the trash.  He is still alive and can live anywhere but in my home!

I am so thankful for amazing friends that God handpicked for me.  Becca is certainly one of those people, she has been a blessing to my life and I cannot imagine these last 6 years without her in it!  Thank you Becca, now can we please stop with these crazy critter memories.....

Treading Water

There are days where I find myself singing "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming" not because I like the song, but because it truly describes my moment.  I feel like I am treading water, jut trying to keep my head above there surface and certainly not getting anywhere.  I should by now know that these "slumps" are set out to discourage me and that I can reject them and cling to the Word of truth, the Bible.  Why oh why is it so easy to forget that I have weapons to fight these attacks.

I feel struck, and feeling stuck makes me feel like a failure, and then I start dwelling on things I cannot change, failures and sins that I can fix but have been forgiven of.  Why do I dwell on these things that God has removed from me as far as the east is from the west.  I dwell on them because I am letting the enemy lie to me.  So at this moment I rebuke those lies.  I cling to the truth in the word.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5)

The lies we are told are meant to side track us, to distract us.  If I am looking at things past, things that God and I have already dealt with, if my focus is on failures that I have already given up then I'm certainly not looking at the things that God wants me to focus on.  If the enemy can keep me defeated then I won't be growing and serving God in the way that I am called to.  The deception is real, but the truth and the light shine through the lies and that is where my focus must turn.

This last week has been hard.  My Dad had to have emergency surgery and will now be under care of a hospital for 6 weeks as his body fights infection.  This leaves my Mom alone, in the country and she is not well.  I am thousands of miles away and unable to help and that sets the tone for all of the attacks that follow.  Sunday I was hit with a migraine, and a migraine is about the only thing that can keep me from church.  Although I believe that God kept me home that day to help out some Christian friends in need, I also know that when I miss church I feel something missing, so my week continued into a downward spiral.  Now I am sick and Ryan will not be home for 4 days, I have no energy and all of these burdens are resting on me.  Fear, doubt, guilt from past failures, are all pressing into me.  I feel like I'm only minutes from going under and then I open my Bible and my devotionals and I start to read the words God places before me.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  (Isaiah 43:1-2)

I think something that really stands out to me in the Isaiah 43:1-2 passage is the "when you pass through waters""when you pass through rivers""when you walk through fire."  That clearly states that we will experience these trials, they will not be kept from us, but we will not battle them alone.  I love that, it gives me courage and hope.  The trials of life are set out to make us stronger and God doesn't send us to deal with them on our own, He stays with us through them.  Praise God, He is our deliverer!

No matter what lies the enemy is trying to burden me with I know the voice of my Shepard and I trust in Him.  He will not leave me or forsake me.  He loves me enough that he died for me knowing that I would sin and fail and stumble and fall.  So I will keep getting back up and I will keep following him.  I am not perfect, actually far from it, but I am forgiven.  I have been redeemed, bought and paid for and I am proud to be a servant of God.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)

Bondage

Bondage, it comes in all shapes and sizes and can completely derail your life.  I realized only a few weeks ago that I have carried some bondage since my teen years that I never thought to ask God to help me with.

See I have an eating disorder, not the kind that most people think of, I'm not anorexic and I'm not bulimic but I am a binger.  When life gets rough I eat, when life gets boring I eat, when life gets sad I eat, you get the point.  Its not all of the time, but when a binge hits its so devastating to me.  I literally can't stop myself from it, it takes over and I can find myself consuming 2-4000 calories in mere hours.  I work out a lot and that helps me from getting fat, but honestly I can gain a pound a day when on a really bad binge.  I guess I have never said all of this out loud because it was always something I accepted as just being "me."  I never put two and two together to see that the enemy had me on this one, that this was a weapon formed against me, and yet I know that nothing formed against me shall stand.

Isaiah 54:17
"no weapon formed against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD

For my entire life I have silently battled this on my own.  Its funny the things that we are ashamed of.  I have no problem admitting that my life was out of control and that my sins were unrestrained before God turned my life around and took me to India but I have hidden this from everyone, including myself, until just recently mostly because I didn't see it for what it was.  I have been praying for God to reveal all things that need to be changed in me and the moment I saw that my glutton behavior was not just destructive but it was sinful I immediately asked God for help.

In this God revealed to me that I needed to not just let go of the recent past, but to let go and move forward from all hurtful events of my life.  He showed me that my not facing the wounds of my past had allowed the enemy to continue to hold me captive in destruction.  At that very moment I let go and gave it all to him, decided to no longer let any of my past affect my future I was released.  When I start to feel the binge creep in I start to pray and if I am still feeling weak I ask Ryan to pray with me.  I know that it will be something that I may have to give to God over and over, but at this point I feel completely delivered.  To be honest now I have to remind myself to eat, I know that seems funny but its true, I literally have very little desire for food, and eat not for enjoyment but for the purpose of eating.

I have really been trying to restructure my day to better serve God.  Instead of trying to find time for Him, I am getting up earlier and giving him the first of my morning.  It is enjoyable to start my day with him.  Even on a day like today where everything seems to be going wrong I am not longing for food but turning to Him to cover the details of our needs.  Praise God, I have again been set free, the enemy can't hold me captive in this bondage anymore!  I pray now that God will begin to change the residual anger and hardness that I seem to show when I am worried, I know that He can change me in every way until I am who He designed me to be!

Fiji Time

This is not a vacation, this is real life.  Sometimes that sneaks up on me, its hard to get my mind to wrap around the fact that home is not the US anymore, home is Fiji.  Just like all people who live in places such as this, my day to day is not spent lounging on a white sand beach (I wish).  We try to go to the beach at least once a month to be reminded how breathtaking this place is.

Grocery shopping has its challenges and there are simply things that I can't get here no matter how bad I want them.  Yesterday while in the store I overheard an Australian couple discussing laundry detergent, she was trying to remember what brand a friend had told her was "life changing."  There you have it folks, that is it in a nutshell!  Fiji is awesome and I'm happy for the chance to call this home.  It is a far cry from being the first world country that I was born and raised in, and that is why we may never leave!  If laundry detergent can be life changing that paints a really clear picture of how simple life is here.

We don't have cable, netflix, or hulu.  We really only turn the TV on for very short periods of time.  In the US, honestly, EM spent a good part of her day camped in front of the TV.  Here she runs outside and plays, and plays, and plays.  At school they pray together, sing bible songs, and her teacher sends me a notebook home every day telling me about things that are going on with EM, good and bad. Being able to send her to such a small private school with so much personal attention is such a blessing. Many businesses are closed on Sundays so that people can go to church and spend time with their families.  Nothing happens fast here, this place works on Fiji time, which can be very frustrating and totally relaxing at the same time.  I've noticed that beauty here fits all molds.  Big or small, women are beautiful.  Its hard to put aside 35 years of being told by society what is beautiful, but here I can put on a bathing suit and not feel at all uncomfortable because no one cares about my thick thighs, my average weight, none of it matters.  In Fiji I've noticed that a smile goes a long way, and if you are friendly you will be treated right.  The Fijian people are some of the friendliest and most helpful people I have ever met!

There is one fast food restaurant within driving distance, a McDonalds, that is it.  There are amazing sit down restaurants but fast food of just isn't happening here.  At first I was bothered by that and now I am thankful for it.  Everything here takes time and it is nice to spend time sitting and eating with friends and family.  Its funny, it really makes sense why there are not fast food restaurants, people just aren't in a hurry here.  Our lives are lived on one main road that covers maybe 15 miles between Nadi Town and the village we live in.  There is nothing pressing to do and no reason to hurry to do it.  So life goes by and you get a chance to just enjoy it.  The sunsets are
spectacular, and if I could I would drive the 5 minutes to the beach to watch every last one of them!

I am thankful for the chance to be here to learn this valuable lesson, slow down, and live life.  Don't be in such a hurry to get to where you are going that you miss the journey along the way.  I know that God has big plans for my family, and why I am waiting for His direction I'm going to sit back and enjoy the splendor that is before me!  Thank you God for blessing us so richly!

Set My Heart on Fire

This week as I fast and spend extra time in study and in prayer I’m trying very hard to be sensitive to that still small voice that guides my way.  I’m trying to allow Him to speak to me and show me not only what He has planned for me, but what He is trying to change in me.  I know my biggest struggle right now is fear and doubt, and so clearly He is trying to increase my faith if I will just let him.  I know what that means, it means there are trials ahead because there is no other way for my faith to be increased other than for it to be tested.  I’m praying for complete surrender.

The other day I was walking along the beach talking to God as I went about trying to find a shell for EM’s hermit crab Tigger, and I was struck by the peace and beauty surrounding me.  I realized something profound had changed in me, that I desire to be In His presence, In His grace, surrounded by His purpose now so much more than I ever did.  I pondered what my fears are, what keeps me from diving headfirst into the unknown without fear.  True, we came to Fiji on faith, but I will admit that I kicked and screamed along the way, it was not the graceful transition it should have been.  I realized that I don’t know what my fears are, why I panic when things get rough, why I cant just turn my eyes straight to Him when it gets overwhelming, why I still hold onto the illusion that I have some power over the universe.  I do know one thing, and it became very clear to me as I walked and talked.  I no longer fear death, and that should be the game changer.  Death is not scary for me, I know that it may happen before I want it to, or it may be painful or peaceful but I don’t fear it anymore.  I know that when I leave this place I will be heading to eternity to be with my God and Savior, and that is not scary.  The only death I do still fear is the death of a friend or loved one who is not saved, the thought of them not spending eternity in Heaven can literally stop my heart in my chest.  It is the reason I have to say these things, because I don't want anyone left behind, but it is our individual choice so all I can do is continue to pray for those who continue to reject Him.

As I walked along the beach I searched for what I truly want right now, and when it came to my heart I wrote it in the sand as my prayer.  “start a fire in me.”  Set me a blaze God, don't let me burn out!  Give me boldness to say what people don't want to hear, to speak life and love with all that I am.  I have never been much of an evangelist, I'm too introverted for that but I see God asking me to step up and step out and honestly the stakes are high, we are talking about life an death literally.  I want God to show me how to reach the lost, how to live my life in a way that makes people see that God is at work.  He took me out of the mess I had made of my life and set me back on His path and I have never been the same since.  My marriage had a fresh start, our miracle daughter was born, and He is laying ministries on our hearts.  There is no turning back.  I saw how much God loves me, he could have just left me in my spiral to self destruction, but he knew I had to hit a certain low before he could get my attention so he let me fall, and then he caught me!  There is no past too dark, no sin too bad, there is nothing that God wont forgive if you confess it to him and let him heal you!  I know what it is to be pulled from the path of destruction, to be thrown a life line.  I will tell you that God didn't force me, he simply told me to choose, that I was at a crossroad in my life, one path would lead to complete destruction of my life and one lead to healing and redemption.  The path of destruction was easy, like going downhill, but the path of redemption required work and commitment to letting Him have his way in me.  Praise God I chose his path, my life has never been the same!  He wants that for everyone, he is offering that to us all!  

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
Notice how it says FROM ALL unrighteousness, God doesn't pick and choose what to forgive us for, he just requires we come to Him repentant and ask for His forgiveness and He forgives us!  That's amazing, if only we were that forgiving to each other, which by the way we are supposed to be!  I am so thankful that we have a God who loves us and cares for us and sent His Son to redeem us!  

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.  And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.  Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)

“Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 10:32)

My SIM Test

Last night a friend tagged me on someones blog link and I tell you what she could not have tagged me in a more perfect post at a more perfect time.  I think that this was God reminding me that things of this world are not worth holding onto, because he knew this week was going to be a hard one for me as we close on our home.

I'll admit that this move has not been real to me until now. Tomorrow our beautiful home, the home we made our own with blood, sweat, and tears will no longer be ours. I will never again watch Ella Mae run down the path to her Grandparents or watch her explore with Tobias and Deogie in our huge yard. I won't be able to see wildlife out of my bedroom window or take a quiet moment on our deck listening to the wind moving through the pine trees. I think I am finally starting to grieve the life we left behind, and for that I praise God! I cannot fully appreciate where God has sent me until I let go of where I have been.

I know that God is working on faith with me in this season of my life, and I am no stranger to how He increases faith, for me it's always by trials.  Today as I crashed and burned on the latest trial, I realized that for me faith tests are much like Ryan's SIM sessions.  The only difference is that when I fail God gives me another chance, and one after that, and so on.  In the SIM the pilot knows the "trial" is coming.  How and when the trial will come about they are not sure of, and that is my life.  I know that because we are selling our house that there will be trials surrounding it until the very end, I know that they will come I just don't know how or when they will happen.  When it happens I am supposed to turn my eyes to God and ask Him for guidance and help, instead 90% of the time I revert to my old response and panic, and become totally irrational.  Ryan, my SIM partner attempts to redirect me and help me calm down but most of the time I just can't release it and I end up plummeting into utter failure until finally I submit, the problem is resolved, and we move on to the next attempt.  I am learning to turn my eyes back to God much more quickly than I used to, but I want so bad for that to be my first response and spare the unnecessary drama that solves nothing anyways.  Today a very important document for our closing got misplaced and no amount of me freaking out was going to help the situation, but I did freak out and lashed out at those I love the most.  Finally I prayed and wouldn't you know it, the paper was found.  Why can't I pass these tests, especially the ones that I know are coming!  Lord, help me to run to you in every trial, I can not do it without you!

"Why are you frightened?" he asked.  "Why are your hearts filled with doubt?" (Luke 24:38)

Good question, why am I frightened?  If I know that God brought us here for a purpose and I know that we have submitted to His will and direction then what do I have to fear?  If things fall apart maybe it happens so God can put them back together the way that He needs it to be.  Sometimes hard things need to happen for His purpose to be revealed and many times we never know exactly why we go through what we go through but honestly who are we to question.  He is the Creator of all things, He is the beginning and the end, who am I to question.  I don't want to know all things and I certainly trust God or we wouldn't be in Fiji right now, so why when the storm hits do I revert to panic.

I do know one thing, that my response to Gods affects more than just me.  I love the quote from the book "Called and Accountable" by Henry Blackaby and Norman Blackaby:

"The eternal destiny of others may rest in our response to God's invitation and call.  He will also hold us accountable for our response to His invitation."

I am here to serve God, to be His hands and feet here on earth and I don't want to deny Him to opportunity to reach someone who is lost through me, honestly I don't have the right to say no I AM HIS. He has promised to walk with me, but I must be obedient to Him.

Matthew 28:18-20

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."