Identity Crisis

I can barely breathe when I think of the state of things in the world right now, especially in America.  I simply cant understand how we got to where we are, how the celebration of immorality and mental illness has completely taken over from the Government level down to our private households.  We no longer stand up for what is right, and most of us feel like the world has lost its grip on reality.  My heart has never been more broken then it is right now.  I literally can not sleep because i am so overwhelmed by the state of things.  This is not about gay marriage, this is not about transgendered bathrooms, this is about the fall of mankind and we have led the way by losing our ability to offend, by being more scared of hurting someones feelings than concerned for their eternity.

My husband and I were talking about it all yesterday and he asked me how someone could be a practicing homosexual "christian" and how their "church" could justify it and it hit me.  We put a line through one passage of the Bible long ago, a line that most of us still don't see as a problem and with that one line, came the lie that started this all.

Matthew 19:5
"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

Sex was and has always been meant to be shared between ONE man and ONE woman who are joined in marriage!  When we stopped seeing premarital sex as sin, we put a line through the word of God and this path became a slippery slope.  As Ryan and I talked about these christians who felt that homosexual sex was acceptable, a thought popped into my head and I asked him "did your premarital sex keep you up at night before you got married?"  He answered "no" and that is the key right there.  Neither did mine but it should have! As Christians we know that sex outside of marriage is a sin and yet it has been normalized since the sexual revolution so as much as we heard on Sunday that we should abstain all of the rest of the time we heard that everyone was doing it and that it really wasn't that big of a deal.  ITS A HUGE DEAL! I'm guilty of this, I had sex before I was married, I am also divorced.  I'm not standing here pretending like I don't have my sins, most of my 20's were lived recklessly in direct disobedience to God.  I struggled with sin and battled addictions, but God delivered me from them and with a repentant heart I turned back to Him and He gave me a brand new life! It did require one thing from me, to turn my back on my sinful ways, to die to my fleshly desires and to do things Gods way. I still sin, I still mess up, and I am constantly asking God to direct my path and change my heart.  It's not something you do just once, we have to die to self every single day.  We have to continue to ask God for forgiveness when we stumble and backslide and we have to press forward again and again and follow after Him deliberately!

We aren't loving our Christian brothers and sisters when we are too afraid to offend them and less concerned about their eternity.  Mother and Fathers who have a child who battles with homosexuality have a hard road to face.  Loving the sinner and hating the sin is a fine line, but it is a line none the less.  I'm not going to stand here and pretend like I have any idea what a struggle it must be for the entire family, but I will not justify the behavior of homosexuals because I love them.  The fact of the matter is that we do not get to pick and choose which sins are ok.  That would be nice, if we could have just one, a favorite and get a free pass on it, but that is not how it works.  There are plenty of people "born this way" that excuse is not a pass for sin.  You may be born with homosexual desires but a pedophile is born with attraction and sexual desires for children, shall we allow that?  A sociopath is born with a lack of conscience so should we let them get away with murder?  Morality is not subjective.  The problem is that instead of basing morality on the requirements God laid out people have rejected God and are attempting to base morality on something else, feelings and emotions.  That simply does not work, each of us has our own feelings and our own emotions so what may seem right to you will possibly seem wrong to me and vise versa, therefore morality becomes a blurred grey that has no firm foundation.  This is the morality we are seeing rising in the world today and it is a house built on the sand, it cannot withstand the test of time.

The argument now for all things LGBT is emotion, feelings.  They have wrapped up their identities in their feelings, their attractions, and sexuality.  A lot of us do this, we look in the mirror and we see what we feel.  Too fat, too short, too shy, sexy, boring, ugly, beautiful, too skinny, you get the point.  We let our emotions determine our identity.  News flash, our identity has nothing to do with our sexuality, nothing!  Our identity has nothing to do with how we see ourselves, nothing!  Our identity is not controlled by how others view us!  Our identity is supposed to come from one place, from the Creator!

We were created in Gods image, that is our identity.  We were created to serve the Kingdom of God, that is our identity.  We were created to love and encourage one another, to lead others to Jesus and to serve God alone, that is our identity.  When we accept our place and position as a child of God we find our identity.  It is not in who you desire to have sex with, that is your sexual preference, not your identity. It is not if you feel like a boy or a girl, your gender comes from your DNA, not your emotions.  We lost our identities when we stopped looking for them where they are meant to be found, in a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.  God also gave instruction for those who did not feel compelled to follow the natural order of His law.

Matthew 19:12
For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.  The one who can accept this should accept it."

I believe that some of us have great purpose in the kingdom of God and those who may have the greatest purpose may be called to trust in God alone for that deep relationship.  I also believe that those who will do the most for the kingdom face the greatest struggles.  This may mean that someone who battles homosexual desires needs to commit to a life of chastity in the service of the Lord.  I also believe that like most flesh desires, you have to make a choice to turn away from what God tells us is off limits regardless of how natural it feels to you.  Denying our fleshly desires is not some new thing and its not just something God asks a few of us to do, He asks all of us to do it!  Our flesh is contrary to Him and we cannot have it both ways.  We all struggle with our own personal brand of sin.  To think that one is harder than another is to think that you can fully understand every person and what they face.  Jesus didn't say it was going to be easy, He told us to pick up our cross and follow him.  That is a life of sacrifice, a life of self denial, a life of flesh battles and surrender to Gods will.  We don't get to draw lines through sins of our choosing and homosexuality is clearly called a sin over and over again in the Bible.  Remember, our identity is not our sexual inclination, or our emotional desires, our identity is rooted in our relationship with God!

If we continue down this path of normalizing sexual sin and immorality future generations will struggle more and more, just as those of us following the sexual revolution grew up knowing that God said sex was meant for marriage but still not seeing it so much as sin but skirting the issue.  Our hearts were hardened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and we were able to act without guilt.  There are many Christians living with little thought to their premarital sex, but this is a sin be it heterosexual or homosexual sex.  Homosexual sex is forbidden, however, and is considered an abominable act.

Romans 1:26-28
"For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions.  For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.  And since they did not see it fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done."

Its time to stop being afraid of offending someone and time to start speaking the truth in love no matter what.  This isn't about judgement, its about truth.  We are all sinners, and God does meet us right where we are but He loves us WAY TOO MUCH to leave us there.  We need to get on our knees and face to face with Him and let Him open our eyes to all of the lies of the devil.  I'm not saying it will be easy, and I'm not saying it wont hurt, but eternity is at stake and we do not have time to worry if we have been politically correct.  As Christians speaking the truth in love and not condemnation we are serving God in a world that hates the truth and we will be hated for it, but our identity lies in the one who saved us, and He doesn't care how popular and well liked by others we are, he cares about the millions of salvations at stake.

This isn't about transgender bathroom laws, this is about normalizing an agenda, about raising a generation who no longer sees the truth but is spoon fed these lies.  Gender dysphoria is a mental illness that needs to be lovingly addressed.  These bathroom laws do not help the transgender community because the truth is that those who identified as women were most likely already using the ladies room and vise versa.  This law does open a free for all for anyone who wants access to a place of vulnerability, locker rooms and bathrooms.  Of course they have twisted the concern to somehow reflect that those who oppose the bathroom laws fear the transgender community, but that is a bold faced lie!  I have no fear that a transgender man will harm me while I am in the locker room.  I do not feel, however, that just because he feels like a woman means that I need to be exposed to his body in a locker room.  My concern is for a sexual predator to use these laws to his advantage as he will not have to justify why he has entered the locker room or bathroom and he may be there to harm or take  advantage of someone.  Yes, a sexual predator can enter a ladies room with bad intentions with or without these laws, but these laws don't give me to the right to ask him to leave, where as before, security would have been called. These laws are bad, they don't protect anyone.  I think if people open their eyes to the reality that they should be able to see how letting our teenagers choose which bathroom to use based on how they feel is a very bad idea.  If I had a daughter who felt like she was a boy I certainly would not think her to be in a safer situation by having her shower with a bunch of teenage boys!  Her body is still that of a girl and needs to stay where that body is safest, with girls.  That is common cents!

This all boils down to one thing.  We need to find our true identities where they are meant to come from, we need to see ourselves from Gods eyes.  We are deeply loved, created in His image to serve love and honor Him.  We need Him, we were created for Him by Him and He does not make mistakes.  We are being blinded by the lies of the devil.  It's time to open our Bibles, get down on our knees and pray.  There is nothing that God cannot heal.  There is no sin to great that God cannot forgive.  There is nothing too broken that God cannot restore.  We need to trust in the Lord, to turn back to Him, to stop following the ways and lies of this world.  The devil wants you to think that it's impossible, that you wont be able to break free.  The devil wants you to think that your identity is wrapped in these desires, but it's not true.  God created each and every one of us, perfect in his image, and we were designed to live out our lives according to Gods will! He will never leave us and He will help us through anything but we have to trust Him and we have to surrender to Him.

I pray for those who fight this battle, my heart truly breaks for your struggle.  Being someone who understands the nature of addiction and being swept away by the struggle of sin, I wish that there was a magic trick that would just set each and every one of us free from our personal struggles, but there isn't.  There is, however, and all knowing, all loving God who wants to walk with you through this and if you trust Him He will get you to the other side.

Dear Ryan

To my amazing husband,

This morning I woke up to my alarm set early for a long run.  You rolled over and wrapped your arm around me and I stopped and took a moment to just be in your presence.  You were still asleep and the first light of the morning was coming through the windows and i could see the outline of your handsome face and it made me smile.  You are mine, not just for today, but for this lifetime.  God chose you for me and I cant imagined being blessed in a bigger way then to have you as my partner in this life.

I got up and went for my run, not thinking too much about what you had to give up for me to have this run.  You have blessed me with so many early mornings so that I can run.  You never complain, never once.  In nearly two solid years of me leaving you to get Ella Mae ready for school, sometimes three times a week, you have never given me even a hint that you are frustrated by my need for these mornings.  That's just it, my love, you sacrifice and you do it with that big teddy bear heart that made me fall in love with you.  Not that getting Ella Mae ready is a sacrifice, but you give up that rest, the rest you may need, the rest you most certainly deserve and you do it as an act of love towards me.

I think it's time for me to tell you just what I think of you...

Today after you left for work I ran to the store to get the few things we didn't have time to get on our errand run earlier this morning.  I saw your plane fly overhead and I thought of the terribly long work day you had in front of you.  Then as I arrived home I got a text from you letting me down easy that date night would have to be rescheduled because they threw in another long night shift on Friday. This got me to thinking.  I want to say THANK YOU!  How many days do you run errands with me before you have to go work a six sector day?  All the time!  I know that you would much rather relax at home then run all over Fiji with me, but you do it because you know that deep down I really want you to spend that time with me.  Its the same thing with the early morning runs or the other times that you put my needs so far in front of what you may want or need.  I will never forget when you came out to run the last 10k of my marathon with me just so I would not give up, it was hot and the run was not easy but you didn't want to let me down so you pushed through. How many times have you walked through the door after a hard long day and I immediately ask for you to do something and you just jump right in.  I could go on and on because you are always doing things to show your love for your family.  I've been so selfish! I'm so sorry that I haven't always concerned myself with what you needed in those moments.  What I find truly incredible is no matter what you need you never put it in front of what Ella Mae and I need, NEVER! I want you to know that I see these things, they are being stored up in my heart and they make a big difference to me.  I also want to make you a promise.

In a time when the new feminist norm is to tell men they aren't anything special, or they are unnecessary I want you to know that you are INCREDIBLE!  You are the most amazing man I have ever met.  I don't just love you, my husband, I want to honor you!  I love that you are the head of this household.  You aren't nobody, you are irreplaceable!  Don't think I don't know the sacrifices you have made for us.  I know that you could be flying long haul and sacrificing time away from your family to further your career, but you choose us.  I know that you could be jet rated right now, living the pilot dream, but again you put family before everything.  I would follow you to the ends of the earth (does India count, if so I already have).  I trust your judgment and I respect your authority as the head of this house.  You show more tenderness with our daughter then I could have ever hoped for.  You are the most loving and amazing Daddy and that is an unbelievable blessing in a time where absentee dads seem to be everywhere (or nowhere at all).  I see you, I hear you, and I love you.  You put up with a whole new brand of crazy by being married to me, and yet you always come back with a gentle heart.  You try your best to understand me and to be sensitive about what I need even when I don't know what I need.

You my love are invaluable, irreplaceable, and vital to Ella Mae and I. You are a true man of God.  You represent Him in your words and actions.  You put our ministry ahead of your needs and you never short God when it comes to giving Him back what is rightfully His.  You lead by example and that has taught Ella Mae the importance of tithing, honoring God, and being obedient.  I don't worry about who Ella Mae will marry because if he is anything like her Daddy he will be an amazing husband.  Thank you for filling this home with laughter, for always forgiving and for loving me even when I am unlovable.  I promise to never stop fighting for our marriage, to never stop being your biggest cheerleader, and to love you until my last breath.  You are a gift from God and that I am fully aware of.  From the depth of my heart, I love you and I will continue to love you long after youth has left us because I am asking God to teach me to love you with covenant love.  The kind of love that is not inspired by feelings but comes from His amazing overflow.  The kind of love that cannot be broken because it is a promise, it is a commandment, and it never runs dry.

Love,
Your wife

Heavenly Hugs

This morning at church as we spent our time in praise and worship I prayed that God would help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not let my mind to wander.  In a study that I have been doing by Max Lucado called "A love Worth Giving" he had a great illustration about guarding our minds.  The idea was that we are a ship and we choose what we let on board, we can stop things at the dock and not let them taint our ship.  My mind wanders, a lot, so I have used this ship illustration every time a condemning, harmful, sinful, or wrong thought tries to enter my mind.  I pray that the Holy Spirit is the "gatekeeper" and that these thoughts are rejected before they even have a chance to come on board.  This morning I closed my eyes, envisioned the Trinity and myself coming aboard my ship and pushing back into the great wide ocean.  Then something very incredible happened, my worship changed.

This morning, with eyes closed and heart abandoned Jesus came close to me, He wrapped His arms around me and He hugged me in a way that makes you forget the whole world.  For those moments I was embraced by Him, my head rested on His chest, His cheek pressed against my forehead, His arms wrapped around my waist holding me tight.  You know those hugs that make everything better, that make all fear, doubt, and sorrow just disappear?  Well that is how Jesus hugged me today.  Instead of my mind wandering my focus was on how intimately close He was to me.  The embrace of a loving Father, the comfort of a precious friend, the love that can not be shaken.  I don't know if I sang the words to the songs, but I do know that Jesus rocked me in His arms and that for a moment He spoke to me of all of the rejection I have felt over my life.  In my heart He showed me that His love for me is so amazingly deep and complete, that He just wants to hold me and love on me.  That He doesn't reject me and that nothing can take His great love from me.  In his arms I cannot be snatched away, He claims me, I am His.

John 10:29
My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.

Sometimes I hear people speak of an unloving, distant god who sits in heaven with his back turned on humanity, or a god that simply cant be reached but should be feared.  These gods are not real because God is intimately involved in our life and He wants to be as close to us as possible.  He doesn't sit in Heaven looking down on us in disappointment and judgment.  He reaches for us, He chases after us, and Jesus loved us so much that he left the comforts of Heaven to walk this earth with us, to die on the cross for us and be raised from the dead paying the final debt for our sins.  Jesus embraces us, He loves us and forgives us because He can't imagine life without us.  I have heard people say "but why would you want to serve a god who you are commanded to fear?"  Well the truth is that this commandment to fear is not fear at all, it is respect and reverence.  God deserves and commands our respect, but fear is for those who do not yet know Him.  God does not give us a spirit of fear. Draw near to Him and be filled with His love!

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

If you are feeling far from God, if you are feeling rejected in this hard world maybe its time to close your eyes and ask Jesus to come near.  He wants to, He really does.  Ask Him to hold you, to comfort you, and then let yourself be held.  Let go and let God shower you in His embrace.  You wont regret it, when Gods love overflows on us, it changes everything!  We can all use a fresh anointing, and the Holy Spirit is waiting for you to ask.....

John 14:14
You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Cyclone No More!

I think we have solid choices in this life, we can be buried by the struggle or we can fight our way through never giving up!  This week I had to make that choice, and boy were there moments when it almost buried me.  Fact is the weeks not over and we are not in the clear just yet, but I have decided that I refuse to stop fighting!  God gives me the strength and that is where I put my hope, in God!

Last Monday Ella Mae started having a mysterious tummy ache, with no other symptoms.  We waited a couple of days because there are so many viruses and infections all over Fiji right now that there was no cause to race in for treatment because it was not in the appendix region, she had no fever, and wasn't terribly bothered by it.  By Thursday she had lost her appetite and other then the continuing low stomach discomfort there were still no other symptoms.  It was time to visit the doctor as we couldn't ignore the fact that it wasn't getting better and she was now no longer interested in eating.  The doctor confirmed that it was not anything dangerous, such as appendicitis, and decided to treat her for constipation since the pain appeared to be intermittent lower intestinal cramping.  He told us to give it 3 days and if it wasn't better we needed to come back.  Fast forward to Saturday and she was miserable, still no symptoms other then this intermittent cramping, but it just wasn't getting better.  We also had a new problem, a line of storms (potential cyclones) were headed for Fiji and it was uncertain if any doctor office would even be open on Monday when we had an appointment with our doctor.  I called our doctor and he told us to increase the laxative and we would have to wait and see what the storms did.

At this point Ella Mae's spirit was defeated.  She was scared that her tummy would never feel better, that she would never feel good again.  My heart broke with every tear she cried, I wanted to promise her that it would go away, but honestly I was starting to wonder.  We gathered as a family and sent out prayer requests to our friends all over the world and Ryan and I laid hands on her and prayed.  It was almost immediately that she had relief from her symptoms and she felt good for the rest of the night.  We were so thankful that God gave her relief and it restored my hope!  Sunday was a day of on and off again cramping and we planned to see her doctor on Monday to consider new treatment options.  I dreaded the weather reports as they came in painting a concerning picture for the week ahead.

Monday we woke up and I called the clinic and they were open so we decided to head there in spite of the torrential downpour going on.  We didn't make it half way before the overwhelming reality hit, Nadi was flooding and we needed to get back home right away!  With tears in my eyes I told Ella Mae we couldn't make it, that we needed to go home and she would have to wait to see a doctor.  It was a completely defeated moment, I felt like I was failing her!  That brave little daughter of mine looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and put on a brave smile and said, "it's OK Mom, it doesn't hurt that bad."

We grabbed some quick supplies and made our way home, the water rising quickly at every bridge and across our road.  Ryan was flying and I had no idea what this storm was about to do.  TD15F was catastrophic for our little island paradise.  Our river burst its bank and overcame every bridge.  I didn't know that water could rise 20 feet in a few hours, I didn't know that rivers could became raging bulldozers in less than a few hours devouring everything in their path.  I have never seen anything more terrifying that the sheer mass of these flood waters. As more and more pictures came in it was overwhelming to see the destruction!  I prayed Ryan would get home before our road was completely flooded and praise God they sent him home with enough time to get him before our road was impassable for our little car.

Now we were all together but Ella Mae was still in pain and we had no idea how long we would be stuck as the next storm was lined up to hit in the next day.  Our clinic was under water, and so we had to find another doctor to see.  Our friends recommended one in Lautoka which had not been hit as hard with the flooding so the next day we raced to the doctor so we could be seen and get back in time to prepare for what was now looking like a cyclone on its way.

The doctor was wonderful and she took her time with Ella Mae and decided we needed to treat with another round of antibiotics.  We were happy to be going home with something to try, knowing that we wouldn't be able to be seen by a doctor for a few days if the cyclone did hit.  Ella Mae's heart sunk more as she had thought the medicine would make her feel better right away, but it didn't.  We kept telling her 3 days (thats the timeline our doctor gave), and as I type we are on day 2 with mild improvement.  We have found that a heating pad helps the cramping and praise God her appetite is returning, although we must be very careful what we feed her as some things cause more pain then others. Today during one of her cramping episodes she drew this picture and gave it to me.  It says "I wish that I am like this" and the picture is of her happy and smiling.  My heart literally broke!  I want her to feel well again too, and I know that she will, but its hard to help her understand that sometimes it just takes time...

This week was never going to be easy.  I am fasting with our church and fasting weeks are always a time of trial, direction and growth. I accept that and I don't fight against that because I want to grow.  This week as I wrote down my spiritual goals for this fast.  I prayed first and foremost for healing for Ella Mae.  I think that God wanted to work on that area of my faith.  I don't question whether God can heal, I believe without a doubt He can and does.  I have experienced it first hand in my life and witnessed it in others.  The thing is, that I am in a place in my faith where I also accept that sometimes He does not heal.  That does not mean I have weak faith or I question Gods ability, I know what God can do, and I accept that sometime the answer is no.  I have prayed a million times for God to heal my infertility, but His answer is no.  He has a purpose in my infertility and it is the hand I have been dealt.  Out of my infertility is my biggest blessing, Ella Mae.  If I were fertile she could not have been mine and so that miracle, that blessing came from my biggest heartache.  Also, my Mom.  I have never seen someone suffer as long as my Mom.  She endures tremendous pain and struggle, and yet her faith remains strong.  She is incredible to me.  She doesn't feel abandoned by God (although I am sure she has her moments-dont we all) and she doesn't feel rejected by Him.  She believes that her suffering has purpose and may change someone else life and she accepts that.  That doesn't mean she stops praying for healing, it doesn't mean her faith is weak and she doesn't think God can't heal, she just accepts that right now and possibly until she leaves this life His answer may be no.  Sometimes I feel guilty for my acceptance of unanswered healing, but then I remember what the Bible said about problems and trials. Even Paul had physical sufferings and asked the Lord to remove it from Him but Gods answer was no.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in the weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Romans 5:3
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

I have accepted that healing may not come in this life but Praise the Lord, God is more concerned with our eternity!  Waiting for those, who put their hope in Jesus, are brand new bodies.  No more pain, sorrow or struggle, in Heaven we will be healed!  I do believe that Ella Mae's sickness is a passing thing and that she will be healed, I will continue to cry out to the Lord for her and will continue to give her the medicine that is prescribed, but God used this opportunity to talk to me about my viewpoint on healing and to stretch and strengthen my faith!

We woke up Wednesday to find out that we had a Category 2 Cyclone, Zena, on the way.  She would hit us Wednesday evening.  Ryan was at work and the rain had caused the flood waters to make our road impassable in our car .  Ella Mae lounged around, her appetite ever improving as was her energy, and I used my time to put up storm shutters and prepare for the worst.  We had friends and loved ones praying all over the world, a cyclone was not good for Fiji.  The floods had already displaced thousands and the island had still not recovered from the previous Cyclone only 6 weeks earlier.  So many people were without safe homes and we looked to take another direct hit.  It was disheartening to say the least, but there was nothing left to do but prepare and pray.  Ryan was sent home because the storm was in the path of his flight and a mechanical delay had set them back to late to make it out.  Another blessing from God, our Ryan was coming home!  He was scheduled to sleep in Suva for the next 3 nights, but due to this mechanical delay and the weather he would get to be with us for the storm.  Ryan's cab could not take him across our road so he called me to come wait for him on the other side of what is now lovingly called the "Gulf of Nasoso."  This short trek wading through knee deep water got him thinking and he announced that he wanted to take the kayak down to the flood waters and help the many people trying to get across with cyclone supplies and luggage.  I thought is was the best idea I had heard all day.  Ella Mae was feeling much better so we drove down to the water.

I have to say that I have never been so proud of my husbands generous heart as I was that day.  He had an unexpected day off, there was a good chance we were going to lose power later that day and get hit with a now Category 3 cyclone named Zena, but he would rather go help people across the flood water then sit at home and relax.  I don't know how many people he carried tirelessly across that water, a dozen maybe more.  He also carried tools, luggage, and groceries.  In his spare time he took some kids out for fun as their house was under the flood waters and it was a nice way to lift their spirits.  I watched him row back and forth over and over again and the smile on his face said it all.  He was finding joy in serving others!  He didn't do it to be recognized or for a pat on the shoulder.  As I helped one man out of the kayak he asked me "how much he owed." Ryan and I just smiled at him, and I said, "Seriously, do you see how much fun he is having, there is NO CHARGE!  This is just a way to be helpful." The man seemed surprised that Ryan wouldn't try to make a buck on his services and that also made me think of how selfish we can be sometimes as people.

I loved that my husband had put on his LIFE Runners shirt for this great adventure.  I think this, in so many ways, embodied the spirit of LIFE Runners.  Sure, the water was only knee deep and many people chose to walk, and Ryan's service was not necessary.  But for those that took him up on a dry trip across, it was worth while to see the beaming smiles as they reached the other side.  One man had nearly a dozen full grocery bags and walking across would have been a chore, so Ryan took the bags and the man was able to squeeze into a vehicle crossing.  Others had all of their belongings in their suitcases as they had left their flooded homes making their way to a friends house to take shelter.  To be able to give them a moment of help and a smile was well worth it.  In the end I had to drag Ryan out of the water as the rain began to intensify.  I love that my daughter saw what serving others with a glad heart looks like and that being generous with our time and talent honors God.  I guess you can give a Captain the day off but its just in his blood to ferry people to where they need to go! I love Fiji, I bet there were hundreds of stories of people who helped strangers all over the country just like Ryan chose to do.

As the evening drew close everyone continued to pray that the storm would pass us by and as we went to bed we braced for the worst but hoped for the best.  What I can tell you is that God heard those prayers and answered....

"NaDraki Weather update:

The cloud structure of TC Zena began to collapse soon after dark last night as the circulation encountered strong middle and upper level winds which:

1. Pushed the larger cloud bands away to the south, and so there was not much rain to speak of after mid afternoon.

2. Weakened the convection around the center of the cyclone and therefore the winds were much weaker than expected."

Sounds to me like God took TC Zena and SHUT HER DOWN!  He didn't just send her away but he collapsed her, destroyed her.  Another cyclone after Winston and the flooding 2 days earlier would have been beyond catastrophic, and yet this storm that had been intensifying only hours earlier just disintegrated as it neared us....

Matthew 8:26-27
"Jesus responded, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.  The disciples were amazed.  "Who is this man?" they asked.  "Even the winds and waves obey him!"

The answer to that question is the same answer to who stopped TC Zena, it was by Gods hand!  I am so thankful that God cares for us!  Last night God delivered us, He protected us and I will give Him all the glory and honor! I stopped in at a local coffee shop who had this clever sign outside (unfortunately their "flood pool" had nearly dried up by the time that I took this pic).  What I love most about this sign was echoed in my conversation with the man making my coffee.  As we talked about how grateful we were that the cyclone did not he hit he added "Its like God knew Fiji had had enough." We both agree, it was purely a miracle the way a strong and strengthening cyclone simply disintegrated as it neared Fiji.  When you have a thankful heart it reflects in your ability to smile despite your troubles, or to find a way to make light of a huge flooded pond in front of your business!

As the last days of my fast wind down, I am thankful for all of the things God is showing me and teaching me.  I know that Ella Mae will continue to get better and that I just need to be patient and prayerful as I wait on Him.  I can trust Him with my burdens!  God is good all the time!

Overflow....

Sometimes God shows me that some areas of my life are falling into patterns, that my purpose may be missing in some of the things I am doing.  It's so easy to get disconnected, life gets busy, I get tired, and before I know it my focus has slipped.  I love how God gets my attention and points out an area that may have slipped by me, an area if gone unnoticed could cause a divide in my faith walk.

I noticed today that I was starting to do some things out of "obligation" as opposed to doing them out of the overflow of Gods love in my life.  There is a significant difference in doing something because you feel like you "must" instead of doing it because it comes naturally.  The way we serve as Christians has as much to do with what we do as it does with the attitude in which we serve.  When out of obligation we may begin to grumble or do things half hearted.  Although we are still doing good things we are not honoring God the way we should by our tone or attitude.  Also, the "why" of the things we do is equally important to "what" we do.  If I do something simply because I feel like I must then I won't have the same attitude of generosity as I would if I did it because I wanted to.  I want everything I do to be out of the deep desire to serve others because it has become my very nature.

I realized that my fear of failing people is sometimes a stumbling block, it can cause me to be over critical of myself and then my attitude of service gets clouded.  I need to try to always remember that God is the one I am serving, that He is the one who I am trying to honor.  My desire to serve must come from my desire to be in Gods presence.  Our salvation is not able to be bought, our redemption does not come from our service, a life lived well does not give us a pass to heaven.  Only Jesus can do that, and that is the overflow from which our lives should be lived.  His mercy, His grace should be written over everything we do.  When we love someone we do things for them out of the desire to make them happy, not to buy their love.  It is no different with our relationship with God.  He loves us truly, madly, deeply and as we grow to understand His love, our love for Him grows and our desires should be increasing to bring Him joy.  I want to make you smile Jesus!

Psalms 84:10
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!  I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.

Jesus lives in us and gives us the ability to serve with a right spirit.  He didn't just expect us to figure it out, God sent Jesus to show us the very nature of God here on earth.  Jesus literally walked the walk!  We would never have been able to fully understand the nature of God if He had not sent Jesus to model it!  Through Jesus the Word of God was manifested before our eyes and we were able to see how we are supposed to live, to love and to serve.  To truly serve and honor God we must at times reject our very nature.  Humanity thinks of itself first and others second, but Jesus thought of others first and Himself LAST!  Jesus literally died to save the one who pounded in the nails that held Him on the cross.  That is selfless love at its very purest form! To even try to live this way we must surrender our own desires and will to God and be willing to put Him ahead of everything!  This includes your your family, your actions, your goals, your desires, and yes-your sexual inclinations. When we belong to God we no longer get to live as we want, we are called to live not as the world lives, but to His standard. Our human nature is contrary to God and we have to choose who to serve, God or ourselves!

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.  We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

Many things can stand in the way of us fully and completely serving God.  Maybe its our attitude or pride, maybe its choosing our flesh over what we know God tells us is right, maybe its simply refusing to let go of things that take our focus off of God.  Not all stumbling blocks are outright sin, good things can cause us to stumble too when our priorities sit on what we want and not what God wants from us.  Daily "housecleaning" is the only way to make sure we are on the proper path, with the right attitude.  The only way to really do that gut check thoroughly is to get alone with God and give Him your attention.  He can change the grump to grace when we let Him.  Forced service becomes joyful when we let Him change our viewpoint.  God wants to pour Himself on us, and He will show you that His overflow can change an impatient heart into a long-suffering heart.  That He can make giving so much better than receiving!  I am thankful that He speaks to my heart and stands between the lies of the enemy that might cause me to feel burdened.

John 1:16
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already give.

Our God is generous! To God be the Glory!

Train Wisely

Most people wouldn't just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon.  Training for a marathon takes months of dedication and tireless training.  You start out with short distances and slowly (and wisely) train your body for the big race.  Before you run that race most likely you will try your hand at a 5K, 10K, and a half marathon.  These races are “trials” if you will.  They give you the ability to be tested and see how you handle the race setting.

Psalms 25:4-5

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.

In my experience most people, on their first race, learn a hard lesson about pacing ones self.  You get excited about the atmosphere and the seasoned runners take off at the gun and you do your best to maintain that incredible pace only to find yourself exhausted by the first mile.  This is a learning experience that prepared you for every race you will run from that point forward.  Each new distance race becomes a valuable lesson, that better prepares you for the marathon.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances.

These races are the trials, and to prepare for the races you need to train.  Our faith walk is no different.  Life is going to throw all kinds of trials at us, and if we aren’t training in between trials we will hit that wall!  Our flesh desires things that we as Christians are called to walk away from and the world is loud.  Without daily time spent one on one with God His voice gets quiet as the world gets louder.  We train for these trials by spending time alone with God in prayer, praise and study.  Trying to live your life from Sunday to Sunday without any quiet time with God is like waking up one day and running a marathon without ever having learned the discipline of running, it's crazy!

Galatians 5:24

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

We live in a broken world.  It is not how God intended it, but with that first sin came destruction to the way things should have been.  There are natural disasters, children die, loved ones get sick, there is mental illness taking hold of lives and evil spreading around the world.  This was not Gods design, but when sin entered the world it broke the world.  Not to say we are without hope, because we have much hope! God provided a way for us to spend eternity with Him through His Sons death and resurrection.  In the mean time this broken world is our temporary home and we will face trials.

Psalms 84:11

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield.  He gives us grace and glory.  The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Colossians 1:21-22

This includes you who were once far away from God.  You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions.  Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body.  As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.

When you take time out for God, He has the opportunity to encourage you and to guide you.  To open your eyes to the things that He wants to show you that help you prepare for a trial that may be coming your way.  God has all the answers, although He may not share every one with us, but He knows what He is doing none the less.  There is no answer for why loved ones get sick and die or why cyclones rip apart nations.  Sadly it is just part of the broken world we live in.  Everything does not happen for a reason, but God will get us through everything if we take hold of Him.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I used to be one of those people who didn't feel it necessary to train for anything.  I didn't train for races and I certainly didn't train my faith.  I trusted in myself when I had to face these challenges and I came up short!  You can't run a race untrained!  You may finish, but it can leave you injured and it certainly won't be the best you could have done.  You can't get through life without faith training.  It's impossible to make it through all that we face in life without God helping us.  You may think that you can do it without God, but you are missing out on so much.  You aren't living up to your potential and in the end if you don't come to God you will spend an eternity separated from Him.  God knows us intimately, He created us for a specific plan and purpose and if we don't seek Him we may miss out on things He wants to show us about ourselves.  When we are living for God, He is constantly changing us and molding us into His new creation.  We can't do that without being in a living relationship with Him!  I would never expect my marriage to thrive if Ryan and I didn't talk daily.  In fact when he is gone for extended periods, which is common for a pilot, you can feel the bit of separation of intimacy that occurs rather quickly.  It's then important to get back into communication so that we can stay connected and continue to grow with each other.  It is the same with God, we need to maintain a daily relationship to grow intimately with Him.

Psalms 16:8

I know the LORD is always with me.  I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

People are desperately searching for purpose in this life.  They feel broken and lost and they are hurting.  We have people so broken that they don't even accept their own God given gender.  We try to mask the brokenness by getting others to support us in our broken state, but there is nothing in this world that can satisfy what was meant to be filled by God.  The rise of new churches teaching that "God just wants us to be happy so we should do what we feel like doing" just shows how broken we are.  God is not so concerned with our happiness, He is concerned with our eternity and we are to be very careful of false teachings like these.  

When I found out that I couldnt bear children part of my identity broke.  Instead of finding myself in God I tried to find myself in relationships, drinking, and promiscuity.  Nothing filled that void.  I even altered my body attempting to make myself more attractive since my empty womb left me feeling like nothing and doubting that any decent man would ever want me.  I regret the way I tried to change myself instead of letting God show me who I was.  I hurt over the things I did trying to feel like a whole person.  I hate the ways I harmed myself and others with this self destructive behavior.  It wasn't until I let God fill the hole that was in me that I finally felt complete.  I didn't need to get drunk to feel complete, I got drunk to numb the emptiness, but God made me feel complete.  I had sex to feel accepted, only I felt more worthless after, but God made me feel desired.  I lashed out in anger because of the deep sorrow I secretly faced, but God responded with gentle love.  These wounds that we carry as part of this broken world cannot be filled by money, success, sex, relationships or any other earthly thing.  God is meant to fill them, and the only way He can do that is to get really personal with us.  He gets personal with us when we take the time to get in a place of worship and prayer and one on one with Him.  You can't prepare for the trial if you don't take the time to train!

Colossians 1:17

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Revelation 21:4

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Meet with God every day and watch how those trials get easier to navigate.  You're still going to have that one "race" every now and then that really kicks your butt!  If you are spending time with the LORD every day then it will be something you grow from, not something that beats you!  Our final destination is not of this world, we are just passing through.  We need to prepare for eternity and God will show the way!

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The Eye of the Storm

As I sit here staring at the computer screen I just don't know where to begin.  For the past few days I have been reflecting on what we just went through and I knew that writing about it was going to be a challenge, mostly because its impossible to put into words the experience we just had.  I have to try though, I need to write down the emotions of the day, the experience so that I never forget what it feels like right now, to be grateful for everything and to have your emotions so raw that nothing holds back the intermittent tears for those who faced so much worse....





On February 20, 2016 a tropical Cyclone named Winston came to Fiji.  This powerful storm was a Category 5 cyclone and has been rated as the 2nd strongest cyclone to ever make landfall (based on wind speed).  Winston took 2 shots at us prior to February 20th but both times it missed us, so I think by the 3rd time it was hard to take the storm too seriously, sadly that would probably be the downfall for some.  Winston came at us the 3rd time and things got really scary really fast.  The cyclone hit Nadi area around 8pm, at least that's when we really started to feel it, that was also when the power went out.  This storm coupled with the darkness of night made it all the more terrifying.  We had stocked up on supplies, we had prepared, but nothing can prepare you for your first cyclone.  With no power and the winds raging outside we put Ella Mae to sleep in our bedroom so we could all stay close.  The storm shutters were up on most windows but our bedroom window opposite our bed has bars for protection so I could see outside.  Our giant trees were bending like twigs whipping back and forth violently.  It was terrifying that at any moment one could crash into the roof exposing us all.  I laid in bed wide awake, my heart pounding in my chest as the freight train roared by.  The storm was so unbelievable loud, and it is indescribable.  For the first time in my life I knew that there was no way to protect my family, that I had to have faith.  We live on the second floor of a sturdy brick house and that is such a blessing, but with winds nearing 200mph the roof could be ripped off at any time.  I prayed through the night, and God comforted me.

We have a covered porch that wraps around two sides of our house and an enclosed stairwell that is somewhat protected from the elements.  We love our fur family, and I was already struggling with knowing my horse was braving the elements on the side of a hill and now we had Treasure to deal with.  Treasure is an outdoor dog, she lives outside and only comes in for short periods when we are watching her every move.  She is still a puppy so she loves to destroy things like shoes and toys.  With the storm on our doorstep Ryan felt that she would be well protected in the stairwell, I completely disagreed.  We tried bringing her inside and locking her in the bathroom area but she barked constantly and was way to worked up.  My heart was heavy taking her back outside, so I went out with her.  In hindsight this was stupid, I could have been hurt by flying debris, but I felt horrible for keeping her outside.  The winds were like nothing I could even explain, they were so strong they made walking nearly impossible.  Finally Ryan came out and sat with her so I could take a break.  He came in after sitting with her for about a half an hour.  Ryan is good at latching onto peace, he doesn't panic, and so he went to bed.  He did admit the next day that the whole thing was very scary.  I, on the other hand, was not going to be sleeping, I just couldn't!  My dog was outside, my horse was outside, and this storm was a danger to everyone in its path!  I worried for my friends, for strangers, for those who had no safe place to be.

About two hours into the storm I made my rounds through the dark house to find flood waters flowing in from the ceiling in our dining room and living room and spraying in through the door and windows.  The wind was so strong it was driving rain in through every nook and cranny by sheer force!  I woke Ryan and we laid down towels in front of the door and tried to contain the waters.  We moved all of the furniture out of the way from the flow of water coming in through our ceiling.  Now I was worried that we really might lose our roof in these tremendous winds!  My heart was racing again as I began looking out the windows trying to figure out what part of the deck Treasure was on.  I found her by our kitchen where she was less protected but still safe.  My heart was breaking, I felt terrible for her but I didn't know what to do.  I lay back down in bed lifting more prayers up to God as I watched the trees continue to bend to the will of the wind.  There wind was deafening!  I read my bible and kept checking for cell service so I could send an update to worried friends and family but the cell service had been down since the power went out and I was unable to reach out to them.

Every half hour I would get up and make my rounds through the house checking the leaks and making sure that everything was secure.  Finally I couldn't take anymore.  I was way to worried about Treasure and I opened the door that nearly tore from my hands and screamed for my dog over the roar she came tearing up from the stairwell, wet but happy to see me!  I settled her in barricaded between the wall and the bed next to Ryan and my wet pup laid down and went to sleep.  The storm was screaming now, but I had at least the part of my family in doors that I could have so I tried to sleep.  The storm raged on us for about 8 hours, the emotions that I feel just thinking about it bring a lump to my throat.  I'm so happy that my sweet baby girl was oblivious to the danger.  I'm so thankful that God gave me enough peace to do what I needed to do.  I'm thankful for a husband who is the calm to my freak out.  I'm so thankful that God kept us safe.

The next day we finally got cell service and were able to reach out to those we loved and let them know we were OK.  We eventually got through to local friends either on the phone or through FaceBook, and it was a relief as they one by one checked in safe and sound.  I was delighted to hear that not only did the staff of Aviva Farms make it through OK, but so did my beloved horse!  I have not been able to get out to him yet, but I know he is in good hands.  Although the threat of floods remained the storm had passed and people could begin to piece together their lives.  That was the most terrifying night of my life, I pray I never experience anything like that again.  I am so thankful for everything!





We were without power for a few days but the kindness of our neighbors solved that problem.  They had a generator and they sent up a power line so we could at least have some light and a way to charge devices.  What a blessing!  As Nadi limped back to life you saw the hope and the smiles in all of the faces, thankful for what they had, thankful for their lives.  Everyone was extra generous with their "bula" greetings and you could feel the community coming together.  Ryan began to clean up the mess of a yard we have, and life began to move on.  Stores opened on generator power and eventually the power was restored to our neighborhood.  I was telling Ryan that a branch had broken and was obstructing the ability to use our clothes line, and our awesome neighbors heard us.  Without a word they climbed the tree and began to chop down the trouble branches with a machete.  The sense of community filled me with pride!  These beautiful Fijian people were glad to help a foreigner in their country without even being asked.  Our neighbors showed us what Fiji is made of, friendship and generosity!

It was so scary, I just can't say that enough, and yet I felt humbled as the village stories began to roll in.  The death toll that is now over 29 was as heartbreaking as the stories that went with.  A father who attempted to carry his 10 month old baby boy across flood waters while his wife was washed away who then lost the baby.  Now they must face life without their precious child.  The family who lost their son trapped by a fallen tree who bravely told them to leave him and find safety.  The women of a village who ran from one shelter to the next only to have roof after roof ripped off and in the end using their bodies to shield new born babies from the elements, fighting for their lives.  The stories keep coming in, each one more devastating then the last.  I know how scary this was for me and I was in a sturdy strong shelter.  I almost feel I have lost the right to say it was scary, I don't know what scary is, I don't know what it was like for these brave people exposed to the raging storm.  I thank God that he protected us and my heart breaks for those who lost everything!  There are two houses just up the road from us that both lost their roofs.  Every time I drive by I get choked up thinking about how scary their story must be, what trauma they have been through.  I wish I could fix it for everyone.  I think the most beautiful thing I heard in it all was the couple who lost their baby said they drew comfort from knowing that he was in a better place, they found solace knowing their baby was with God.

In a deep desire to do something, to help somehow I felt led to hold a virtual 5K race and rally for all who took part to make donations to help the people of Fiji rebuild.  I am so thankful for LIFE Runners who has allowed the race funds to be gathered through them and sent to the Fiji government account.  I am thankful for faithful teammates who are answering the call and needs of those who are recovering from this disaster!  I am most thankful to God who will continue to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who have need.  It is beautiful to see the world spring into action to help the beautiful people of Fiji!

If you are a runner and want to take part in our virtual "Cat 5K" please visit our FaceBook page for event details.
https://www.facebook.com/events/1109789175722442/