Running Uphill

Easter Sunday was the end of my fast and so I woke up early, spent time in prayer and then decided to take a run before my family got up.  Running and cycling is my time alone with God.  That is my one on one time with Him without distraction. As much as I don't really enjoy running I love the time it gives me alone with Him in prayer and praise.  God definitely uses my running and cycling as a time to minister to me.

I live on a 1.2 mile circle and it is perfect for training because it has plenty of gentle ups and downs, but when you leave my driveway the first part is the hill.  I normally run in the direction that lets me run down the hill because its long and its hard and I really don't like running uphill!  As I stopped at the end of my driveway I felt the urge to go the opposite way, to turn right and run up the hill.  I didn't entertain the idea because that meant I would run up that hill 3 times and that seemed like a lot of work.  I had not run this week so I turned left and headed on my run.

At about the second mile my knee started to get tender which is always very frustrating for me because physically my heart and lungs can take on just about anything I ask them to but when my knee starts to hurt and then lock up no amount of will power can push me forward.  I was at the bottom of the hill and I was praying and I felt God say, turn around, run the other way.  Again I said "no thanks God, that is going to be way too hard, I'm nearing the end and I'm tired."  I kept running and was in the last half mile again going down the hill my knee screaming and God said a bit louder, "TURN AROUND!"  He didn't say stop, He didn't say give up, He said turn around and run up hill!  I stopped, turned around, and ran up that hill.

The instant I began running up the hill the pain began to diminish.  Yes, it was harder for the rest of my body, my lungs and heart had to work harder but my knee didn't hurt nearly at all.  I was able to finish running my 3 miles all because I listened to God and took the hard path.  God knew all along that if I listened to Him and ran up that hill that not only would it not hurt my knee but it would make me stronger!

There is so much to see in this illustration and it was a perfect message for some decisions that we as a family are trying to make right now about our future and where God wants us.  Its so easy to turn and take the "easy" road, its not scary it looks simple and for the start it can be simple.  Then over time that easy road begins to cause you pain, you are not going the way God wants you to go and He wants you to go a certain way for a reason.  The easy path could be calling it quits in the 11th hour even when God is asking you to hang on, or quitting a job just before the fruits of your labor begin to show.  The easy path could be doing nothing when you see someone on the path of destruction because "its not really your problem" or not reaching out a hand to help someone because you are too busy.  The easy path could be remaining silent while innocent children are killed in the womb and lives are destroyed by abortion because you are too scared to face opposition.  The easy path could be direct disobedience to something that God has laid on your heart, that you choose to defy and continue to make sinful choices.  The easy path more often than not leads to pain and injury.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when you choose the easy path, the path contrary to the one God has asked you to follow there is no blessing to be had, and God wants to bless us all.  Easy often seems safe and comfortable, but its also a place of lost dreams and broken futures.  He calls us to trust in Him in trials and to lean on Him when we just don't understand.  He will never leave us or forsake us, He loves us too much to do that.

Making the choice to take the hard road, the scary road, is huge.  Its one giant leap into the unknown much of the time, but don't you know that He will be there to catch you.  Often if we are honest with ourselves the pain, the hurt the struggles, most of the time stem from taking the easy path, the flesh path, the path of sin and destruction.  I know, I've chosen that path far more times than I can count.  It led to pain and regret.  But when I finally gave up all my "fight" and trusted God and turned onto His path I was filled with Victory and Hope.  We face trials in life, all of us do, but these trials are meant to refine us, to grow us, to teach us and make us stronger.  Often after you come to the end of a trial you can see just how much it changed you, many times all of the pieces fall into place and we get a glimpse of what God was trying to accomplish with our faithfulness.

Romans 5:3-5
And not only that , but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed

The path is in front of you, which way will you turn today....

Grace Filled Easter

This has been a powerful week, well powerful actually doesn't even scratch the surface, but for lack of a better word we will go with powerful.  I have been online so much for the last 40 days with posting pictures and updates for LIFE Runners and the A-Cross America Relay that on Sunday, the final day of this epic Pro-Life journey I felt God call me to begin a fast until Easter.  This is only the second time I have ever fasted, and God laid specific areas on my heart to seek his will over.  These areas were residual bondage from my past and I had been wrestling with them.  I submitted to God and I began my fast and sought his face on these issues.

Amazing, Powerful, Almighty, Grace filled, Loving, Forgiving, Kind hearted, FAITHFUL!  God answered me in ways I never imagined.  He showed me things that I had not even been able to see in my own blind sightedness and He called me to submit to Him fully.  It was terrifying to finally surrender and say "I trust you completely even though the road ahead looks scary, I know you have me in your hands and I surrender to your will."  The PEACE that followed me finally submitting fully to Him was unexplainable and then I allowed the Holy Spirit to do spring cleaning on my heart and soul and through complete faith and obedience every stronghold was broken.  I was completely set free and the weight of the world was lifted from me.  I could write pages of all the amazing ways that God has ministered to me this week, all the things He has showed me about myself and all of the things He has allowed others to show me about myself.  Brand new doesn't even explain how I feel.  I am more than brand new, I am a completely different person.  This week I faced my past, I finally gave it fully over to God, I accepted the forgiveness that He has given me, I forgave myself and together God and I closed the door and locked it.  I handed God the key and I took that first step forward into the next chapter of His will over my life.  I am so thankful for my Mom who spent much time in conversation and prayer with me helping me to work through things and helping me to accept the forgiveness that God has given me.  This week I have had faithful prayer partners who have revealed to me how they see me, and now I have a glimpse of what I look like to God, never before had I been able to view myself that way.  God surrounded me, literally engulfed me this week and gave me the sanctuary in Him and in His word and His will.  Yesterday as I drove through town I followed a car with a Christian fish on it and as I returned home I followed another car with the same fish.  It was as if He was reminding me that He was near and that He has big plans for my family that nothing will stand in the way of.  He ignited a new desire for ministry and the calling He has planned for our family.  Although it has not all been revealed I have so much hope in Him.

So today as I was at the bank the woman wished me "a nice weekend" and I said back "have a Happy Easter."  It was in that very moment that I realized that "Happy Easter" doesn't even come close to giving reverence to what Easter is.  "Have a Grace filled Easter" or "A blessed Easter" are maybe a little bit closer but honestly if you have ever been touched by Grace-true, deep, loving, forgiving, embracing Grace then you are aware that Easter is so much more than we often admit it is.

Christ died on the cross. He didn't just die, He came to us an innocent man, the son of God who was brutally beaten and then crucified all for our salvation.  He died for our sins, for those nailing him to the cross, for those sneering while they watched, for those enjoying his suffering, He died for you and for me and NONE of us deserve the sacrifice He made.  It is a free gift, it can't be earned, you can't buy it, nothing you could do could make you deserving of this gift of Grace.  Christ died, but then He broke the power of death and was resurrected on the 3rd day. He ascended into Heaven to be with the Father where He intercedes on our behalf.  You, me, everyone we know can have this free gift of salvation that Christ paid the price for on the cross by simply accepting it!  Its as easy as ABC, A-we first admit that we are sinners, B-believe in our heart that Jesus is God's one and only Son, C-confess before God and man what we believe in our heart.

Romans 10:9-10
that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Its easy to take things for granted, but this week has reignited my passion for His purpose over my life and my family.  His Grace has changed me and I don't want anyone to waste one more day hurting or drowning in regret when I know that Grace is right there waiting to deliver us all from our suffering.  I love how Max Lucado puts it in "Facing your giants" he says "Cast your hat in a congregation of folks who are one gift of grace removed from tragedy, addiction, and disaster."  We are the body of Christ, not perfect by any means, just redeemed.  We have been set free from our broken pasts, our sinful choices, our pit of despair all because God loved us so much He made the ultimate sacrifice.  On this Easter I hope that everyone finds the Grace that God is extending....

John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Grace.....

The theme this year has been Grace, and when I say theme I don't mean in any way to minimize what a powerful thing Grace is.  Our church has been studying Galatians this year and I have a new deep understanding of Grace that I am only now starting to grasp.  Many of my devotionals seem to be focused on Grace and even friends who attend other churches seem to be talking about Grace.

What I find most interesting is that I have been going to church my whole life and never has the subject of Grace sunk in like it is now.  I love that when we are seeking God and searching the scriptures that reading a passage that might have meant very little the last time you read it comes to life this time around.  At the beginning of this year I prayed and fasted that God would give me a deeper desire for the word and has he ever!

I honestly feel like I am a brand new creation, a baby Christian if you will.  Although the first time I asked the Lord into my heart was at a young age, my 20's proved that I hadn't let much of what I had heard sink deep into my heart.  No reason to go back down that old road again but honestly I believe that my new life with God, my marriage, and my journey as a parent all began that moment in February of 2009 when I walked away from my old life and moved to India and let God make the changes in me that so desperately needed to be changed.  I have spent too many years looking back at my past and not at all focused on what is ahead and now that is over.  My past is gone, my slate wiped clean, I am a new creation through the shed blood of Jesus.  No longer do the sins of my past have a hold on me, no longer will I dwell in things that I cannot change, no longer will I let them keep me from Gods purpose in my life.  Forward, that is the only direction I will look until God tells me otherwise.

So this is why Grace has been so profound this year for me.  Part of letting your past go and accepting that God has forgiven you is accepting Grace, and sometimes that is so much easier said than done.  I found myself in this flesh struggle where I accepted that God had forgiven me, but would then go on beating myself up that I needed to do more to make it right.  The fact of the matter is that Gods forgiveness is undeserved and yet given to us freely.  That is because there is nothing we could ever do to erase the sins of our past on our own, but Jesus took them to the cross for us and defeated them.  So when I try to add to His grace by saying I need to do more I am not accepting His Grace in Faith that it is all I need to do.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.

Jesus is the only way, he is our Salvation if we will just give our hearts to Him.  Bring it all to Him, confess to Him your sins, ask Him to forgive you, let Him change you.  Accept His Grace!

There is something amazingly powerful that happens when you finally accept Grace, your heart changes.  You aren't trying to do things to makeup for anything, you are doing things because you want to honor God for what He has done for you and you want everyone to know that this Grace is out there waiting for them.  I don't want one more person to believe they are too far gone for Grace, or that they can't have it because they have to much baggage.  It is a free gift from God to us all and all you have to do is take it, accept it, and let it change you.

This world can be so very hard, it can be dark and scary at times, but that is only because there is nothing here for us.  God wants us reconciled to Him, for us to desire Him the way most people desire things of the world.  If you can make Him the center of your desires it is amazing how fast the flesh falls away.  That new shiny car isn't so pretty, that dream house you honestly can't afford is not desirable, all the money in the world cannot compare to what He has in store for your life.  I know, I've been there, I've been sucked in by my flesh, deceived by worldly desires and those things ate me alive, they left me empty and broken.  God however filled me so full that when I feel like I just can't go on I turn to Him and he gives me more than I ask for. He gives me purpose and desire to serve an honor him.  He gives me hope and a future worth living.  Nothing of this world can outshine Him.

John 1:4-5
In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Wait

There are days when it would be so easy to put my will in front of God's, and that is the struggle isn't it.  Right now God is asking my family to trust Him and to wait on His timing, and He isn't just letting us sit in a nice comfy waiting room.  We are in the midst of a storm, it's getting heavy and exhausting and it would be so easy to give up, and that is how faith grows.  Even now as the struggle grows He continues to shower me with encouragement, He isn't just leaving us to weather the storm alone.

Sure, some days I would really like the trials to stop, but then again maybe I wouldn't.  I don't live by what the world expects from me, not by its standards.  We've decided to trust in God and to follow His will for our life and that means most of the time the decisions my family makes make no sense to the world.  Most importantly I am trying to learn to praise Him in the storm.  That can be very hard, but I want to be thankful for what I have even when times are hard, because God always provides.

When our faith is put to the fire the imperfections are brought out and we are refined.  Too many times in my past I have given up right before the answer came, and so I am trying to learn to stand in faith beyond the 11th hour.  I certainly have not mastered it, and that is why I am writing this, because I am hoping that I will really put these thoughts into action today.  Instead of getting upset over a closed door I will wait patiently for a window to open.  What if the window doesn't open? Well then I know that God will carry us until the time is right for the change he has planned.  I can only see the very small picture, he is the architect looking down on the masterpiece.  Who am I to question what he has already seen into completion.

So today I will draw strength in knowing that I am deeply loved by my Heavenly Father and that He desires great things for my life and I will praise him because He is good and His will is perfect.

And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Easter Miracles

As Easter nears again my mind is brought back to the amazing miracles that God performed in my life beginning only a few short years ago.

Once Upon a time I had a dream of being a mommy.  That dream at one point seemed lost, and then God made me a promise.  As time passed I started to doubt that promise, and then forget that promise.  My heart hurt, my world was broken, and I had strayed far from my Heavenly Father.  I was lost and wandering, drowning in my own sinful choices, broken, angry, and hurting.  Then He held His hand out to me and asked me to turn my back on the sinful choices I was making and to trust Him again.  As I put my trust in God he began to heal me, He used the mess of my past to teach me of the hope in His future and so I accepted His Grace, and trusted Him.

It was in that time that God brought about completion to His promise and started me on the amazing journey to motherhood.  That Easter Sunday morning nearly 5 years ago He reminded me of His promise, a few months later He blessed me with a pregnancy of not just one beautiful baby but 2.  Although Ella Mae's sweet twin passed away too soon, I still feel blessed that I was the mother of 2 for a short time.  Nearly 4 years ago I gave birth to the most beautiful, amazing, perfect, miracle and she has blessed every moment of my life since.

From lost and broken, to redeemed and blessed there is no point in my life where I can't see Gods hand at work.  I understand the need to offer forgiveness freely because I have needed great forgiveness in my life.  I understand the need to share love and compassion to the broken because I have needed it shown to me.  I do not cast judgement because we are all fallen, we are all sinners and we all need Christ redeeming love, I do not however support people to continue down the path of destruction because I know that there is a better way, a way of hope and life.  Thank you God that you never give up on me, that you never lead me where you can't help me and your voice is always near.

I am a sinner of all sorts, there is not a sin that I haven't had a piece of in my life at some point and for that I confess openly to you Father and ask your forgiveness.  I thank you that my past is gone and that you dwell in me from now until eternity, I have been saved by the shed blood of Jesus, saved alone by His amazing Grace.  We have no hope without Christ, there is no way that we alone are able to live up to the standard that has been set.  That is why God sent His son to pay our ransom, to live a perfect life as man, to never sin, to be put to death for our sin as the atoning sacrifice, and to rise again defeating death and sin.  He is the way, the truth, and the light, and there is no salvation without Him.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;  he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145:18-19)

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (2 Chronicles 7:14)

Amazing Grace Filled Day

I woke up this morning and realized that for the first time in months I was able to sleep through the night without interruption.  In the past 24 hours God has provided for every single need I have laid at His feet, and I am so thankful that He chose yesterday to shower me with blessings.

Yesterday I went for a run, I wanted to spend some time alone with God in a way that I only seem to accomplish while running or cycling and so I set out.  There was nothing about the run that was too unusual but I felt in a funk and didn't feel like pushing forward.  I prayed and God got me through but at one point in my run my text message went off, although I didn't check it I would later find out that God was clearly listening to my requests for help.  I managed to run the whole 3 miles without giving up and as I got into my car I checked my message and the simple words brought tears to my eyes. "Speak Life. Praying for you and that song came on speak life."  My friend Anna and I have songs for each other and when we hear the song it is a reminder to pray right then for each other and let each other know that we are praying.  So far God has used this long distance method to help us pray for one another in times of need, its powerful to see God speak to us about others needs and to answer by faithfully praying.  Thank you Anna for not ignoring that moment, thank you God for using my friend to give me encouragement and for reminding me that you care for me, even the little stuff matters!

Later in the day I was feeling overwhelmed.  I had spent some time with a talking and praying with a friend and I came home under attack, it was a very good time of talk and prayer, but that of course is when the enemy likes to attack.  Ella Mae cried the whole ride home for no reason and I barely walked through the door before Ryan and I had a little argument.  As I began to let the bad mood win the battle God put Anna's status before my eyes it read "Have you ever felt like you aren't strong enough to handle what you are going through in life?  And you wonder, "Why God?"  Maybe God is waiting for you to say to Him, "I'm not strong enough! I need your help." He's promised to help us in times of trouble, he's promised to never leave or forsake us, he's promised to never give us more than we can handle.  And with God, you can handle more than you realize, and do more with His help than on your own."  This was confirmation of everything my friend and I had been talking about earlier that day and it was a reminder to me that God had my back and that I didn't need to let satan take this day from me.  Praise God, another answered prayer.

Throughout the day every time discouragement would sneak in he put something before my eyes to remind me he was near or to just make me smile and it didn't stop.  As I put EM to bed she began crying for no reason, or so I thought, and I responded in frustration.  Then as I began to read her devotional I was stopped dead in my tracks.  It was about thinking before you speak because your words can wound, and of course I know this because my biggest prayer this year has been that I will "Speak Life."  At that humbling moment I picked up my still emotional daughter and asked her, "why are you crying?" At first she gave me her usual response of nothing but then she sobbed even more and admitted "I miss Daddy."  My heart crumbled and I cuddled her close and told her that he would be home in the morning and that I was here and wouldn't leave her.  I told her that I was sorry that I had been stern with her and asked her forgiveness.  I then continued to read her devotional to her explaining that Mommy had not though before she spoke and why this was so important.  God corrected my path, he got my attention and I was able to help Ella Mae feel better and teach her truly about thinking before speaking and about asking forgiveness when we mess up.

As I prayed over her I prayed that we would both get a full night of rest and then I went to bed and read my bible for awhile.  I began to cry as verse after verse were loving words from Heaven that God wanted me to hear.

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom.  To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (2 Timothy 4:18)

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.  Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:4-5)

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.  (Psalm 145:18-19)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Thank you God for your love, for your forgiveness, for your faithfulness.  I pray that you will guide my every step, lead me on the path you desire for me.  Correct me when I go the wrong way and lead me back to you.  I pray that you will continue to refine me, that you will reduce me until there is only you. 

A Special Child to Call our Own

Some days I struggle with my infertility, but most days I see it as an amazing gift from God.  Ella Mae could have only ever been Ella Mae due to our circumstances and I would not trade her for being fertile, not even for one second.  Through my infertility God has taught me amazing things, first and foremost what a miracle looks like, Ella Mae is such an amazing miracle. Second, to value every human life (born and unborn), and thirdly a heart of thankfulness that He cares deeply about what our hearts desire and although the answer isn't always in the form we seek it is a exactly what we need.

Today is one of the "hard" days, a day where I long to bring home a baby, a little miracle to add joy to our already joyful family.  A brother or sister to bless and be blessed by Ella Mae, who will be the greatest big sister ever.  I want to give another piece of my heart away to a precious gift from God that may not come from my womb as Ella Mae did, but will be as much mine as she is.  To see Ryan run and play with his children and teach then what a man of God looks like as he does every day with our daughter.

Last summer during one of my 35 mile bike rides in the hills as I rode with my LIFE Runners gear on to raise awareness for the precious unborn, God and I began a conversation and in that precious time of prayer he laid on my heart that he had a down syndrome baby planned for us.  That there would be a woman who would choose life for her baby but would be unable to raise her baby and would trust the precious gift of life into our family.  When I was 17 God promised me I would carry a baby and now that beautiful girl is nearly 4, so when God lays something on my heart I listen.  I don't know when this beautiful child will come into our lives, but I know my heart longs to meet and love this child with a mothers heart.

Every time I see a picture of a child with down syndrome my heart skips a beat.  I know that God must have a lot of faith in me because I never imagined being the parent of a special needs child and the challenges that come with.  I am under no illusions that their won't be challenges but if God thinks we are able then I know we are.  I also know that every child brings joy, love, and their own special gift into a family.  On average 9 out of 10 babies diagnosed with down syndrome while in the womb are aborted, that breaks my heart.  My prayer is that more mothers facing a down syndrome diagnosis will choose life and if they are not able to raise their child that they will seek a family like mine, there are many of us, who would consider a child with down syndrome a blessing sent from God.

For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
(Psalms 139:13-14)