Dear Ryan

To my amazing husband,

This morning I woke up to my alarm set early for a long run.  You rolled over and wrapped your arm around me and I stopped and took a moment to just be in your presence.  You were still asleep and the first light of the morning was coming through the windows and i could see the outline of your handsome face and it made me smile.  You are mine, not just for today, but for this lifetime.  God chose you for me and I cant imagined being blessed in a bigger way then to have you as my partner in this life.

I got up and went for my run, not thinking too much about what you had to give up for me to have this run.  You have blessed me with so many early mornings so that I can run.  You never complain, never once.  In nearly two solid years of me leaving you to get Ella Mae ready for school, sometimes three times a week, you have never given me even a hint that you are frustrated by my need for these mornings.  That's just it, my love, you sacrifice and you do it with that big teddy bear heart that made me fall in love with you.  Not that getting Ella Mae ready is a sacrifice, but you give up that rest, the rest you may need, the rest you most certainly deserve and you do it as an act of love towards me.

I think it's time for me to tell you just what I think of you...

Today after you left for work I ran to the store to get the few things we didn't have time to get on our errand run earlier this morning.  I saw your plane fly overhead and I thought of the terribly long work day you had in front of you.  Then as I arrived home I got a text from you letting me down easy that date night would have to be rescheduled because they threw in another long night shift on Friday. This got me to thinking.  I want to say THANK YOU!  How many days do you run errands with me before you have to go work a six sector day?  All the time!  I know that you would much rather relax at home then run all over Fiji with me, but you do it because you know that deep down I really want you to spend that time with me.  Its the same thing with the early morning runs or the other times that you put my needs so far in front of what you may want or need.  I will never forget when you came out to run the last 10k of my marathon with me just so I would not give up, it was hot and the run was not easy but you didn't want to let me down so you pushed through. How many times have you walked through the door after a hard long day and I immediately ask for you to do something and you just jump right in.  I could go on and on because you are always doing things to show your love for your family.  I've been so selfish! I'm so sorry that I haven't always concerned myself with what you needed in those moments.  What I find truly incredible is no matter what you need you never put it in front of what Ella Mae and I need, NEVER! I want you to know that I see these things, they are being stored up in my heart and they make a big difference to me.  I also want to make you a promise.

In a time when the new feminist norm is to tell men they aren't anything special, or they are unnecessary I want you to know that you are INCREDIBLE!  You are the most amazing man I have ever met.  I don't just love you, my husband, I want to honor you!  I love that you are the head of this household.  You aren't nobody, you are irreplaceable!  Don't think I don't know the sacrifices you have made for us.  I know that you could be flying long haul and sacrificing time away from your family to further your career, but you choose us.  I know that you could be jet rated right now, living the pilot dream, but again you put family before everything.  I would follow you to the ends of the earth (does India count, if so I already have).  I trust your judgment and I respect your authority as the head of this house.  You show more tenderness with our daughter then I could have ever hoped for.  You are the most loving and amazing Daddy and that is an unbelievable blessing in a time where absentee dads seem to be everywhere (or nowhere at all).  I see you, I hear you, and I love you.  You put up with a whole new brand of crazy by being married to me, and yet you always come back with a gentle heart.  You try your best to understand me and to be sensitive about what I need even when I don't know what I need.

You my love are invaluable, irreplaceable, and vital to Ella Mae and I. You are a true man of God.  You represent Him in your words and actions.  You put our ministry ahead of your needs and you never short God when it comes to giving Him back what is rightfully His.  You lead by example and that has taught Ella Mae the importance of tithing, honoring God, and being obedient.  I don't worry about who Ella Mae will marry because if he is anything like her Daddy he will be an amazing husband.  Thank you for filling this home with laughter, for always forgiving and for loving me even when I am unlovable.  I promise to never stop fighting for our marriage, to never stop being your biggest cheerleader, and to love you until my last breath.  You are a gift from God and that I am fully aware of.  From the depth of my heart, I love you and I will continue to love you long after youth has left us because I am asking God to teach me to love you with covenant love.  The kind of love that is not inspired by feelings but comes from His amazing overflow.  The kind of love that cannot be broken because it is a promise, it is a commandment, and it never runs dry.

Love,
Your wife

Heavenly Hugs

This morning at church as we spent our time in praise and worship I prayed that God would help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not let my mind to wander.  In a study that I have been doing by Max Lucado called "A love Worth Giving" he had a great illustration about guarding our minds.  The idea was that we are a ship and we choose what we let on board, we can stop things at the dock and not let them taint our ship.  My mind wanders, a lot, so I have used this ship illustration every time a condemning, harmful, sinful, or wrong thought tries to enter my mind.  I pray that the Holy Spirit is the "gatekeeper" and that these thoughts are rejected before they even have a chance to come on board.  This morning I closed my eyes, envisioned the Trinity and myself coming aboard my ship and pushing back into the great wide ocean.  Then something very incredible happened, my worship changed.

This morning, with eyes closed and heart abandoned Jesus came close to me, He wrapped His arms around me and He hugged me in a way that makes you forget the whole world.  For those moments I was embraced by Him, my head rested on His chest, His cheek pressed against my forehead, His arms wrapped around my waist holding me tight.  You know those hugs that make everything better, that make all fear, doubt, and sorrow just disappear?  Well that is how Jesus hugged me today.  Instead of my mind wandering my focus was on how intimately close He was to me.  The embrace of a loving Father, the comfort of a precious friend, the love that can not be shaken.  I don't know if I sang the words to the songs, but I do know that Jesus rocked me in His arms and that for a moment He spoke to me of all of the rejection I have felt over my life.  In my heart He showed me that His love for me is so amazingly deep and complete, that He just wants to hold me and love on me.  That He doesn't reject me and that nothing can take His great love from me.  In his arms I cannot be snatched away, He claims me, I am His.

John 10:29
My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.

Sometimes I hear people speak of an unloving, distant god who sits in heaven with his back turned on humanity, or a god that simply cant be reached but should be feared.  These gods are not real because God is intimately involved in our life and He wants to be as close to us as possible.  He doesn't sit in Heaven looking down on us in disappointment and judgment.  He reaches for us, He chases after us, and Jesus loved us so much that he left the comforts of Heaven to walk this earth with us, to die on the cross for us and be raised from the dead paying the final debt for our sins.  Jesus embraces us, He loves us and forgives us because He can't imagine life without us.  I have heard people say "but why would you want to serve a god who you are commanded to fear?"  Well the truth is that this commandment to fear is not fear at all, it is respect and reverence.  God deserves and commands our respect, but fear is for those who do not yet know Him.  God does not give us a spirit of fear. Draw near to Him and be filled with His love!

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

If you are feeling far from God, if you are feeling rejected in this hard world maybe its time to close your eyes and ask Jesus to come near.  He wants to, He really does.  Ask Him to hold you, to comfort you, and then let yourself be held.  Let go and let God shower you in His embrace.  You wont regret it, when Gods love overflows on us, it changes everything!  We can all use a fresh anointing, and the Holy Spirit is waiting for you to ask.....

John 14:14
You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Cyclone No More!

I think we have solid choices in this life, we can be buried by the struggle or we can fight our way through never giving up!  This week I had to make that choice, and boy were there moments when it almost buried me.  Fact is the weeks not over and we are not in the clear just yet, but I have decided that I refuse to stop fighting!  God gives me the strength and that is where I put my hope, in God!

Last Monday Ella Mae started having a mysterious tummy ache, with no other symptoms.  We waited a couple of days because there are so many viruses and infections all over Fiji right now that there was no cause to race in for treatment because it was not in the appendix region, she had no fever, and wasn't terribly bothered by it.  By Thursday she had lost her appetite and other then the continuing low stomach discomfort there were still no other symptoms.  It was time to visit the doctor as we couldn't ignore the fact that it wasn't getting better and she was now no longer interested in eating.  The doctor confirmed that it was not anything dangerous, such as appendicitis, and decided to treat her for constipation since the pain appeared to be intermittent lower intestinal cramping.  He told us to give it 3 days and if it wasn't better we needed to come back.  Fast forward to Saturday and she was miserable, still no symptoms other then this intermittent cramping, but it just wasn't getting better.  We also had a new problem, a line of storms (potential cyclones) were headed for Fiji and it was uncertain if any doctor office would even be open on Monday when we had an appointment with our doctor.  I called our doctor and he told us to increase the laxative and we would have to wait and see what the storms did.

At this point Ella Mae's spirit was defeated.  She was scared that her tummy would never feel better, that she would never feel good again.  My heart broke with every tear she cried, I wanted to promise her that it would go away, but honestly I was starting to wonder.  We gathered as a family and sent out prayer requests to our friends all over the world and Ryan and I laid hands on her and prayed.  It was almost immediately that she had relief from her symptoms and she felt good for the rest of the night.  We were so thankful that God gave her relief and it restored my hope!  Sunday was a day of on and off again cramping and we planned to see her doctor on Monday to consider new treatment options.  I dreaded the weather reports as they came in painting a concerning picture for the week ahead.

Monday we woke up and I called the clinic and they were open so we decided to head there in spite of the torrential downpour going on.  We didn't make it half way before the overwhelming reality hit, Nadi was flooding and we needed to get back home right away!  With tears in my eyes I told Ella Mae we couldn't make it, that we needed to go home and she would have to wait to see a doctor.  It was a completely defeated moment, I felt like I was failing her!  That brave little daughter of mine looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and put on a brave smile and said, "it's OK Mom, it doesn't hurt that bad."

We grabbed some quick supplies and made our way home, the water rising quickly at every bridge and across our road.  Ryan was flying and I had no idea what this storm was about to do.  TD15F was catastrophic for our little island paradise.  Our river burst its bank and overcame every bridge.  I didn't know that water could rise 20 feet in a few hours, I didn't know that rivers could became raging bulldozers in less than a few hours devouring everything in their path.  I have never seen anything more terrifying that the sheer mass of these flood waters. As more and more pictures came in it was overwhelming to see the destruction!  I prayed Ryan would get home before our road was completely flooded and praise God they sent him home with enough time to get him before our road was impassable for our little car.

Now we were all together but Ella Mae was still in pain and we had no idea how long we would be stuck as the next storm was lined up to hit in the next day.  Our clinic was under water, and so we had to find another doctor to see.  Our friends recommended one in Lautoka which had not been hit as hard with the flooding so the next day we raced to the doctor so we could be seen and get back in time to prepare for what was now looking like a cyclone on its way.

The doctor was wonderful and she took her time with Ella Mae and decided we needed to treat with another round of antibiotics.  We were happy to be going home with something to try, knowing that we wouldn't be able to be seen by a doctor for a few days if the cyclone did hit.  Ella Mae's heart sunk more as she had thought the medicine would make her feel better right away, but it didn't.  We kept telling her 3 days (thats the timeline our doctor gave), and as I type we are on day 2 with mild improvement.  We have found that a heating pad helps the cramping and praise God her appetite is returning, although we must be very careful what we feed her as some things cause more pain then others. Today during one of her cramping episodes she drew this picture and gave it to me.  It says "I wish that I am like this" and the picture is of her happy and smiling.  My heart literally broke!  I want her to feel well again too, and I know that she will, but its hard to help her understand that sometimes it just takes time...

This week was never going to be easy.  I am fasting with our church and fasting weeks are always a time of trial, direction and growth. I accept that and I don't fight against that because I want to grow.  This week as I wrote down my spiritual goals for this fast.  I prayed first and foremost for healing for Ella Mae.  I think that God wanted to work on that area of my faith.  I don't question whether God can heal, I believe without a doubt He can and does.  I have experienced it first hand in my life and witnessed it in others.  The thing is, that I am in a place in my faith where I also accept that sometimes He does not heal.  That does not mean I have weak faith or I question Gods ability, I know what God can do, and I accept that sometime the answer is no.  I have prayed a million times for God to heal my infertility, but His answer is no.  He has a purpose in my infertility and it is the hand I have been dealt.  Out of my infertility is my biggest blessing, Ella Mae.  If I were fertile she could not have been mine and so that miracle, that blessing came from my biggest heartache.  Also, my Mom.  I have never seen someone suffer as long as my Mom.  She endures tremendous pain and struggle, and yet her faith remains strong.  She is incredible to me.  She doesn't feel abandoned by God (although I am sure she has her moments-dont we all) and she doesn't feel rejected by Him.  She believes that her suffering has purpose and may change someone else life and she accepts that.  That doesn't mean she stops praying for healing, it doesn't mean her faith is weak and she doesn't think God can't heal, she just accepts that right now and possibly until she leaves this life His answer may be no.  Sometimes I feel guilty for my acceptance of unanswered healing, but then I remember what the Bible said about problems and trials. Even Paul had physical sufferings and asked the Lord to remove it from Him but Gods answer was no.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in the weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Romans 5:3
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

I have accepted that healing may not come in this life but Praise the Lord, God is more concerned with our eternity!  Waiting for those, who put their hope in Jesus, are brand new bodies.  No more pain, sorrow or struggle, in Heaven we will be healed!  I do believe that Ella Mae's sickness is a passing thing and that she will be healed, I will continue to cry out to the Lord for her and will continue to give her the medicine that is prescribed, but God used this opportunity to talk to me about my viewpoint on healing and to stretch and strengthen my faith!

We woke up Wednesday to find out that we had a Category 2 Cyclone, Zena, on the way.  She would hit us Wednesday evening.  Ryan was at work and the rain had caused the flood waters to make our road impassable in our car .  Ella Mae lounged around, her appetite ever improving as was her energy, and I used my time to put up storm shutters and prepare for the worst.  We had friends and loved ones praying all over the world, a cyclone was not good for Fiji.  The floods had already displaced thousands and the island had still not recovered from the previous Cyclone only 6 weeks earlier.  So many people were without safe homes and we looked to take another direct hit.  It was disheartening to say the least, but there was nothing left to do but prepare and pray.  Ryan was sent home because the storm was in the path of his flight and a mechanical delay had set them back to late to make it out.  Another blessing from God, our Ryan was coming home!  He was scheduled to sleep in Suva for the next 3 nights, but due to this mechanical delay and the weather he would get to be with us for the storm.  Ryan's cab could not take him across our road so he called me to come wait for him on the other side of what is now lovingly called the "Gulf of Nasoso."  This short trek wading through knee deep water got him thinking and he announced that he wanted to take the kayak down to the flood waters and help the many people trying to get across with cyclone supplies and luggage.  I thought is was the best idea I had heard all day.  Ella Mae was feeling much better so we drove down to the water.

I have to say that I have never been so proud of my husbands generous heart as I was that day.  He had an unexpected day off, there was a good chance we were going to lose power later that day and get hit with a now Category 3 cyclone named Zena, but he would rather go help people across the flood water then sit at home and relax.  I don't know how many people he carried tirelessly across that water, a dozen maybe more.  He also carried tools, luggage, and groceries.  In his spare time he took some kids out for fun as their house was under the flood waters and it was a nice way to lift their spirits.  I watched him row back and forth over and over again and the smile on his face said it all.  He was finding joy in serving others!  He didn't do it to be recognized or for a pat on the shoulder.  As I helped one man out of the kayak he asked me "how much he owed." Ryan and I just smiled at him, and I said, "Seriously, do you see how much fun he is having, there is NO CHARGE!  This is just a way to be helpful." The man seemed surprised that Ryan wouldn't try to make a buck on his services and that also made me think of how selfish we can be sometimes as people.

I loved that my husband had put on his LIFE Runners shirt for this great adventure.  I think this, in so many ways, embodied the spirit of LIFE Runners.  Sure, the water was only knee deep and many people chose to walk, and Ryan's service was not necessary.  But for those that took him up on a dry trip across, it was worth while to see the beaming smiles as they reached the other side.  One man had nearly a dozen full grocery bags and walking across would have been a chore, so Ryan took the bags and the man was able to squeeze into a vehicle crossing.  Others had all of their belongings in their suitcases as they had left their flooded homes making their way to a friends house to take shelter.  To be able to give them a moment of help and a smile was well worth it.  In the end I had to drag Ryan out of the water as the rain began to intensify.  I love that my daughter saw what serving others with a glad heart looks like and that being generous with our time and talent honors God.  I guess you can give a Captain the day off but its just in his blood to ferry people to where they need to go! I love Fiji, I bet there were hundreds of stories of people who helped strangers all over the country just like Ryan chose to do.

As the evening drew close everyone continued to pray that the storm would pass us by and as we went to bed we braced for the worst but hoped for the best.  What I can tell you is that God heard those prayers and answered....

"NaDraki Weather update:

The cloud structure of TC Zena began to collapse soon after dark last night as the circulation encountered strong middle and upper level winds which:

1. Pushed the larger cloud bands away to the south, and so there was not much rain to speak of after mid afternoon.

2. Weakened the convection around the center of the cyclone and therefore the winds were much weaker than expected."

Sounds to me like God took TC Zena and SHUT HER DOWN!  He didn't just send her away but he collapsed her, destroyed her.  Another cyclone after Winston and the flooding 2 days earlier would have been beyond catastrophic, and yet this storm that had been intensifying only hours earlier just disintegrated as it neared us....

Matthew 8:26-27
"Jesus responded, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.  The disciples were amazed.  "Who is this man?" they asked.  "Even the winds and waves obey him!"

The answer to that question is the same answer to who stopped TC Zena, it was by Gods hand!  I am so thankful that God cares for us!  Last night God delivered us, He protected us and I will give Him all the glory and honor! I stopped in at a local coffee shop who had this clever sign outside (unfortunately their "flood pool" had nearly dried up by the time that I took this pic).  What I love most about this sign was echoed in my conversation with the man making my coffee.  As we talked about how grateful we were that the cyclone did not he hit he added "Its like God knew Fiji had had enough." We both agree, it was purely a miracle the way a strong and strengthening cyclone simply disintegrated as it neared Fiji.  When you have a thankful heart it reflects in your ability to smile despite your troubles, or to find a way to make light of a huge flooded pond in front of your business!

As the last days of my fast wind down, I am thankful for all of the things God is showing me and teaching me.  I know that Ella Mae will continue to get better and that I just need to be patient and prayerful as I wait on Him.  I can trust Him with my burdens!  God is good all the time!

Overflow....

Sometimes God shows me that some areas of my life are falling into patterns, that my purpose may be missing in some of the things I am doing.  It's so easy to get disconnected, life gets busy, I get tired, and before I know it my focus has slipped.  I love how God gets my attention and points out an area that may have slipped by me, an area if gone unnoticed could cause a divide in my faith walk.

I noticed today that I was starting to do some things out of "obligation" as opposed to doing them out of the overflow of Gods love in my life.  There is a significant difference in doing something because you feel like you "must" instead of doing it because it comes naturally.  The way we serve as Christians has as much to do with what we do as it does with the attitude in which we serve.  When out of obligation we may begin to grumble or do things half hearted.  Although we are still doing good things we are not honoring God the way we should by our tone or attitude.  Also, the "why" of the things we do is equally important to "what" we do.  If I do something simply because I feel like I must then I won't have the same attitude of generosity as I would if I did it because I wanted to.  I want everything I do to be out of the deep desire to serve others because it has become my very nature.

I realized that my fear of failing people is sometimes a stumbling block, it can cause me to be over critical of myself and then my attitude of service gets clouded.  I need to try to always remember that God is the one I am serving, that He is the one who I am trying to honor.  My desire to serve must come from my desire to be in Gods presence.  Our salvation is not able to be bought, our redemption does not come from our service, a life lived well does not give us a pass to heaven.  Only Jesus can do that, and that is the overflow from which our lives should be lived.  His mercy, His grace should be written over everything we do.  When we love someone we do things for them out of the desire to make them happy, not to buy their love.  It is no different with our relationship with God.  He loves us truly, madly, deeply and as we grow to understand His love, our love for Him grows and our desires should be increasing to bring Him joy.  I want to make you smile Jesus!

Psalms 84:10
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!  I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.

Jesus lives in us and gives us the ability to serve with a right spirit.  He didn't just expect us to figure it out, God sent Jesus to show us the very nature of God here on earth.  Jesus literally walked the walk!  We would never have been able to fully understand the nature of God if He had not sent Jesus to model it!  Through Jesus the Word of God was manifested before our eyes and we were able to see how we are supposed to live, to love and to serve.  To truly serve and honor God we must at times reject our very nature.  Humanity thinks of itself first and others second, but Jesus thought of others first and Himself LAST!  Jesus literally died to save the one who pounded in the nails that held Him on the cross.  That is selfless love at its very purest form! To even try to live this way we must surrender our own desires and will to God and be willing to put Him ahead of everything!  This includes your your family, your actions, your goals, your desires, and yes-your sexual inclinations. When we belong to God we no longer get to live as we want, we are called to live not as the world lives, but to His standard. Our human nature is contrary to God and we have to choose who to serve, God or ourselves!

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.  We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

Many things can stand in the way of us fully and completely serving God.  Maybe its our attitude or pride, maybe its choosing our flesh over what we know God tells us is right, maybe its simply refusing to let go of things that take our focus off of God.  Not all stumbling blocks are outright sin, good things can cause us to stumble too when our priorities sit on what we want and not what God wants from us.  Daily "housecleaning" is the only way to make sure we are on the proper path, with the right attitude.  The only way to really do that gut check thoroughly is to get alone with God and give Him your attention.  He can change the grump to grace when we let Him.  Forced service becomes joyful when we let Him change our viewpoint.  God wants to pour Himself on us, and He will show you that His overflow can change an impatient heart into a long-suffering heart.  That He can make giving so much better than receiving!  I am thankful that He speaks to my heart and stands between the lies of the enemy that might cause me to feel burdened.

John 1:16
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already give.

Our God is generous! To God be the Glory!