I'm fasting with the church this week and today as I took some time to study God's word I was brought to a deeper understanding of something I thought I already understood.
I have always had anger in me, I'm not sure when this anger started and I don't know why it manifests the way it does. It is part of who I am, deeply ingrained into my very being. When I get into a tirade I feel completely unable to stop the run away train that I have become and fighting against the way I feel seems wrong because it is the way I have always expressed myself. Ryan used to tell me that I needed to get the way I spoke to him and my Mom under control, that it was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be tolerated. I always responded that it was who I am, I was that way long before he knew me and he couldn't just expect me to change because we were married. How wrong I was indeed.
When I get frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, or disappointed I lash out. I'm not talking your typical anger, I'm talking about using my words to destroy. It's not something I really want everyone to know about me, but now you do. Mostly I lash out at my Mom, my short fuse is the worst with her and for that my heart breaks. I then choose Ryan as my next victim, and my sister Kris would run a close third, but when I started seeing my tone nearing this destructive zone with Ella Mae I really started looking at what was going on in my heart. I began praying over it, asking for the the Lord to give me more patience, a softer response, and to let my heart overflow with his love. I prayed for the darkness, the anger to be removed, that I would be changed. I started seeking this change many years ago, but only recently have I seen it for what it truly is. SIN. When I respond with shortness, when I lash out in anger, when I say hurtful things I am behaving sinfully. As I fight this battle inside myself I sometimes hear the excuse "but it's who I am, it's who I have always been" and that makes me feel better as the lies of the enemy soothe me momentarily and relieve the guilt from this battle. Then I speak with that hateful tone and realize that I don't want it to be who I am and that I will not let the enemy lie to me anymore. This can and will be broken, this dark piece of my flesh that I have hung onto for far too long.
Matthew 15:18
But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.
That is a devastating passage for me, I don't want the harsh words that come from my mouth to be from my heart because I don't want my heart to be that dark.
I see clearly now that I have accepted a huge lie of the enemy, a lie that seems to be commonly accepted in many aspects of "fleshly" sin. If I was born this way then how can it be wrong.....That is a lie, we are meant to crucify our flesh when we choose to follow Jesus. This is true for the anger and harshness that I have spoken with for my entire life, it is true when we speak of homosexuality, it is true when we say that addiction runs in our family, these are all things that we could use the "born this way or it's hereditary (alcoholism)" as an excuse but it does not excuse our choice to keep acting sinfully. I can choose to be conscious of the way I speak, to reject the way I used to respond, a homosexual can choose not to engage in sexual activity that is forbidden, an alcoholic can choose not to pick up that drink. The choice to die to our fleshly desires is not easy and it always comes with sacrifice but it is what we are supposed to do. I'm not going to debate these issues with anyone, but I urge any Christian who is living one of these lies of the enemy to take some time and seek God's will on the matter.
We are all called to take up our cross and follow Him, and that means we have to do some serious "flesh" house cleaning if we want to become who we are meant to be. I have truly confessed to God that this part of me is sinful and that I do not want it to be a part of me. I have asked God to help me make the changes that I need to make. I know it may take a lifetime for me to change, but I want to change, because I want to be who God meant for me to be. This is one of many areas of sin in my life that God has helped walk me through and I am thankful that He continues to reveal His truth to me on a daily basis.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
I am a new creation. When I asked Jesus into my heart, when I came to Him and asked forgiveness for my sins and turned from the sinful choices I was making God kept his promise and made me brand new. That means that I need to let go of the "old man" that I need to let Him mold me into the new creation I am meant to be. That is a daily commitment to trying to live how I am supposed to, to not going backwards or looking behind me but always pressing forward. When I stumble or fall flat on my face, which I will, I will pick myself back up and ask God to help me start moving in the right direction again. Many years ago I decided to live my life for God. That means that I want to be who I am meant to be and that person is not the person I used to be. We can either live for God or for ourselves but the simple fact is that we can't have it both ways. God will direct us and will never lead us astray if we will just let Him lead us. I choose His way, and that means that my life is not my own anymore.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
Isaiah 48:17
This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I and the LORD your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow.
I have always had anger in me, I'm not sure when this anger started and I don't know why it manifests the way it does. It is part of who I am, deeply ingrained into my very being. When I get into a tirade I feel completely unable to stop the run away train that I have become and fighting against the way I feel seems wrong because it is the way I have always expressed myself. Ryan used to tell me that I needed to get the way I spoke to him and my Mom under control, that it was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be tolerated. I always responded that it was who I am, I was that way long before he knew me and he couldn't just expect me to change because we were married. How wrong I was indeed.
When I get frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, or disappointed I lash out. I'm not talking your typical anger, I'm talking about using my words to destroy. It's not something I really want everyone to know about me, but now you do. Mostly I lash out at my Mom, my short fuse is the worst with her and for that my heart breaks. I then choose Ryan as my next victim, and my sister Kris would run a close third, but when I started seeing my tone nearing this destructive zone with Ella Mae I really started looking at what was going on in my heart. I began praying over it, asking for the the Lord to give me more patience, a softer response, and to let my heart overflow with his love. I prayed for the darkness, the anger to be removed, that I would be changed. I started seeking this change many years ago, but only recently have I seen it for what it truly is. SIN. When I respond with shortness, when I lash out in anger, when I say hurtful things I am behaving sinfully. As I fight this battle inside myself I sometimes hear the excuse "but it's who I am, it's who I have always been" and that makes me feel better as the lies of the enemy soothe me momentarily and relieve the guilt from this battle. Then I speak with that hateful tone and realize that I don't want it to be who I am and that I will not let the enemy lie to me anymore. This can and will be broken, this dark piece of my flesh that I have hung onto for far too long.
Matthew 15:18
But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.
That is a devastating passage for me, I don't want the harsh words that come from my mouth to be from my heart because I don't want my heart to be that dark.
I see clearly now that I have accepted a huge lie of the enemy, a lie that seems to be commonly accepted in many aspects of "fleshly" sin. If I was born this way then how can it be wrong.....That is a lie, we are meant to crucify our flesh when we choose to follow Jesus. This is true for the anger and harshness that I have spoken with for my entire life, it is true when we speak of homosexuality, it is true when we say that addiction runs in our family, these are all things that we could use the "born this way or it's hereditary (alcoholism)" as an excuse but it does not excuse our choice to keep acting sinfully. I can choose to be conscious of the way I speak, to reject the way I used to respond, a homosexual can choose not to engage in sexual activity that is forbidden, an alcoholic can choose not to pick up that drink. The choice to die to our fleshly desires is not easy and it always comes with sacrifice but it is what we are supposed to do. I'm not going to debate these issues with anyone, but I urge any Christian who is living one of these lies of the enemy to take some time and seek God's will on the matter.
We are all called to take up our cross and follow Him, and that means we have to do some serious "flesh" house cleaning if we want to become who we are meant to be. I have truly confessed to God that this part of me is sinful and that I do not want it to be a part of me. I have asked God to help me make the changes that I need to make. I know it may take a lifetime for me to change, but I want to change, because I want to be who God meant for me to be. This is one of many areas of sin in my life that God has helped walk me through and I am thankful that He continues to reveal His truth to me on a daily basis.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
I am a new creation. When I asked Jesus into my heart, when I came to Him and asked forgiveness for my sins and turned from the sinful choices I was making God kept his promise and made me brand new. That means that I need to let go of the "old man" that I need to let Him mold me into the new creation I am meant to be. That is a daily commitment to trying to live how I am supposed to, to not going backwards or looking behind me but always pressing forward. When I stumble or fall flat on my face, which I will, I will pick myself back up and ask God to help me start moving in the right direction again. Many years ago I decided to live my life for God. That means that I want to be who I am meant to be and that person is not the person I used to be. We can either live for God or for ourselves but the simple fact is that we can't have it both ways. God will direct us and will never lead us astray if we will just let Him lead us. I choose His way, and that means that my life is not my own anymore.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
Isaiah 48:17
This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I and the LORD your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow.
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