Forgiveness

Today as I rode my 30 mile stretch to Latoka I was seeking God on what He wanted me to speak to the women's group this week.  It took over half of the ride for me to completely see the picture he had placed in front of me.  I love the way God talks to me, and the way He confirms what He speaks.

Here in Fiji all livestock are free range in the sense that there are no fences.  All livestock have a very long rope tied around their necks, some are left to wonder while others are restrained by being tied to a tree or post.  When a rancher needs to capture his livestock he simply steps on the long rope as they walk away.

When we come into salvation, when we ask the Lord into our hearts a couple of things happen.  First, we become much like these animals, we have lush green pastures as far as the eye can see.  It is a gift given to us, our eternity bought and paid for.  Some of us make the transition easily, are able to turn from our lives of sin and run to lives of redemption and service for the Lord.  Some are like the livestock tied to a tree.  They see the gift, they can smell it, they can taste it but they are still restrained by the sin that remains in their lives.  That last bit of sin, that for whatever reason we have, we hold onto.  But I was most struck by the other kind, the kind that has the long rope still tied to their neck.  For me God revealed this as the group that struggles with forgiveness.

We are forgiven for everything if we come truly repentant and are willing to turn from sin, so then why are we so unforgiving.  We hold onto grudges, we store up an account of hurts and wrongs, we refuse to let it go.  I don't even want to think of how lost and broken we would be if God did that.  When we refuse to forgive someone we are dragging a long rope behind us, and any time the enemy wants to trip us up all he has to do is step on the rope.  We allow this un-forgiveness to keep us from the freedom of the plentiful pasture given to us.

I think for me I struggle more with forgiving myself, I do not have a hard time forgiving others, but forgiving myself is a different story.  Every time God calls me to boldness the enemy tries to trip me up by stepping on the rope I drag, the rope of un-forgiveness.  It can be anything really, another failure that I just cant believe I lost battle with.  The way I spoke to a loved one.  Maybe I caught myself entertaining gossip.  Whatever it may be, I find it easy for me to quickly come to the Lord for forgiveness as soon as I realize what I am doing, but I realized that I have not been forgiving myself, I have been storing up my failures and keeping an account and that has made me weak.

Today as I tackled the hardest stretch of rode I prayed with joy as I forgave myself, accepted Gods grace, and committed to no longer carrying that rope around.  I am now free to serve the Lord because I will not hold myself in un-forgiveness.  I pray for anyone who struggles with forgiveness, I pray that they would see that when you forgive, be it yourself or others, that you are setting yourself free form the wrong done.

Let Gods grace an mercy be accepted in your life by embracing it and believing in it.  Salvation is for all and it is a free gift given to those who believe and call upon the name of Jesus.

Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men of their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;  the old has gone, the new has come!

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Drawing lines in the sand

It is time for God fearing Christians to seek God diligently on the current state of our society.

I believe, because it is Biblical, that all leaders are appointed for a purpose.  God is all knowing, all seeing, and therefore is not surprised by anything that is happening in our world, grieved yes, surprised no.  We have come into a season that has greatly divided the Church.  This has been a time of struggle for me mostly because I cant wrap my mind around the things I am watching unfold.  As I spoke to a group of Christian women a few days ago, one said something that really opened my eyes.  She said that maybe the American Christians are facing these troubling times because it is a call to awaken the Church, to remind us that we need to stand for Christ and the truth even when that means we have to go against everything society is telling us.

I spent the better part my 20's allowing the lusts of my flesh to throw me into utter destruction.  I married a man that God clearly told me not to, but I loved him and I wanted him.  Sometimes what our heart wants is not what God wants and as an obedient Christian that means we have to deny our flesh and trust in God.  I didn't do that, I ignored God and I chose to follow my flesh right into the arms of a man I was never meant to marry.  See "love" is not an excuse to go against what God tells you, occasionally we are blinded by what we think is love only to find out that it lead us far from every truth we ever knew.  From there I spiraled out of control, and after my divorce there was no end to my sinfulness.  I let my flesh carry me lower than I ever dreamed it could.  I destroyed myself instead of trusting that God knew better.  It was only when I finally married the man God chose for me, surrendered my life to God, and turned away from my flesh that my life began to fall into place.

Our generation of Christians have lost sight of the truth.  We find churches that appease our "itching ears." We want affirmation that our sin is acceptable, that we can choose to follow our hearts when God tells us to follow Him instead.  We have so many churches and pastors indulging our itching ears, and as Christians we are leading each other astray.  We are being taught from some pulpits that these things are OK, but if you open the Bible you will find that there is no proof of that.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is acceptable between the same sex couple.  It clearly states that marriage is a union between man and women, I can find that in the Bible easily, but as much as society wants everyone to climb on board and accept gay marriage, if you are a Bible believing Christian then you cannot.  There is also no place in the Bible that says that homosexual sex is OK.  I can find many places in the Bible where it says that it is immoral, but not one place where it is said to be OK.  To simplify it, God says that sex is reserved for marriage (defined as a union between a man and a woman), so pre-marital sex of ANY kind is sinful (homosexual or heterosexual.)  We stopped talking about that long ago, we just accepted that people were going to have sex outside of marriage and that is where we opened the door to such a big problem in our faith walks.  See we don't get to pick and choose what we believe, as a Christian it is pretty clear, there are standards set up for us to follow.  I attempted in my younger years to pick and choose and it led to destruction.  God set these standards for us, not to harm us but to protect us.  I believe that God reserved sex for marriage because the union between one man and one women is the perfect union.  It is a gift for us, and it is meant to be shared only between one couple.

I am concerned when I hear Christians saying that God would change with the times, and when I hear this I wonder what god they are serving.  Certainly not the God I know, the God I serve created the Heavens and the Earth.  He is all knowing, all seeing.  He is the beginning and the end.  There is no time in our history that he has not seen, there is nothing He doesn't know about.  The Bible stands just as much in truth today is it did yesterday.  To say that God would now change His mind on homosexuality, or any of the sins that we want to participate in, is to say that we know more than God and that is foolish.  I understand that we want our loved ones, our friends, our families to be happy, and our homosexual loved ones are no exception, but I care less about happiness and more about their eternity so I will not indulge this new line of thinking.  I believe that we all struggle with our flesh, I also believe that some are called to celibacy because God wants their full attention, he wants to be what fills them and makes them complete.  I also know that many homosexuals have been delivered from their same sex desires when they have given their heart to Jesus, and denied their flesh as we are all called to do. I personally believe that some of the people who struggle with homosexuality may be some of the greatest servants of God of our time, if only they would take up the cross laid before them, deny their flesh, and follow Jesus.  I think that we have forgotten that sex is not everything, and if anything sex is the biggest tool the enemy uses to derail us on our mission for God.  I know that God has big plans of my life and I know that is why so many of my years were spent wrestling with my flesh.  Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with sin, I don't know anyone who doesn't, but the difference for me now is that I see it clearly and I reach for God when it attempts to infiltrate my mind.  For 10 years I followed the moral code of ME and it did not serve me well, now I serve the moral code of God and its harder, and it takes daily discipline in every area of my life, but in the end I want to have served God well.  I know that when I finally gave myself completely to God that it was impossible for me to continue in habitual sin, God convicted me and led me from it.  I know that this is true for all believers that desire to hear the Lord, if their ears are open the truth will be evident.

It is time for the Church to draw lines in the sand, to stand against popularity of the times and to be unwavering.  I do not only speak of same sex marriage.  Our Government has legalized abortion which is contrary to the Christian faith, as we know that we are commanded to not kill.  Our rights to serve God freely hang in the balance, and anyone who does not see that needs to step back and really look at what is going on in America today.  I have been blessed to see the US from a worldly angle and I can tell you that the world is watching and the view is not pretty.  We are crumbling into moral decay and confusion and although I believe that every season has its purpose I believe if the Christian community does not stand up for truth now, we will lose our right to truth later.

2 Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

Isaiah 30:9-11
For these are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instruction.  They say to the seers, "see no more visions!" and to the prophets,  "Give us no more visions of what is right!  Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions.  Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

Diving into the Unknown

One of the truly awesome things about living in Fiji is the amazing reefs and islands that surround the main island.  To experience Fiji in all of its glory you really need a boat, so we bought a boat that we co-own with a friend.  The water here is a color I can't describe and the reefs are healthy and teeming with life.  Fiji is made up of 322 islands, of which 106 are inhabited.  These islands are graced with beautiful white sand beaches, surrounded by gorgeous coral reefs and pristine azure waters.

Now, for the real meat of this post....I am terrified of being on the open ocean in the boat.  I have no idea why, nothing bad has ever happened to me in a boat, but when we get out there and there are any kind of waves or weather my body goes into total fight or flight mode and I start to panic.  This has been really upsetting for me because I want to be able to go out with all of our friends and enjoy our new investment.  Ryan loves the boat, he wants to fish and explore and I want to be a part of that.  The last few times we have tried to go out the weather has not been in our favor and so we have not had much fun.  Yesterday was a turning point.

The weather looked good and a few of our friends also had the day off so we left early morning for a last minute boat trip.  When we got out on the water it was nearly glass and as I thanked God I could hear him say, "this trip is my gift to you, enjoy it and trust in me that I am taking care of you."

I was enjoying the beautiful water all around us, the schools of game fish that we kept finding, as we headed out to Malolo island which is farther away than I would like.  I kept finding myself scanning the sky for danger as the cloud cover increased.  Every time I would start to let fear take over God would remind me that nothing was going to happen, that it was going to be OK.  After a short ride, thanks to perfect weather, we arrived at the reef.  At first I was hoping we would just keep going on to the island, knowing that if we stopped to snorkel we wouldn't get home until later in the day when the "chop" was supposed to increase.  At the reef I found peace again as the sky cleared.  There was just no way I was going to miss the opportunity to jump into this crystal clear water!  The reef was gorgeous and we swam around and explored, fished, and just spent time together for about an hour before pressing on to the island for some lunch.

The moment we came to the far side of the island I was struck by the sheer beauty of this place, it was incredible and impossible to explain.  Sandbars rising up in the middle of the ocean changing the water from deep blue to tan and every shade in between.  This was the side of Fiji that some people save their whole lives to be able to come visit, and this is my backyard!  Again as we pulled into port I started to worry that if we stayed to long the water may get rough, but God reminded me again to enjoy my day, and walking along the beach and taking in the sites, that's what I did.  I realized as we ate that sometimes I feel like I am in a movie here because this life is something out of a movie.  The places that we are seeing are so incredible and I can't even express how blessed I am that God gave us this time here.

When we finally headed back out to sea and left the far side of the island we were met with the chop increase that had been forecast.  There were some decent swells but Ryan piloted his boat perfectly and made our way back towards our port.  During the hour long ride home I sought God as the fear was trying to overtake, but I was finally able to rest in him.  To trust him completely and to shut down the fear.  I prayed during most of the ride, and I just talked through what I was feeling and as I did I was able to release it to Him.  We made it safely home, everyone reflecting on what an awesome day it was.

Later that night as I thought about it all I realized that I nearly missed my blessing because I was too scared to trust God and dive in.  If I had stayed home I would have missed the entire day!  If I had not jumped in at the reef I would have missed some of the prettiest reef I have seen yet.  If I had not been willing to go to Malolo for lunch I would have never seen a side of paradise that is beyond what I imagined.  Had I not been willing to turn my fear over to God on the ride back I would not have the confidence I now have to try again.

This was a great faith lesson for me!  How many times in my life have I robbed myself of the blessing that was right on the other side of something scary or hard?  A moment where God asked me to trust Him and fear won out?  I wonder what I missed out on...

I hope that this is a lesson I carry with me always.  Sometimes God asks us to do something that is downright scary, outside of our comfort zone, and doesn't make sense.  If we can find the courage rooted in our faith in Him and we jump in head first who knows the blessing that is waiting on the other side!  I for one hope to never rob myself of a blessing just because I am scared!

Be the Light

I honestly can't wrap my mind around this, logically it just doesn't make sense to me...

The other day I watched this video of this women who walked into a restaurant and began talking and crying about her little girl who was abused, held captive, and so on and so forth and in the end she made her talking point by announcing that the restaurant the people were dining in was the cause, because her little girl was a chicken and the eggs and meat the customers were consuming was causing the murder and abuse.  OK, I get it, some chicken farms are not great places and many animals are not treated properly and you know what that is sad and it needs to be changed, but man I wish society could have this much passion about our own unborn.

What caught me during her emotional speech was her claim that they needed to stop eating the eggs.  This then turned my mind back to the protected turtle egg nests that if you disturb you can face jail time and a hefty fine, again my mind is spinning. Look, I'm an animal lover, I hate to see animals hurting and abused and I have helped and donated where I can to some of these very important causes, but I think we need a reality check.

If this woman can see that a chicken egg is life, if the law can see that a turtle egg is life, then how do we turn a blind eye to our very own unborn's life.  Our babies are being killed buy the thousands daily yet we don't even get upset about it, no we applaud these mothers killing their children for exercising their rights.  Well this leaves me curious, if a woman has a right to murder her unborn baby simply because they share the same body, then is it OK for a conjoined twin to murder her sibling because they share a body?  I'm pretty sure that is unthinkable to us, that it would be called murder.  I am blown away that we as women somehow think that the laws that God passed down don't apply to us, that we somehow get a special pass on this one law, thou shall not kill.  Murder your toddler, bad, murder your 24 week old unborn baby, not bad.  That's insane and the fact that we don't see the wrong in that shows how fallen we truly are.

Lets get real, If the Pro-abortion movement spent half as much energy tending to the needs of these scared mothers as they do trying to push the agenda of death we might actually see the need for abortion diminish. The key is to walk side by side with these mothers and eliminate the crisis not the life of a precious child.  The manner of conception does not determine someones worth.  If your are genetically perfect or flawed it does not change your value.  We can hide behind all the reasons that we dig up but truth is truth.  Life begins at conception so this lump of cells concept is just a way to ease a guilty conscience.  Women's rights?  How about the fact that abortion leaves women in destruction, broken, hurting and no one willing to pick up the pieces because after an abortion these women have paid their money and are tossed away.  The only ones who truly care about them are the ones begging them to keep their babies.  It has nothing to do with wanting to force someone into doing something they don't want to do, it has to do with slowing down life long enough for the mother to really think about what she is doing and if she can live with that.  Statistically women choose life if reached out to by just one person willing to help.  Planned parenthood won't show a mother the ultrasound of their baby because they know once a mother sees that tiny miracle bouncing around they largely choose life.  Yes, there are some women out there who walk away from abortion feeling proud of their choice, but I question the shape their heart is truly in.

I have heard some say that killing the baby that was conceived in rape gave the women power, but based on the responses of women who are surveyed the opposite has been proved.  In most cases women who kill the innocent baby conceived in rape actually walk away feeling more damaged and raped all over again, where as the women that choose to keep or give up these innocent children for adoption find healing in choosing good to conquer evil and do not regret their choice.  You wouldn't ask the judge to let you murder the 4 year old daughter of the man who raped you to get your revenge, and if you would, I strongly urge you to get help because there is something deeply broken in you.  The darkness can never be broken by more darkness, you need light for that!

I believe without a doubt that as more hearts are turned towards life, as more and more abortion mills shut their door forever, that we have a chance to change the fate for women.  I believe that for every abortion clinic that closes two Pregnancy Resource Centers need to be opened, that if we can surround our scared and hurting women with love, options, and compassion that the need for abortion will be eliminated.  The worst thing we can do is to shut down these life saving clinics when the abortion clinics close their doors.  We have an obligation to these women to offer them the love and support they need to keep choosing life, to keep seeking the truth, to give every child a chance to feel the warm sun on their face, to fill our broken land with laughter.  This requires us to step up and step out, to volunteer and make donations to these life saving clinics.  I believe as the tides change, which they are, that we will begin to heal as a nation when we truly begin to value life from conception...

My Dark Passenger

I'm fasting with the church this week and today as I took some time to study God's word I was brought to a deeper understanding of something I thought I already understood.

I have always had anger in me, I'm not sure when this anger started and I don't know why it manifests the way it does.  It is part of who I am, deeply ingrained into my very being.  When I get into a tirade I feel completely unable to stop the run away train that I have become and fighting against the way I feel seems wrong because it is the way I have always expressed myself.  Ryan used to tell me that I needed to get the way I spoke to him and my Mom under control, that it was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be tolerated.  I always responded that it was who I am, I was that way long before he knew me and he couldn't just expect me to change because we were married.  How wrong I was indeed.

When I get frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, or disappointed I lash out.  I'm not talking your typical anger, I'm talking about using my words to destroy.  It's not something I really want everyone to know about me, but now you do.  Mostly I lash out at my Mom, my short fuse is the worst with her and for that my heart breaks.  I then choose Ryan as my next victim, and my sister Kris would run a close third, but when I started seeing my tone nearing this destructive zone with Ella Mae I really started looking at what was going on in my heart.  I began praying over it, asking for the the Lord to give me more patience, a softer response, and to let my heart overflow with his love.  I prayed for the darkness, the anger to be removed, that I would be changed.  I started seeking this change many years ago, but only recently have I seen it for what it truly is.  SIN.  When I respond with shortness, when I lash out in anger, when I say hurtful things I am behaving sinfully.  As I fight this battle inside myself I sometimes hear the excuse "but it's who I am, it's who I have always been" and that makes me feel better as the lies of the enemy soothe me momentarily and relieve the guilt from this battle.  Then I speak with that hateful tone and realize that I don't want it to be who I am and that I will not let the enemy lie to me anymore.  This can and will be broken, this dark piece of my flesh that I have hung onto for far too long.

Matthew 15:18
But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.

That is a devastating passage for me, I don't want the harsh words that come from my mouth to be from my heart because I don't want my heart to be that dark.

I see clearly now that I have accepted a huge lie of the enemy, a lie that seems to be commonly accepted in many aspects of "fleshly" sin.  If I was born this way then how can it be wrong.....That is a lie, we are meant to crucify our flesh when we choose to follow Jesus.  This is true for the anger and harshness that I have spoken with for my entire life, it is true when we speak of homosexuality, it is true when we say that addiction runs in our family, these are all things that we could use the "born this way or it's hereditary (alcoholism)" as an excuse but it does not excuse our choice to keep acting sinfully.  I can choose to be conscious of the way I speak, to reject the way I used to respond, a homosexual can choose not to engage in sexual activity that is forbidden, an alcoholic can choose not to pick up that drink.  The choice to die to our fleshly desires is not easy and it always comes with sacrifice but it is what we are supposed to do.  I'm not going to debate these issues with anyone, but I urge any Christian who is living one of these lies of the enemy to take some time and seek God's will on the matter.

We are all called to take up our cross and follow Him, and that means we have to do some serious "flesh" house cleaning if we want to become who we are meant to be.  I have truly confessed to God that this part of me is sinful and that I do not want it to be a part of me.  I have asked God to help me make the changes that I need to make.  I know it may take a lifetime for me to change, but I want to change, because I want to be who God meant for me to be.  This is one of many areas of sin in my life that God has helped walk me through and I am thankful that He continues to reveal His truth to me on a daily basis.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

I am a new creation.  When I asked Jesus into my heart, when I came to Him and asked forgiveness for my sins and turned from the sinful choices I was making God kept his promise and made me brand new.  That means that I need to let go of the "old man" that I need to let Him mold me into the  new creation I am meant to be.  That is a daily commitment to trying to live how I am supposed to, to not going backwards or looking behind me but always pressing forward.  When I stumble or fall flat on my face, which I will, I will pick myself back up and ask God to help me start moving in the right direction again.  Many years ago I decided to live my life for God.  That means that I want to be who I am meant to be and that person is not the person I used to be.  We can either live for God or for ourselves but the simple fact is that we can't have it both ways.  God will direct us and will never lead us astray if we will just let Him lead us.  I choose His way, and that means that my life is not my own anymore.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

James 1:22
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

Isaiah 48:17
This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I and the LORD your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow.

These scars are beautiful

I am realistic, I get that the world view can't be changed by my one post on the subject.  I get that my 3 friends are going to read this post and probably agree with me but that's about where it will end.  I'm still going to post it, because I love my daughter and I love my fellow females.

The other day a radio hostess was talking about how some hollywood star was complaining that she gained weight because her sister is pregnant and she is so upset about it.  The radio hostess then went on to say that, first off, no one can tell that she gained 5 pounds and second off, there are so many people around the world that would give anything to have enough food to be able to gain a much needed 5 pounds.  There is a reality check.  Now I get it, most people have never had to really see hunger up close and personal.  I have had the privilege of living in 3rd world countries and seeing that starvation is real.  I'm thankful that I have had my eyes opened to the true poverty in the world because it is life changing, but that is not what I want to talk about right now.

I weigh 155 pounds right now.  I gained about 10lbs when I moved to Fiji and I was mortified that I now lived in a bikini country and I was back in the 160's.  Then I let Fiji sink in and I realized something.  Ryan and I went to the beach and I didn't feel uncomfortable in my bathing suit.  There were all body types on the beach but that is not why I felt comfortable, I felt comfortable because NO ONE CARES HERE.  Seriously, size does not matter here.  Women who are large are confident, a confidence I honestly have not seen in American women.  Its not our fault that we are so insecure about our size, we have been told by society, from birth that we are too big, or too small, but its never good enough.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and why are these women of the island so beautiful regardless of weight?  Because they are confident.  They are secure in the skin they are in, literally.  No one is trying to be light skinned or darker skinned, there isn't fairness cream and lotion with bronzer filling up the shelves.  Now yes, I am sure there are some women here who are insecure or unhappy, but it is not a societal driven thing and it is refreshing!  This tropical paradise is so far removed from the tiresome burdens of perfection that first world countries seem so overly obsessed with.  I want my daughter raised that way.  To understand that beauty is on the inside and that your body is not what makes you beautiful.

We were at a fire dance the other day and Rebecca and I couldn't stop talking about how refreshing it was to see these beautiful dancers with real bodies.  Bodies showing the wear of child birth, bodies that were healthy and strong, bodies that were soft.  These women wearing nothing but coconuts and skirts took my breath away because they knew they were beautiful even though western society would have told them otherwise.  I want their confidence and I am slowly starting to have it.  I wear my bathing suit and I don't feel gross or fat, because I am neither.  I may not be the size I wanted to be but I am healthy.  I ride my bike, I run races, I workout, but I also live, I'm a mother, I eat pizza, you get the point.

If there is one thing that I really want to help Ella Mae discover, other than the deep love of God, it is that she is beautiful and jean size has nothing to do with it!

God created me and I am just as I should be.  It is my job to care for my body, to treat it well and not abuse it.  That means it is my job to love my body and that is what I need to start doing.  To see it the way God sees it.  Thank you God for lungs that can carry me through a race, a heart that is strong and healthy, for legs that can run, arms that can hold my daughter, eyes that can see the beauty around me, a sound mind that can learn and grow, for the marks my body bears from carrying a child and giving birth, I pray that I can always see the beauty because God created me and I am beautiful.  The same goes for you who are reading these words.  You are BEAUTIFUL!