A Special Child to Call our Own

Some days I struggle with my infertility, but most days I see it as an amazing gift from God.  Ella Mae could have only ever been Ella Mae due to our circumstances and I would not trade her for being fertile, not even for one second.  Through my infertility God has taught me amazing things, first and foremost what a miracle looks like, Ella Mae is such an amazing miracle. Second, to value every human life (born and unborn), and thirdly a heart of thankfulness that He cares deeply about what our hearts desire and although the answer isn't always in the form we seek it is a exactly what we need.

Today is one of the "hard" days, a day where I long to bring home a baby, a little miracle to add joy to our already joyful family.  A brother or sister to bless and be blessed by Ella Mae, who will be the greatest big sister ever.  I want to give another piece of my heart away to a precious gift from God that may not come from my womb as Ella Mae did, but will be as much mine as she is.  To see Ryan run and play with his children and teach then what a man of God looks like as he does every day with our daughter.

Last summer during one of my 35 mile bike rides in the hills as I rode with my LIFE Runners gear on to raise awareness for the precious unborn, God and I began a conversation and in that precious time of prayer he laid on my heart that he had a down syndrome baby planned for us.  That there would be a woman who would choose life for her baby but would be unable to raise her baby and would trust the precious gift of life into our family.  When I was 17 God promised me I would carry a baby and now that beautiful girl is nearly 4, so when God lays something on my heart I listen.  I don't know when this beautiful child will come into our lives, but I know my heart longs to meet and love this child with a mothers heart.

Every time I see a picture of a child with down syndrome my heart skips a beat.  I know that God must have a lot of faith in me because I never imagined being the parent of a special needs child and the challenges that come with.  I am under no illusions that their won't be challenges but if God thinks we are able then I know we are.  I also know that every child brings joy, love, and their own special gift into a family.  On average 9 out of 10 babies diagnosed with down syndrome while in the womb are aborted, that breaks my heart.  My prayer is that more mothers facing a down syndrome diagnosis will choose life and if they are not able to raise their child that they will seek a family like mine, there are many of us, who would consider a child with down syndrome a blessing sent from God.

For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
(Psalms 139:13-14)

Digging Deeper

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

This is one of my favorite verses, I turn to it in times of weariness, in times when the world seems to overpowering.  Today as I investigated these verses, my understanding deepened.

God calls us to not conform to the world but to be transformed by him.  He truly does know what is best for us, he knows what will cause us to stumble and what worldly things still have a hold on our hearts.  For me this really speaks volumes for my past.  Every single time I made a decision outside of what God says is right I have reaped sorrow, hurt, pain, disappointment, and failure.  God doesn't tell us that things are off limits to hurt us, quite the opposite, he wants to protect us.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and if I'm being honest with myself there is not a single thing that God has called me to restrict from my life that wasn't in my best interest to stay away from.  I try not to waste too much energy on the past because it is gone and cannot be undone, but I do take the time to reflect on it and learn from it.

I desire to take up God's yoke because he is right, his burden is light.  In following him obediently I can bypass much of the hurt that comes from being trapped in sin.  Sin may feel good for the moment but it is a destroyer over time and allowed to reign over your life leads to complete chaos and destruction.  I know, I've been there, I've made those choices, and I've seen the fruit they produce.

Often when we don't take the time to look closely as to why things are restricted we see them for what they are on the outside.  They look good, alluring, tempting, but if we look deeper and trust in God the truth will shine when we let it.  The world is burdensome, as a believer I am often faced with making choices that are best for me but very contrary to the world or what is socially acceptable.  The world seems tipped over lately as more often than not immoral is celebrated and moral rejected.  So for me this only makes this scripture more alive.  God's yoke is easy because it protects me from the devastation of sin, the world is hard because it is constantly pulling you in to your fleshly desires.  If I let the world in too much my heart is in turmoil, but when I step back from it and seek God I find the amazing quiet that comes from his peace, his love, and his guidance.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.  The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God;  it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.  Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  (Romans 8:6-8 NIV)

An Apology to my Body

To my body, I want to say I am sorry....

This morning as I stood before the mirror I began to look at you and I could feel those bad thoughts rising up.  I could feel my disappointment come over me as I surveyed you and was about to let those thoughts ruin my day when I took one more look and everything changed.  I started to think about you, all that I have asked of you over the last 35 years, all that I have done to you, and all that you have done for me in return.

I realized as I surveyed you that my heart needed to change because you would never meet my expectations.  I was unsatisfied with you 15 years ago when I had no idea how amazing you looked, I was unsatisfied by you 3 years ago when you weighed 30 lbs more than you do today, you just can't win.

You have been put through the ringer.  I have overfed and starved you.  I have poisoned you with cigarette smoke, drowned you with alcohol, stuffed you with junk food, and treated you poorly for most of my life.  Did you hold all this abuse against me when I then changed my ways and asked you for so much more?  No, you pushed through the dramatic drop in calories as I started to feed you good healthy food, you gave me all you had as I went from the couch to 6 days a week of grueling cardio.  You seemed to love the new life I was asking of you and you gave me everything you had.  Did that make me love you or give you the credit you were due?  No, I just looked at you with disappointment even as the pounds melted away and pushed you harder.

As the years of a much healthier lifestyle changed you, strengthened you, and refined you I still looked on you with disgust.  I pushed you harder, fed you less and asked you for more.  Then when you didn't respond fast enough or meet my expectations I would punish you with a day of gluttony and then blame you for not losing those last stubborn pounds.  You were trying and I was never happy.

You have run 3 half marathons for me and over 675 miles without ever giving up even when faced with an injury.  You have cycled over 700 miles and have pushed beyond what I ever thought possible for you.  You have strength trained and mastered extreme cardio and even when I drag you out of bed on day 7 still you give me all you have.

Last month I grew tired of fighting you and I have given you a rest.  I have still continued to feed you good foods and I still ask you to train at least 5 days a week but only today did I realize that I need to tell you that I am sorry.  I have wronged you.

You carried a baby for me, gave her everything she needed for her to thrive and grow.  You were stretched and pushed, poked and prodded, and you gave birth.  You have done some amazing things, but bringing my daughter into this world has got to be the most amazing thing you have ever done.

So how do I repay you?  By hating you every time I look at you, by telling you that you will never be good enough or look good enough.  By letting a number on a scale determine your value?  From the depths of my heart I am sorry.  Today I saw you in your glory.  You are beautiful, you are perfect, you are complete.  I am thankful for you and everything you do for me every day.  God created you to be just as you are, you are strong, you are healthy, and you are His.  I will never tell you that you fall short again.  Even if that number on the scale continues to climb I will love you because you are MINE!

I want my daughter to love her body so I will be sure to treat you with the love and respect you deserve.  I will not complain about you to others and will not think bad thoughts of you anymore.  You are my body and I love you.

Do you not know that your bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own;  you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies.  (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV)

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. (Psalms 139:14 NKJV)

Running in the Snow

Spiritual strongholds come in many forms and this weekend I realized there were areas in my life that I was letting the enemy place fear.  Fear that would keep me from Gods purpose, fear that could be crippling, literally at times.  This weekend those strongholds were shattered as I fell at Gods feet and gave them humbly to him.

I have been struggling with an IT band injury for over a year now.  What was most perplexing about this injury is even when I did all the right things, rest, strengthening, massage, and TLC it refused to heal.  I am a LIFE Runner chapter leader, running is a huge part of the ministry God has called me to.  As I continued to seek and pray on other things God asked my why I haven't asked for prayers of healing over my injury.  It got me to thinking, I had asked for prayer but never asked for anyone to pray healing prayer over me. Why?  I had no problem asking for prayers and had no problem asking and praying for healing for others, and yet at every alter call I sat back.  God wanted me to give this to him and ask a faithful prayer partner to pray.  So on Saturday night I went forward and we anointed my knee and hip with oil and prayed in faith that I was healed.  I explained that I really don't know why I had never asked to be healed before and she said it is humbling. The truth sunk in, God needed me to humble myself before Him and truly trust Him to heal my body. I've also realized that I never asked God to heal it because I felt it was insignificant in comparison.  Im not dying of some terrible disease or suffering a crippling illness, but what this has taught me is that to God my healing is just as important and he wanted me to give it to him.

This morning I drove to the gym because it was 11F out and snowing and I wanted to run.  I asked God to remove any fear an doubt and to give me complete faith in His healing.  I ran the first mile on the treadmill and it was great, I had no anxiety, no fear, and most importantly, no pain.  As I watched the snow fall out the window I quietly said "All for you God" and I turned off my treadmill, put on my LIFE Runners jacket and ran in the cold and snow.  I have never smiled so big as I did running that additional 1.5 miles in the freezing cold with no hat or gloves.  In the past hills were a big problem for my knee so in faith I ran up and down big hills with out giving up and still no pain!  I am healed, there is no pain left, there is no fear, the enemy has lost!  I am a LIFE Runner and I will continue to run for God until He himself asks me to slow down!

This weekend was an amazing weekend of all things spiritual.  I will try to explain but honestly words can not give God his due in the amazing way he works.

God had laid something on my heart a week or so back that I had been struggling with.  It was something microscopic but my heart felt urgency towards it.  As I gave it to God and watched His purpose unfold I can honestly say it was powerful and amazing.  God was at work in others hearts as he was in mine and as each piece fell into place and we came together to discuss the outcome it was like the light of God shown down on our conversation.  We both had been led by God in the same direction without any knowledge or understanding of the combined purpose God was putting into place.  I know that none of what I am saying here makes sense and as I said, unless you were there to watch it unfold I simply cannot explain it.  I will say that when God puts something in your heart and you are obedient you honestly have no idea how your obedience may be answering someones prayer or bringing God's plan into completion.  This was a very small issue, it literally was over the changing of 4 simple words if I remember correctly, but in changing those 4 simple words I believe it has opened huge doors for God's ministry! God called me out of my comfort zone and instead of sitting silently I did as he asked and found that all he had wanted was my obedience, he had already done the work.

When God calls you to serve him, which he does with all of his people, then you can expect two things to happen for sure.  You will be met by enemy opposition and God will deliver you and provide for your every need.  You can rest in his promises and find boldness for him in the battle!

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.  Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield. (Psalm 5:11-12 NIV)