I don't talk about it ever really, it's kind of the living overseas "elephant in the room," the disconnect.
Unless you have every lived overseas, far from all of your loved ones, your friends, your comfort zone this will be foreign to you. I'm not talking about living on the other side of the Country, although that is hard, but living on the other side of the world. There is a certain type of coping mechanism that seems to happen when you move so far away that there is no way you could even make it home in a day if an emergency arose. It is the only way to live apart from the people you miss daily and would give just about anything to be near. You have to disconnect.
It's living your life and letting the other side of the world live theirs. It's hard, and it seems cold, but the only way that I can survive being so far from so many people I love is to not think about them. I can't think about you all daily or I simply would not make it. The days that I do think about you all I have a very hard time functioning. I find that when I live my life, focused on my family here and the things I need to get done, I can do it without breaking down. I know that sounds so cold, I'm getting "chills" writing it, but its the truth.
Living a day ahead of everyone means that sometimes its hard to text or to call when I can because the times don't match up. Or by the time I do try to call its too late. It means that I cant sit and look at all of your pictures every day or read your statuses every day because it hurts. Especially family, when I see cousins hanging out with aunts and uncles, grandchildren with grandparents, or sisters and brothers spending time together, I am reminded that my daughter is missing out on all of that precious time. Its not fair for her in a lot of ways, because she asks about you all the time and she misses you all. This is where Ryan is able to make a living and this is where God called us to be so she knows she has to be here. My heart aches that we miss reunions, weddings, funerals, can't help when emergency surgeries arise, can't be there when things are hard, can't be there to celebrate when things are good. We are disconnected.
I think mostly I am writing this because I want to say that this disconnect that happens, that allows me to function as a human, to go about my life with thankfulness and gladness does not mean that I don't love you. I truly, madly, deeply do. That's why I must disconnect, its the only way to stop the daily heartbreak. I do spend quiet moments thinking of you all, celebrating with you, feeling jealous over you, missing you, but I have to limit those times, I just do.
I truly hope that none of you, my loved ones, my dear friends and family, have felt forgotten or rejected by me. That is why I am saying these things, so that you can know that I love you so much that it simply hurts! One day maybe God will bring us back to the US to be able to be close to you all again, I pray he does if that is his will for this family. In the meantime, please don't mistake my silence for rejection. I LOVE YOU ALL!
Unless you have every lived overseas, far from all of your loved ones, your friends, your comfort zone this will be foreign to you. I'm not talking about living on the other side of the Country, although that is hard, but living on the other side of the world. There is a certain type of coping mechanism that seems to happen when you move so far away that there is no way you could even make it home in a day if an emergency arose. It is the only way to live apart from the people you miss daily and would give just about anything to be near. You have to disconnect.
It's living your life and letting the other side of the world live theirs. It's hard, and it seems cold, but the only way that I can survive being so far from so many people I love is to not think about them. I can't think about you all daily or I simply would not make it. The days that I do think about you all I have a very hard time functioning. I find that when I live my life, focused on my family here and the things I need to get done, I can do it without breaking down. I know that sounds so cold, I'm getting "chills" writing it, but its the truth.
Living a day ahead of everyone means that sometimes its hard to text or to call when I can because the times don't match up. Or by the time I do try to call its too late. It means that I cant sit and look at all of your pictures every day or read your statuses every day because it hurts. Especially family, when I see cousins hanging out with aunts and uncles, grandchildren with grandparents, or sisters and brothers spending time together, I am reminded that my daughter is missing out on all of that precious time. Its not fair for her in a lot of ways, because she asks about you all the time and she misses you all. This is where Ryan is able to make a living and this is where God called us to be so she knows she has to be here. My heart aches that we miss reunions, weddings, funerals, can't help when emergency surgeries arise, can't be there when things are hard, can't be there to celebrate when things are good. We are disconnected.
I think mostly I am writing this because I want to say that this disconnect that happens, that allows me to function as a human, to go about my life with thankfulness and gladness does not mean that I don't love you. I truly, madly, deeply do. That's why I must disconnect, its the only way to stop the daily heartbreak. I do spend quiet moments thinking of you all, celebrating with you, feeling jealous over you, missing you, but I have to limit those times, I just do.
I truly hope that none of you, my loved ones, my dear friends and family, have felt forgotten or rejected by me. That is why I am saying these things, so that you can know that I love you so much that it simply hurts! One day maybe God will bring us back to the US to be able to be close to you all again, I pray he does if that is his will for this family. In the meantime, please don't mistake my silence for rejection. I LOVE YOU ALL!
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