40 Days and 40 Nights

Its been 40 days since I have consumed artificial sugar, meat, or anything processed.  NO, I did not make that decision as part of some diet, I made that decision because God called me to fast and that is what I felt would be the hardest and best sacrifice from my daily life.  I am truly addicted to sugar, but not because sugar tastes good, but because eating fills a void.  That void however is meant to be filled by God.  So I embarked on this 40 day fast in the hope of once and for all breaking my eating disorder and letting God heal me.

What happened over the last 40 days is that I found that I could get through any stress put before me, any trigger situation, and turn the need to God and truly reject food as the answer.  I have made it 40 days and the truth is the cravings for more are fleeting and much easier to overcome with prayer.  What is even more miraculous is that I now sleep through the night, something I haven't done since my teen years.  I no longer pick nervously at my cuticles, something I have done from childhood, and I respond less panicked when trouble arrives.  I still have a long way to go with my attitude.  I still struggle with a harsh tongue when I am under pressure, but I see very clearly how God is refining me.  I want more than ever for my heart to be filled with patience and love so I can be long-suffering.  I want to be the mother and wife God has called me to be and when I respond with harshness I am not filling that role.

This fast had everything to do with food and then nothing to do with it.  It was a time where I said "OK God, what do you want to see changed in me?' God not only answered but he changed me.  I feel like I can really lean on him and he is right there.  This has not been an easy 40 days, in the middle of it all we had visa issues, my Dad had another emergency surgery, I ran out of my hormones and cannot get them here in Fiji, my Mom got hurt, I'm homesick like I have never been before, as well as the typical day to day struggles.  By the grace of God I saw that I could weather these storms without the comfort of food because food didn't bring me the comfort I needed, only God could do that.

During these 40 days God changed the face of my fitness as well.  My bike that has been my main source of fitness broke a spoke and the only one person on the island who can get me a spoke will not be back on the island for awhile.  That morning as I stood looking at my bike I heard God say run.  Since that day I have been training for a marathon and am running about 22 miles a week on average.  A year ago I was crying out to the Lord to heal my knee so I could run A-Cross America Relay miles, and now I am running pain free daily!  I have seen that the injury I carried was only ever spiritual and I am learning to trust God faithfully.  He has healed me, and he has called me to run for LIFE and for his kingdom and because it is for him and of him I do not have to fear.  I will be able to run, and I will not worry any longer about what might happen.  It is in Gods hands.

This 40 days has given me deeper vision for the ministry of LIFE Runners in Fiji.  Our chapter has grown from a handful to nearly 70!  I see how God is working and I am learning to trust him to lead the way and open doors.  In times where I may feel like nothing is happening God is still busy.  I am planting seeds even if I may never fully see the harvest.  The team here in Fiji has completely embraced the mission for life and they are a powerful group of faith.  What a blessing they have been for me and my family.  I love them deeply, these amazing brothers and sisters in Christ, and I am thankful for them.  I know that long after God has moved us to another place that LIFE Runners will continue here with great purpose because of them.  I was also given the honor of being voted into an official National LIFE Runners position, Operations Assistant, and I am excited to see what God has planned that way.  So many amazing things have happened, and I am just thankful that God called me to serve and that he gave me the courage to say yes!

I'm still trying to find balance in my life.  I still struggle with giving God the first of my day, and I want to, he deserves the very best of my day, the very best of my attention.  My runs are spent in prayer and praise and I value that one on one time where I am just in his presence.  Especially when I start my runs an hour before day break and the world is still quiet.

My biggest fear is that tomorrow when I have to the freedom to eat whatever I like that I will choose to eat what I know I should not.  Part of me is excited that the fast is over, that I can enjoy a bit more variety than my 2 salads a day, but the other part likes the safety of the fast.  The promise I made to not violate it.  This is where the true test begins.  The moment where you have the choice to choose, where I can eat anything.  I hope to continue to seek God and to not fall back into old habits.  To decide that my thirst can only be quenched by God and that I do not need to return to food and fear.  Isn't that the same for us when we begin to follow Christ.  At first we are so excited at the newness of it, but then as it becomes part of our lives on a more deeper level we are faced with old temptations, not necessarily even sin, but old ways that could easily draw us back the way we came.  I want to flee from temptation.  Maybe that means that I will never eat another candy or chip, and maybe I will learn to control my appetite.  I know one thing for sure, I will be seeking God closely during this transition out of my fast.  I will not fall back to my old ways, I have come to far for that, and I know that my gluttony is something that stands between me and God and I want nothing standing between me and God.  I guess if that means that I never get to eat candy or drink soda again then so be it.  Christ gave up far more than candy for me, this is a small sacrifice.  I will pray, and I will seek, and I will trust in where he leads me.

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sad down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

The Disconnect

I don't talk about it ever really, it's kind of the living overseas "elephant in the room," the disconnect.

Unless you have every lived overseas, far from all of your loved ones, your friends, your comfort zone this will be foreign to you.  I'm not talking about living on the other side of the Country, although that is hard, but living on the other side of the world.  There is a certain type of coping mechanism that seems to happen when you move so far away that there is no way you could even make it home in a day if an emergency arose.  It is the only way to live apart from the people you miss daily and would give just about anything to be near.  You have to disconnect.

It's living your life and letting the other side of the world live theirs.  It's hard, and it seems cold, but the only way that I can survive being so far from so many people I love is to not think about them.  I can't think about you all daily or I simply would not make it.  The days that I do think about you all I have a very hard time functioning.  I find that when I live my life, focused on my family here and the things I need to get done, I can do it without breaking down.  I know that sounds so cold, I'm getting "chills" writing it, but its the truth.

Living a day ahead of everyone means that sometimes its hard to text or to call when I can because the times don't match up.  Or by the time I do try to call its too late.  It means that I cant sit and look at all of your pictures every day or read your statuses every day because it hurts.  Especially family, when I see cousins hanging out with aunts and uncles, grandchildren with grandparents, or sisters and brothers spending time together, I am reminded that my daughter is missing out on all of that precious time.  Its not fair for her in a lot of ways, because she asks about you all the time and she misses you all.  This is where Ryan is able to make a living and this is where God called us to be so she knows she has to be here.  My heart aches that we miss reunions, weddings, funerals, can't help when emergency surgeries arise, can't be there when things are hard, can't be there to celebrate when things are good.  We are disconnected.

I think mostly I am writing this because I want to say that this disconnect that happens, that allows me to function as a human, to go about my life with thankfulness and gladness does not mean that I don't love you.  I truly, madly, deeply do.  That's why I must disconnect, its the only way to stop the daily heartbreak.  I do spend quiet moments thinking of you all, celebrating with you, feeling jealous over you, missing you, but I have to limit those times, I just do.

I truly hope that none of you, my loved ones, my dear friends and family, have felt forgotten or rejected by me.  That is why I am saying these things, so that you can know that I love you so much that it simply hurts!  One day maybe God will bring us back to the US to be able to be close to you all again, I pray he does if that is his will for this family.  In the meantime, please don't mistake my silence for rejection.  I LOVE YOU ALL!  

Cloud On the Mountain

Today as I did a short run with my husband in the middle of my marathon training I was awed by the sight of a cloud resting on the mountain of the sleeping giant.  It was beautiful, so peaceful, so relaxing, and then I started to ponder it.

What was it like inside that cloud.  Was it so foggy that the people trapped in it could barely see, was it storming, was it scary...

It really opened my eyes to the trials of life as we walk in faith in Christ.  Often times we find ourselves stuck in these "clouds" sometimes they disorient us and we don't know which way to turn, other times they terrify us with the uncertainty of what is next, they can cripple us with not knowing when it will lift.  Praise God he has a greater view of our cloud and he knows what we need to get through it, HIM.

From my view the cloud was peaceful, and from Gods view he can clearly see what way you need to go, how far you have to go, and how long until the cloud will lift.  We can't see the big picture, but those clouds always bring growth.  They teach us endurance, patience, faith, and surrender to God.

I don't know what trial each person faces, but I do know that no matter what cloud you find yourself in God has the answers.  Instead of stumbling around in the dark, or fighting against the storm the safest place is to come to our knees and ask him where to go and what to do.  I struggle with this, I often rage against the storm for a bit and then exhausted under the weight of my own addition to the problem I come to God humble.  I am trying to learn to come to God humbly first instead of freaking out.  I pray that God will teach me patience, and that my faith will deepen.

We may never understand all of our clouds, but I am certain that each one had a perfect purpose in my life and that I am more of the woman he wants me to be each day because of them.  No one likes storms, no one likes trials, but they are part of growth.

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  John 12:24

Growth is painful, as a Christian we are called to die to our fleshly desires and ways.  I believe trials strip away the flesh and help us to let go of parts of us that are contrary to God.  No one likes to be stripped down, no one likes to be refined, it can be painful, but in the end you are better for it.  I am so thankful that I have an all knowing, loving God who looks at my cloud and sees the beauty waiting on the other side....