It began with a fast

Day 1

This morning as I woke up, before my eyes even opened I began talking to God, something I don’t do as often as I should but truly the best way to start my day.  I gave God my “first fruits” this morning as I prayed, read a devotional, and read some scripture before my feet ever touched the floor.  The realization that I crave social connection to the world far more than I should and reach for God far less than I should was sobering.  Very rarely am I sitting doing nothing when the thought crosses my mind, “I should talk with God.” All to often as I sit idly I feel that I need to connect and see what the world around me is doing.  Almost as if social networking may perish without my presence.  So here I sit, day one of my fast not desiring food nearly as much as I thought I might, although I am only fasting a meal a day and caffeine, but feeling old habits wanting me to return.  I have hid my FaceBook app inside an arbitrary folder on my iPhone and turned off all forms of notification.

I want to desire time with God the way I desire to connect socially.  I want Him to be my first rising thought and my last goodnight.  These are the desires of my heart and now the only coarse of action is to give Him the first and best of me.  He deserves my heart in a way that I can not even comprehend.  He is the answer to all of my hopes, dreams, and desires and I pray His will over my life, my marriage, my family, and my heart.

Today I moved slowly through my morning knowing that this was going to be a week of prayer, family, and growth and wanting to give my attention to Him and that desire.  I have found that my life very selfishly revolves around me.  This morning instead of putting me first I put me last.  I took care of Ella Mae after I was finally up and moving, getting her dressed, teeth brushed, hair done and being sure she ate the food that Daddy prepared.  Then I allowed myself some me time and worked out.  After that I spent more time with Ella Mae helping her learn how to use scissors and working on writing and other preschool activities, then I read to her.  I am ashamed to say that other than bedtime I have really not been reading to her as much as she deserves.  It was nice just sitting with her and sharing a couple of books.

Ryan has joined me on this social media fast, although for him it will be more of a gaming fast since social media is not so much his thing.  Listening to him upstairs practicing his guitar, perfecting a gift God has given him for praise and worship, I feel blessed.  I am blessed to have a man of God as my partner, as the head of this household, as the father of my child.  I am blessed, God chose wisely for me and he has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

Today I will allow myself some bits of time to be idle, but my intention is to spend as much as possible pouring into my family and seeking the face of God.  I know that this week will grow challenging for me both with the physical fast, the emotional fast, and with probable enemy attack, but I know that I will come out of this week with a new perspective and a better picture of what God is asking of me.

As this day draws near to a close I realize that today what God wanted to show me was the need to slow things down.  To make time for the important things like Him and family.  I admit I spend most of my days hustling through life and taking very little time to slow down.  In India my life was simple and slow and during my time there I was able to grow in my relationship with my family and God.  Coming back to a 1st world country has sped my life up and I realize now that all of my struggles can be attributed to an unwillingness to be still.  Today I want to thank God for showing me what I have been missing, the blessings that I have quickly passed over while trying to move at warp speed.  I pray that this new eye opening experience will keep me grounded as I attempt to change my focus.  Tomorrow I expect He will reveal something else to me and I am excited to see what it may be.

The most profound piece of scripture I read today was one that I have read before but my eyes were opened to the magnitude of it.  It is a prayer Jesus prayed for all believers, a prayer specifically prayed for me before he gave his life willingly on the cross to insure my place in heaven.  I was so humbled and touched by the fact that my very own savior prayed this prayer to my Heavenly Father specifically for me over 2000 years ago!  Reading these verses sent chills through my body.  He knew all the times I would turn my back on Him, all the times I would tell Him I didn’t need Him, all the times I would sin willingly and knowingly and all the times my sin caught me by surprise.  Even with all of this knowledge He still offered up a prayer, for me, before He was sacrificed.....

John 17:20-26 (NIV)

“My prayer is not for them alone.  I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.  May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.  I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:  I in them and you in me.  May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

“Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me.  I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

Day 2

This morning I spent time reading and in prayer again before I started my day.  Last night before I fell asleep God gave me an answer I was really needing to hear and this morning was no different.  I am reading the book “In the Eye of the Storm” by Max Lucado and the chapter I read today spoke volumes to me.  I realized that I am missing the “journey”!  Far to often Ryan and Ella Mae are playing and being silly when I am worrying or stressing over something going on in our lives.  Their carefree fun and silliness even becomes annoying to me as I worry for all of us.  I am missing the journey big time!  Truth be told, I do worry and stress far less now than I used to but i have not fully let go.  Ryan worries about very little and that is evident in his carefree spirit.  Ella Mae of course really worries about nothing and she is always happy and silly!  I am content, but very rarely carefree or silly.  

As I started my day I tried very hard to not rush Ella Mae, I let her put on her boots in her backwards kid manner that took 3 times as long as it should have but I watched her be silly and I let myself enjoy it.  The world would not stop turning if we were late to gymnastics and I felt far less stressed as we headed out the door.  It was awesome!  Now I don’t expect this to change over night, but as I drove down the road I reminded myself that no amount of worry was going to fix anything.  Worrying wouldn’t pay “that bill” or fix “that problem” all worry was doing was robbing me of the journey.  Then the scripture I have read a thousand times glowed at me with new meaning.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I have read this before but never has it hit me so deeply, God doesn’t want me to carry these worries, he wants to take them for me, he wants me to put my eyes on him and follow him.  He will not burden me, but will teach me and guide me through my life.  He absolutely wants to take the “weight of the world” off of me.  So I will give it to him, all my worries as well as my praises, all of my concerns and my thanks, all of my fears and my triumphs, I give them all to him so that He can guide my journey.

I want to be silly and carefree and not let things of this world burden me.  I'm not saying that God doesn’t have serious and difficult things for me to do, because he does, but there is much to be learned from seeing the rainbow no matter how heavy the storm.  Truth be told, no amount of worry will fix my problems anyways so I will instead trust in Him to provide and while I rest in him i will enjoy all that he has and is doing on this amazing journey!

Day 3

Last night as I was reading and praying I realized that what I miss most about India is something that I can have here, if i am willing to step outside of the flow of first world living.  My craving is for simplicity, a quieter life.  In India rarely did we ever step out of our routine, except when we vacationed our lives were simple, predictable.

This routine life kept me very focused on the things most dear to me, my family.  I normally only left our apartment to go into the city once a week.  Since we have been home there is never much of a plan and most of the time is go, go, go.  This week as I have fasted I have tried hard to stay close to home.  Too much activity is firstly counter productive to me spending time in the Bible, in study, and in prayer.  It is also physically taxing as I am hungry and drained from my partial food fast.  When I am at home focused on the Kingdom I am drawing nearer to God and my family, when I head out into the world I am distracted from what this week is about.

Obviously I have a family to care for, and that means I can’t spend all of my time at home praying and seeking God, but it would be nice if I would slow my life down and make more time for Him.  I know that my eyes have been opened and that from now on I hope to keep vigilant when the world starts to creep in and occupy all of my time.  There is a distance that grows in my life when I get swept up by the world and now I know what I need to do.

I am also learning to listen better, to not feel the need to interject my opinion upon all conversations.  It is nice to sit and be part of the conversation without feeling the need to take over the conversation.  I am also so much more conscience of my mood and tone.  I will admit that come about noon each day as I am deeper into my partial food fast, nearing the hour when I can eat my meal, I can be a bit edgy.  I am learning that I need to take that minute and breathe deeply before responding.  Also, FYI, I do believe it is mildly cruel to send someone to the grocery store with 3 year old in tow to buy food while fasting, but it was a gift of love, and taught me about putting others needs first, even if I did want to steal one of the yummy pastries I had to pick up.  Sometimes we just need to smile and be willing to do things for others that may be a bit challenging.

So today has truly been a test on my patience in more ways than I could even care to list, and I would love to say that I responded in kindness or patience each time but I wont lie.  I have failed, my tone has betrayed me, my mouth has uttered words that my heart knew better but it has shown me an area where I need to work and grow.  I know when things are easy I am able to bite my tongue, but when stressed I respond in a manner less becoming.  Each day new things have been revealed to me and I am awed by this whole process!

James 1:19-20

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Day 4

I will say that this whole fast has been very revealing to things that need to be changed in my life, but today was the day that God ignited my passion for the ministry he has called me to.  This morning as I was praying and reading the Bible before getting up out of bed my phone rang, and it was the phone call that would change everything for me.

I wont go into details because its not my story to tell, but I will tell you that I have a greater understanding of the way God intends to use me and I am ready to take the call.  Today was a call to action in my life, to take a giant leap and trust God to lead my way.  I know it wont be easy but I am ready.  I want my daughter to see that when God calls we answer, I want her to know that when you can stand against evil in this world you don’t run away because it is easier, you stand tall and defend the truth.

Almost immediately the enemy has tried to shut me down, to intimidate me but its not going to work, I am not going to back down.  My whole day was thrown into chaos after that call, but I turned to God and my faithful praying friends and I managed to get all accomplished that I needed to do while still maintaining my fast and my focus.  I also had to be willing at one point to accept I had fulfilled my role, in the current situation, and I would just have to trust God to take the rest for me.

One of my biggest lessons of the day, God doesn’t always call the equipped, but he always equips the called.

Hebrews 13:20-21

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Day 5

Today is my last day of my fast of 1 meal a day (no eating from 8pm until 2pm), caffeine, and social networking.  I can say that I am no longer addicted to caffeine, I no longer eat for pleasure and I honestly don’t miss FaceBook.  What is more remarkable than all these trivial side effects is the deep down “clean out” God has done to my soul over this week.  He has revealed not only things in my life that need adjusting but has also deepened my understanding of things I thought I knew and ignited my passion for the ministry he has put before me.  It has been a week that I hope to never lose sight of and I pray that I will follow through on these changes I know need to be made.  Some of the things he has called me to examine are scary and painful, but I am trusting in Him to guide me through the process.  This week I gave God more of me and even still it is less than He deserves.  I feel honored that the still small voice never leaves me, and that I know in my heart what things of the past I don’t want to repeat.  Those things have grown me and changed me in many ways and I know that God can use all things for His glory. 

Tomorrow I will be able to eat again and I will get back on FaceBook.  I don’t know yet if I will even bother consuming caffeine but I probably will.  I do know that I will start my day with Him, I will fellowship with Him during the day and He will be the last person I will talk to before I close my eyes.  This is a change that is here to stay, and I will do my best to make all of the other changes He has laid before me.  By the Grace of God I know I can do it.

This is the point in my life where I will take up His banner with new fervor, I’m asking Him to set my spirit ablaze and give me a heart and mind only to serve Him.  This is my “rebranding” if you will, and so this is when my blog will take a new direction, a new purpose, a new name.  I have been called to be bold and unafraid and I intend to answer that call.  Not too many years ago, before I left for India my heart had become hard and I had let myself be blinded from the truth, they are some of the darkest years of my life and I will never turn away from God again the way I did in those broken years.  Left in their wake are many painful memories, and a sinful life that is shameful. My hope is that my life has only reflected His passion and love from that moment he brought me back into the fold some 5 years ago.  I am a sinner and I mess up more than I care to admit, there aren’t many sins I have not shared a piece in and for that I am truly sorry, but I am redeemed, set free by the Grace of God and the shed blood of my savior Jesus Christ.  I will live for Him and Him alone, now and forever.  This is where my new journey begins, the journey of a woman who is seeking the face of God with a new passion for this next chapter in my life.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me