Looking Deep Within

I am just hours away from completing my 3rd week of fasting (one week each month) with my church.  This, like the times before, has proven to be a time where God really spoke to me.

Every time I fast it is a totally different experience.  I never used to fast, and now I feel like I am fasting all of the time, not that I am complaining, I'm thankful that God calls me to do so.  Fasting is especially important for me as I struggle with not only gluttony, but a weight control issue.  Fasting has taught me that I cannot let food and weight gain/loss affect my mood.  The scale can no longer control me and neither can my appetite.  I never fast for weight loss purposes, only spiritual ones, which is good because I never lose weight after a week of fasting.

This week God revealed to me that I still occasionally struggle with making snap judgements about people upon meeting them based on their appearance.  I also shy away from people that I really should embrace.  This revelation brings shame to my heart.  I didn't realize that I was still doing that, on a much smaller scale of course, but still doing it none the less.  This is baggage that must go, and I pray that God will continue to give me ample opportunity to meet and embrace people that I would not have in the past.

I also realized that some of this judgement comes from me seeing pieces of the old me in the new person I am meeting.  Maybe its the way they dress, inaproprtiate by my standards, and yet how many times did I leave the house in the past dressed completely disrespectful and inappropriately and yet had no idea at the time because my eyes were veiled. Whatever the reason, I am sad that these thoughts even come into my mind.  I am thankful that God showed me this remnant of judgement that I still carry in the depths of my heart and I have fully confessed to Him and ask Him to shape me and mold me and make me knew in thought.

There are so many things going on in our hearts and minds that we may not even notice on a normal day, and yet when we ask God to reveal them to us He is very quick to bring them to the surface.  I have made many mistakes, I have sinned plenty in my past, and I will continue to stumble, but I refuse to allow things like this to remain in my life.  I refuse to accept these wrong thoughts, I refuse to let my flesh win this battle.  I was bought and paid for by the shed blood of Jesus which means I am not my own.  My thoughts need to be his thoughts.  I need to be his love and compassion here on this broken planet.

"Love is an action verb.  If you love others, you do things for them.  To hate (in a biblical sense) is to do nothing or to turn away." Battlefield of the Mind ~Joyce Meyer

Ephesians 4:32
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

I Want To Walk On Water With Him

Wow has 2014 been a wild ride.  I honestly can't even wrap my mind around how much things have changed for our family.  It's not just about a move to the other side of the world, it's really more about the change that God has done in my heart and in my family.

This time a year ago we were wondering how we were going to make it through another year financially.  We had burned through India savings just trying to keep our heads above water, and I need to be clear that we were living debt free (short of our mortgage) and very simply.  We were not living outside of our means, but still it was becoming clear that we would not be able to continue on.  Instead of freaking out, or letting the growing burden tear our family apart, we came together strong in the faith that God had brought us home and he had plans for us.  We continued to seek his will and his purpose and in that time he broke down barriers, he set me free from bondage, he opened doors, closed windows, and he provided every single day.

When God called us to Fiji I really didn't want to go.  I could see every reason not to go and the only reason to go was financial, but the financial side was not significant enough to push me over the edge.  What I didn't know is that God had heaps of spiritual reasons for us to go.  Since India we have let God lead, its the only way we can imagine living.  Any time we have tried to choose our own path it has been trouble, but when we have sought God we have never been let down.  When God told us to go we knew that we would go, but it still hurt, and it was still a struggle to accept that this was his will.

I know from the outside, especially those who have had a cold winter, it looks crazy to say that it was hard to move to Fiji.  The truth is that when you live in a place like Fiji it is no where near the same as coming on some dream vacation.  This is real life and a developing country comes with many hoops and hurtles.  It may be beautiful, but our days aren't spent in 5 star resorts soaking up the sun on a luxury beach.  They are spent with school for Ella Mae, grocery shopping, and paying bills.  For Ryan it is work, and that changes things.  Still I won't say that we are unhappy here, Fiji is beautiful, and God has provided us with an awesome church family and great new friends.

When we left the US I felt I had found my place in the church and in the LIFE Runners ministry, but I had no idea how much further God planned to take me.  I still don't know how far he plans to go.  Our 6 months in Fiji have been filled with joy and trials, high hopes and deep let downs, but in the end I can see that they are all coming together for Gods will and purpose over my life.  Each day I am drawing nearer to God then I ever imagined and I still have so far to go, which is amazing!

For 4 months God prepared me, worked on me, waited on me, and then when he said go I went!  I want that for my life, every single day.  I want to go when he says go, I want to wait when he says wait, I want to be obedient to him in all things.  I am still being tested and tried and those trials get exhausting but now I know that each trial is truly making me stronger and better equipped for whatever he has planned for me and my family.

The Fiji LIFE Runners chapter started with 3 and is now near 60 in just 2 short months.  God has surrounded me with amazing Christians who are on fire for him and are listening to him when he calls.  I am so blessed by them and so excited to see what God has planned for LIFE Runners in Fiji.  I am blessed to just be a part of it and hope that I can continue to serve His kingdom in any way he calls me to, even when it seems scary or overwhelming.

I'm amazed at how much God has changed me again in just these short months.  I am blessed to know that he will never be finished with me, that he will continue to mold me into the woman I was meant to be.  He has called me both physically, with my running and cycling for LIFE, as well as spiritually, as a leader of the chapter.  I have never felt like a leader, I always prefer to just be a work horse and get things done, but that is not the position God has called me to, he is calling me to lead and so I will trust him to provide the ability for me to lead and honor him.  He started preparing me for this back in the US when he placed me in leadership of the RC chapter under a leader that taught me so very much.

There have defiantly been huge struggles and big trials.  Praise God he has helped us through every single one.  I expect there will be more, and I will trust God with them as they come.  My life is going to be filled with trial because that is the biggest area I need work in.  I let fear, doubt, and worry creep in when I know that God will take care of it all.  I am getting better, by the grace of God, but I still stumble in this area more than I care to admit.  I pray that with each passing day I will learn to follow him obediently when he calls me out.  I pray that I will no longer look at the storms surrounding me but will keep my eyes fixed on Jesus!

I want to give God the glory and here are just a few ways that God has provided.  We needed to sell our home by September, we closed in August.  We were able to pay cash for a vehicle because of the sale of our house and not put ourselves into debt when we arrived.  We found a great home that we live in next to friends that are more like family.  We found our church home the first week we arrived. My knee has been completely healed and I am able to run and cycle for LIFE Runners now without pain.  Our major visa issue was resolved on New Years Eve.  We have health insurance coverage which has helped us through our "transitional sicknesses."  Ella Mae has a teacher that has blessed her amazingly, in a school that will make a huge difference in her life.  We have been blessed by so many Christian friends and feel surrounded by the body of Christ.  Ryan has passed all of his hoops and is now typed in the ATR-600 42/72 which is a very big deal for his career.  We were able to add a beautiful horse to our family who has changed the experience for Ella Mae and myself.  We have had the opportunity to explore some of the beauty of Fiji and are excited to see more.  To finish the year God gave us a financial gift that we never expected and we are able use it to do his kingdom work.  The list just goes on and on, and I would love to share every single blessing.  There is no point in sharing the trial that surrounded most of these because the victory was already his.  I am thankful that he walked with us through all of these things and at the end the blessing was not something we could touch, the blessing is eternal.

More than anything I want my life to make a difference not for myself, but for him.  I want to serve him all the days of my life.  I want to walk on water with him, not because it brings glory to me, but because it reveals his great power over everything.  I pray that somehow he will use me to bless others.  I am thankful to be called his child, and I want my life to honor him.  In 2015 I hope to draw nearer to him and to learn more about obedience and faithfulness. I want more than anything to live without fear and to step out in faith no matter how rough the water looks....

Matthew 14:28-29
And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to You on the water."  So He said, "Come."  And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on water to go to Jesus.